Just a rant

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Please don't feel you need to reply,  I just want to get it all off my chest then leave the room, leave it behind me but hope it'll make me  feel lighter,  mist of this might not even make sense .

My stepdaughter as been given notice to leave her private rented accommodation by Feb through no fault of her own , she as a husband,  dog and 2 cats plus a stepson who stays every weekend .

My wife's automatic response was they could come here seeing as we have a spare bedroom, yes that includes the stepson staying every weekend because my stepdaughter won't even consider making the kids mother have him stay at home and they just pick hum up and do things with him instead for a while .

Now I understand why my wife automatically offered the spare room, she loved her daughter, doesn't want her homeless etc etc etc but and this is the things she didn't automatically think about .

I'm on end of life care and practically bedbound , the front room is my frontroom/bedroom/bathroom/toilet/care room , you have to walk thru it to get into the house, to get to upstairs and to get to the kitchen , there is enough room for the bed, commode, 2 setter sofa and our dogs bed plus all the other bits of equipment and stuff that's needed for my care .

My wife didn't have a conversation with me,  just told her she could move in and I sat my wife down and asked where is the room to put another dog bed, how am I going to control a dog who's skittish and growls at strangers, where am I supposed to send the dog when the carers come, where will a cat litter tray go, where will they sit? Does that mean I'll be asking them to leave the room whilst I nap, rest, use the commode , does that mean they won't be able to walk around the squeaky floorboards that are in the bedroom above me, so I can rest, ,  what about when they come down at 6am to go to work, and come home from work,  what about when I start declining?

My wife admitted she hadn't thought about that and had just said it,  so we tried explaining that it wouldn't be practical and now my stepdaughter is doing none stop crying saying how unloved she's being made feel and how unwanted we are making her feel and now is guilt tripping us saying she will have to get rid of her animals and they are her therapy animals and how she'll have to get rid of her car and now she's also found out she's pregnant so the stress we are putting her thru is going ro make her lose the baby .

What abiut the stress all this is putting on me, do I no feature in any of this? 

  • Glad you had a rant, does make one fill better at times.

    I must say on reflection, i agree with you, i had my husband, at home, before hospice,

    Only him and i, one does not really know, how stressful it is, and though we to had carers, it played its toll  on me. and my hubby, when we , did not need anymore, stress, worry.

    So i think you and your wife, have to discuss this, the stepdaughter can cry all they like, though in  one way she is being a very unthoughtful, only thinking of her self, not about the situation, for you and your wife.

    You and your wife, do not need, this stress, and it is time, to put yourselves first, and why not, you come first and your wife.

    This is my take on the situation,

    Though glad you posted.

  • Hi Nala66, I quit understand how you feel, your stepdaughter sounds very selfish.  At this time she should be more helpful to uou. She has 2 months to find another home. Stick to your guns, it's not often us parents put our  selves first. Having been a carer I have come across this and asked the family to leave the room while I cared for mum. Never went down well lol. Can't husbands family put them up Take care and stand your ground. XX

    Moi

  • My step daughter as always been one of those that believes everything should revolve around her, you have a broken neck? Oh that's a shame but suck it up because her big toe is far more painful and important than your broken neck!! That's the way she sees things , on the day her nan dies, the first thing she said was "oh she could have chosen a better day, me and my husband argued last night and I've now got to deal with this on top" you can't make this up .

    For now we are just going along with rhe plan she's moving in come Feb,  we just can't deal with the tantrums and stress that she's causing and yes she's now talking to us as normal and no longer crying,  so for now she's won or so she thinks, but I have explained to my wife this is all going to happen again come Feb,  but she needs to be strong because I may have declined by then, no one knows anything at this stage .

    I do feel a bit lighter for ranting thank you .

  • She is very selfish , everything as to be about her, it just as to be and she will make sure of it because thata her .

    Her husbands parents have a 3 bed home with just them 2 in it so yes there is room but no she won't go there because they get up for work at 5am and it isn't fair on them being disturbed all night by baby when it comes , but it's OK for me and her mum to be disturbed by baby all night , yes her mum does work too!! .

    I think its because my wife is more laid back than her husbands family and is a push over, gives in to my step daughters demands for a easier life , she doesn't want to think about the implications on me , because she doesn't care as long as she gets what she wants , she expects us to stop our cats from going out because hers aren't allowed, she expects me to deal with her skittish dog when the carers are here because she won't be here she'll be at work , she's already sorting out our food cupboards to make room for her food etc .

    It is bad enough that the carers are in and out and us trying to work around them but they are needed so it's different , my step daughter isn't and ok she does help me if I ask etc but doesn't seem to realise I have terminal cancer I came home from hospice to spend the last remaining time of my life with my wife and animals , I am going to get worse I am going to decline , I will be lucky if I see Christmas and new year so maybe she's hoping I won't be here in Feb, problem solved. 

    Sorry for going on x

  • I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with such  a selfish little madam. I honestly can’t believe that anyone would put you in such a situation when you’re dealing with terminal cancer. I’m afraid that I must be an unfeeling monster, because I wouldn’t put myself, or my dogs through that. Easy for me to say, but if she cuts you off out of spite, what would you lose? You and your wife must be a united front.

  • I'm so sorry Nila, you go on as much as you like. I hope uou make Christmas and New year and enjoy it as best uou can with your wife, sending hugs and good vibes to you both xx

    Moi

  • Shes alwssy been that way and my wife as inky ever encouraged it for a easy life .

    I've told my wife it's not fair on our own animals to have their life distributed and be shut away to accommodate other animals .

    Nor is it fair for me to have her and her husband plus step son who they insist will be staying here  weekends , going in and out of ny space and making noise above me all day and night. 

    So for now and to restore peace we've agreed they can move in but not until Feb,  in reality that isn't going to happen but at the moment I can't cope with the tantrums and tears of how unwelcome she's being made feel etc .

    Of course we both know we are going to be facing this all over again in Feb and I'm seriously hoping that I've declined by them so she'll have no choice to accept she won't be moving in .

    I can't belive I'm even hoping fot my decline  x

  • Hi  

    I'm really sorry to read of your situation, it sounds very stressful. If your stepdaughter has 2 months notice to leave the private rent she's in, then she has 2 months to look for another rented accomodation. As I see it, there is no reason why she has to move in with anyone, she has time to look for another property. Your wife and yourself need to stand firm on this. It is your home and you are very unwell. Can I suggest that you ring the Macmillan helpline as they may be able to suggest some support, this is the link to contact https://www.macmillan.org.uk/about-us/contact-us

    A x

  • Show this chain to your step daughter so she can see how you and the rest of us think is the most selfish inconsiderate little minx there ever was. Perhaps she’s gone too long without being told. 

  • She doesn't want another private rented property,  that's the problem, she wants to be put on the council list, that is her only goal , she thinks if she moves in with us, we will be classed as overcrowded and they will help her , we've tried explaining that this is a 4 person home , so with us and them,  that's the 4bpeople, we won't be overcrowded and they will not see her as homeless if she moves in,  they won't take her step son into consideration because he doesn't live with them.

    We have a feeling that her plan is to move in then whinge to the council that it's not convenient here because they have to live in the one bedroom with 2 cats and a dog plus step son on a weekend because I live in the front room and they have to be quiet, even in bed because of disturbing me , this is what we think her plan is because she knows she won't be classed as homeless here nor classed as overcrowded. 

    Yes she really is the sort to do that x