Black Dog has arrived.

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After months of living in blissful denial and convincing myself that I'm going to make medical history by defying all the odds (you know how the daydream goes)  - I'm going to be THE stage 4  lung cancer patient who survives beyond 5 years) you get the picture.

This week the reality of my situation  has crept in and I'm finding it difficult to shake off the low mood.  

I'm also doing that thing where I'm pushing people away that I love.  People make arrangements to meet wirh me and i jump at the chance to cancel and reschedule.  Then i feel terrible, because i know Im hurting and pushing away the people i love.   But I'm also hurting myself because I really want to see them.   

My partner noticed I was down after cancelling yet another arrangement  with a family member.

We've discussed it and I've come to the conclusion that im possibly pushing them away,  because deep down I'm thinking   "When I'm gone,  they won't find it that painful if they are no longer close to me"

Backwards logic I know!

Anyway, what do I do.

Counselling? Prozac?  Both? Pull myself together? Sorry for the depressive post.  Makes a change from my usual rants I suppose 

  • Hi Harebelle, I am sorry that you are struggling like this, I wonder if therapy would be helpful, you can see what you are doing, so talking to someone about it may well be useful.

    I imagine your friends and family want to spend as much time with you as you can manage, but they should understand that it is sometimes difficult.

    Best of luck finding a solution xxx

    Sarah 

  • Hi Harebelle, it is absolutely awful when you hit the brick wall. You just don't no what to do for the best for you for them. I think in the short term call macmillan support and talk to them, ask for advice about counselling. Be kind to yourself, ask then for some Holistic treatments, chat to your GP, there's  no harm in a little medication to help you through this. Keep talking and posting. Sending hugs and good vibes xx

    Moi

  • Sarah, only my partner knows how serious it is. 

    I've never actually 'spelt it out' to the rest of my family. I suppose I was hoping they would gradually come ro rhe realisation that I'm not going to get better, 

  • Without me actually having to tell them.

  • Thanks Moi.

    I had a feeling this day would come.

  • I've had that feeling before and absolutely panicked. I'm just saying what helped me. I do think you should tell one of your family, if you can't tell them all ask that person to tell them. I hate sympathy and that knowing look. So I told my sisters and they told there families, I told my daughters, this has gone on so long my important people treat me normally now. Xx

    Moi

  • I was very open with my prospects which were poor, and I've done so much better than was expected, so I wonder if I should have been more circumspect and saved my children, parents etc some distress, but we have to do what we think is best. Perhaps the time has come for you to say more?

    Sarah 

  • Yes, I'm going to have to tell them arent I?

    Maybe I should wait till after Christmas?

    Surely they must 'know' though?  I've not had an operation, I still have my hair.  I'm not on aggressive chemo.  Surely they've connected the dots by now? That I'm having palliative treatment.

    Maybe they DO  know, but are pretending to me that they don't know.

    How messed up would that be?

    What a tangled web........all of my own making.

  • I know this feeling well. I'm always trying to think of reasons why I can't go to see people or them come to see to me. When I do force myself to make an effort, I'm pleased I did it.

    My bestest friend recognised this after numerous invitations to go out with our friends which I always had an excuse for and she duped me into thinking I was going for a quiet couple of hours for a coffee and chat. When I arrived, there were 10 of our friends in the room shouting out "surprise". I couldn't hold back the tears and it turned out to be a great night!  I wouldn't have agreed had I known.

    You shouldn't feel bad about where you are now. Mostly I just want to be on my own & quite like my own company. 

    Perhaps, when you're ready you may want to start seeing people again. You could try by not overloading and just meet on your terms?

    little-fi xx