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Hi I'm new to this forum and thought I would give it ago because it will be full of people who know how I feel and maybe have coping mechanisms that I haven't thought about. 

I'm 51 and have 2 wonderful teenage boys 17 and 14 and a good husband. I've not hid anything from my boys or my husband however sometimes I feel like they don't get what's happening to me. I haven't said it out right  that ultimately I'm dying and I don't want them to worry unnecessarily . I think because I'm still working full time and look well, they really don't think anything is up. I suppose all I want sometimes is them to ask me when I get in from work ( I do get very tired with lack of motivation), how's your day. Do you want a cup of tea. 

Do I need to be more direct. I'm due chemo again and not sure how I will be. Frowning2

  • Hi very hard to answer this as such.

    You said your still working full time, and look well, and yes that is what they see.

    I do not work as i am a lot older than you.

    I still do everything as i used to do in doors, though takes me longer, i do not look ill,so perhaps we are all denial as such, i do not think of my self as dying, i am alive and until then try and carry on as i l ways did,

    I told my kids from the start, do not smother me, if and when i need help as such i will ask, and i do.and they listen and  do what i asked.

    At the moment i do not want to be treated any different,that is my choice,

    Just say when you get in from work, who is going to make me a cuppa, and see the reaction.

    Every one will have there on point of view, this is mine.

    Though i am glad you brought it up. xxxx

  • Thank you. Yes maybe that's what I will do. Grin

  • Perhaps because you look well and  work, then everything is ok, to them .

    Just try and been a bit light hearted about it, and yes when on chemo, we all need that little extra help and  , say who is making mums cuppa tonight, or is it dads turn, you will work it out,

    Gentle little hints along the way, 


  • Hi yes, it’s difficult to deal with. But we are all treatable and are here each day for each other. 
    I have incurable lung cancer and it was while before I could bring myself to talk about it. My husband and two sons all reacted differently but have supported me in there own ways. 
    I’m a lot older than you. And when I waded through all the emotions imaginable I picked myself up and entered back into the world. But it took time. 
    I don’t look ill as people are constantly reminding. I am ill but I don’t like cancer defining me. People are beginning to get the gist and are treating me as being normal. Albeit a little crazy. 
    Hope we can all help you on your journey. Just be real! 
    Judy xxx

  • Hi jamsky, see you have all ready had good advice from 2 of our wise ladies, difficult problem, I just told everyone the truth from the start, you are incurable and treatable, not terminal, yes you Will have side effects but they are worth it.

  • Hello Jamesky, a warm welcome to you. 3 fab people have already replied to you and I hope and am sure their words are of help. I am a very private person and most people don’t know that I am ‘ill’. Others are aware and only recently, if asked how I am, I do say that it has recently spread. Yesterday evening, I was very open with my partner as to what I feel my prognosis is. We are seeing my oncologist tomorrow after a very turbulent fortnight, plus I wasn’t feeling well  and it felt okay to do be completely open and frank. My brother lives abroad and I had an unfiltered telephone conversation with him too. I am and always have been extremely close to him even though he’s lived in France since 2005. I feel I am waffling a bit and it’s not about me! As well as all the wise suggestions offered to you, I would like to add (for what it’s worth) that if your health situation is understandably getting you down, maybe once a week, when you, your hubby and two sons are home and wi5 no distractions, you just let them know that you need to talk to them about a couple of things. Nothing heavy but maybe ‘checking in’ with your family on a regular basis will help you and them.  Very best wishes to you and please stay in touch on here. xxxxxx

  • Hi  

    I agree with the above posts that it will be easy for your family to dismiss the truth of the matter as life is much as it was for you, with work etc. I applaud you for working full time and coping with everything else. I have had to retire from my full time career as I really don't think I would have the energy or strength of mind. I am currently stable after treatment and I think some members of my family would like to think, that's that, cancer is finished with. I sincerely hope they're right but I very much doubt it.

    Welcome to the group. There are a lot of lovely, supportive and friendly people here that just, get it. We know how you're feeling as we are all going through it ourselves. 

    I would start asking for more help around the house, if only in preparation for your next chemo. As your family are all male I think it's best to be direct. Men are from Mars and all that. I'm treading carefully in what I say here! 

    Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing, it's good to talk.

    A x

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  • Hi Ellie, thanks for the advice. It worked. Both the boys offered to make me a cuppa when I got in from work I just had to ask them. I think that is half the problem.  Because they are not doing what i would do if it was role reversal, it feels like they don't care. In fact they do, just need to be a little bit more direct. Like please can you unload the dishwasher, even though it clearly needs Relaxedunloading Relaxed

  • Oh so true! Jameskry Laughing my hubby doesn’t see anything unless I mention it. It’s no use me getting upset..he’s not going to chang now. 
    So pleased you’ve found a way round the problem and well done Elle for suggesting that you ask them  

    Take care xxx


  • LOL So pleased it paid of, little things, can make all the difference, to you, and they most probaly in one way appreciated that you have asked in a nice tone, rather than mum shouting, as if we do lol.