After months of living in blissful denial and convincing myself that I'm going to make medical history by defying all the odds (you know how the daydream goes) - I'm going to be THE stage 4 lung cancer patient who survives beyond 5 years) you get the picture.
This week the reality of my situation has crept in and I'm finding it difficult to shake off the low mood.
I'm also doing that thing where I'm pushing people away that I love. People make arrangements to meet wirh me and i jump at the chance to cancel and reschedule. Then i feel terrible, because i know Im hurting and pushing away the people i love. But I'm also hurting myself because I really want to see them.
My partner noticed I was down after cancelling yet another arrangement with a family member.
We've discussed it and I've come to the conclusion that im possibly pushing them away, because deep down I'm thinking "When I'm gone, they won't find it that painful if they are no longer close to me"
Backwards logic I know!
Anyway, what do I do.
Counselling? Prozac? Both? Pull myself together? Sorry for the depressive post. Makes a change from my usual rants I suppose
