OFFSPRINGS

Morning Annette, I often feel alone  specially in a group, though I have always found comfort in my own company i do like being with family and friends, my mind just wanders, i find myself just switching off to the conversation, often just thinking about minor things like shopping lists, what to make for dinner or should i have a shave today. I know me having terminal cancer has a big impact on conversations, i can see others are treading carefully, trying to avoid certain subjects, like health, the loss of their friends or plans for their futures and holidays, even telling jokes is rare now, and it can hurt at times, as i remember how our times together used to be, which is maybe why i switch off. I have a group of really close friends from my time in healthcare "all women 50 to 60yo, who are great, we talk about everything, make fun of each other share our hopes and fears and understand how important being yourself is and not giving in. maybe that's why every new friend i have made lately has cancer. take care.

Eddie xx

I am sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately I think it’s a common reaction and probably comes from their fear of losing you. I am lucky that neither of my (adult) children are in denial, although my son engages with it and talks about it, whereas my daughter would rather ignore it. I had my liver mets ablated (for the second time) in February and await a scan in May to see whether they have reformed. At that point, it’s either watch and wait, further ablation, or back onto another form of systemic treatment. I can’t have more immunotherapy as I suffered significant collateral damage from it. I have decided I don’t want to spend the third summer in a row on chemo, so will ask to delay if that is their recommendation.  I have discussed this with my husband but do wonder how my children will react if it comes to it. 

 anndanv I know exactly how you feel I went from being in charge of a busy regional newborn intensive care unit to now being stuck in a wheelchair unable to leave the house by myself. There are many many times I've wondered why I'm still here and like you my family don't know a fraction of how I feel and it would hurt them so much to know. I can't even get excited for my daughter's wedding because how does the mother of the bride fit in the photos in a wheelchair and what will I wear that looks half decent. I know being well enough to be there should be enough and on 99% of days it is but just some days it really isn't. So like you I often feel alone even in a crowd of lovely people

Hi Elliekate, Yes just to be able to see your daughter get married is amazing. Our son got married a few months after my diagnosis but we didn't tell his fiancé because I didn't want to upset her when she should feel as happy as she could! This also meant her relatives didn't know either or mine, apart from close family.  My niece got married the following year by which time I was in a wheelchair. I felt like a spectator until my son took me and the chair onto the dance floor during a slow song, it made me feel part of it. When is the wedding?

 anndanv the wedding is Easter Sunday next year and a lot can happen between now and then as we know. I know my youngest daughter will try and involve me in anyway that she can but at present I don't feel like I want to be in the forefront of any of the celebration. I just want to see my eldest daughter get married and enjoying her day. I will smile in all the correct places and probably cry a lot silently and look happy if I catch my girl looking. My husband will be with me but has no time for what he would call self pity because it's not about me and he's right the day is in no way about me.

We will see how it all pans out hopefully a beautiful day for my daughter and her new wife with no April showers as it's an outside wedding

Hi Elliekate, The fact that it is a year away is good. Yes a lot can happen in a year but you could be a lot better by then once your treatment starts to work. Things can get better as well as worse so it is a case of trying to stay positive. There are lots of things you can help with like making 'the favours'. Depending on how many people are going, that should keep you busy for a while!

Hi Elliekate, just read your post, ok so you're in a wheelchair and yes ignorant people can ignore you, well I say stuff them.

You're the matiarch of your family, so just enjoy the run up to and the wedding day, go shopping with her your opinion counts, and at the wedding party get on the floor and dance the night away. 

Why is it that the older I get the quicker a year seems to go quicker?

 Ulls thank you. The run up I am really looking forward to but we have already found bridal stores that I can't get into and have offered no help but also the very first shop we went into a tiny little one in Middlesbrough wasn't easy to get in but they couldn't have been lovelier although it took 4 of the girls to lift my chair in and we nearly took the door frame off. Obviously I cried seeing my girl looking gorgeous in each dress except one then we cried laughing.We have more places to go though even all the way to Edinburgh which isn't a problem as I love the train from Darlington to Edinburgh that goes along the coast. Apologies to anyone from the South who won't have a clue what I'm talking about but I think my fellow Northerner will know. At present my hair is neon pink, not a mistake, so I may well have to tone that down to a nice red for the occasion. I tried the going grey gracefully but it wasn't for me. Elise said when she saw it thank goodness my mam's back they grew up never knowing what colour my hair would be when they came home from school. When I was nursing I couldn't go too wild but once I retired a real world of colour opened. I never stay down for too long and I don't often say much more to the girls apart from maybe saying not the best day when they ask as they both immediately think there's been bad news. When I went with Lydia to buy a pram we also had a bit of fun in the shop and got some very strange looks but I'd been a bit upset about not being able to take the baby for a walk because I can't manoeuvre my wheelchair and push a pram at the same time so we had a little train of Lydia pushing me and me pushing the pram around the store which raised a few eyebrows as we were in kinks laughing but where there's a will there's a way. Mind you you need a second mortgage for a pram and all the bits we did get a bundle offer though. The shop is the same shop I got things from for the girls back in the day which is lovely and I'm sure I recognised at least one lady still working in there. It's a well known family business in the area and judging from the amount of people in there buying still as popular as ever. The traditional Silver Cross pram I had for the girls I think is still in the loft and I can't wait for him to be napping in it in the back garden.

After all that drivel yes the years do quicker now especially as I think we would maybe like time to slow down

I hope the day finds everyone as well as they can be. My eyes didn't close last night and then I've slept since Neil gave me my breakfast at 6am until about 11am and now I'm trying to stay awake. I hate nights like that although I did watch the full new series of Professor T. Take care everybody xx

I do enjoy doing crafty bits and pieces and we had just been talking about favours. I also said I remembered being a little girl and my grandma going to dinner dances at the golf club which makes her sound really posh but we weren't and each table had raffle tickets for the number of seats at the table and at the end of the night the raffle winner on each table could take the tables flower arrangement home so I think they are going to do that and maybe not do individual favours as it hard to find things that people actually will use or want to keep.

I don't stay down for long it's not really in my nature and there's no way I will let how I'm feeling show and take the shine off the day in any way. I might need a power nap at some time in the celebrations

Take care and have the best day you are able

Thats an excelent rail journey I get on and off at Durham, Dont like newcastle station. we had a silver cross for our kids excelent prams, Well with pnk hair you wont be hard to spot in a crowed. I have nights like that so very anoying, I noticed Professor T on the series list is it any good?