OFFSPRINGS

Ho Xaviva that so sad that you children are so scared that they are in denial.

I'm so lucky my Daughter was with us from diagnosis and can't do enough for me, she insists that she drive's my to all my appointments.

Perhaps you could ask one of them to accompany you to hospital, to show them there is nothing for them to be scared about, expert help is always available on the McMillan helpline.

Hello Xaviva sorry to hear about your kids, I have 2 girls and  boy, the girls are great, cancer is not talked about generally though if new issues pop up i will, as promised, tell them. My son and youngest, PS they are all mid 30s, up until recently kept away, only an occasional phone call,  my girls told me he had set off to see me a few times but it was too much emotionally for him so he turned back. We are good now, he was unable to come to terms with my diagnosis and didn't know what to do or say to me, and thought the absolute worst about my diagnosis, "thanks to Dr Google", Your kids are frightened too about your cancer, and as they don't know what to do or say, so ignore it, As Ulls says show them you are still you their mum and they don't have to be frightened,

Eddie

Hi Xaviva, This is a difficult subject whether your children are school age or under and if your children are adults too. We are a small but very close family. Our son and daughter are both adults and parents. When it comes to cancer they are like chalk and cheese. Our son (is the eldest) wants to know absolutely everything and asked me if he could come to see the Oncologist with me because he had lots of questions.He wasn't kidding, he had loads and my Oncologist was fantastic, taking her time and answering them all as best she could. He is very sensitive to my needs, he sees when I am tired, in pain etc and is very protective and gives support.  Our daughter is in total denial, always has been. She doesn't ask how I am, doesn't offer support or help, even with things like housework, ( she lives 8 doors along) whereas our daughter in law always asks if there is anything she can do.

My brother died of the same diagnosis as me, when he was 43. I have two sisters. The older sister is like our son, the younger one is like our daughter.

Last September when my husband was dx with Bowel Cancer, it was the same all over again! I think everyone does what they need to do to get through this terrible roller coaster of a ride! It's a true saying " there's nought as queer as folk"!

 Xaviva can I ask how long ago you were diagnosed? My daughter's were 15 and 13 when I was diagnosed nearly 13 years ago. I always promised I would be truthful with them I was so ill in the first 3 years I could not have pretended there wasn't something serious going on anyway. I am now much better although remain incurable but cancer is not spoken about often and certainly not the fact I may die within months if the treatment that's keeping me stable at present stops working. They do know my wishes for my funeral as does my husband obviously, they all know where my important documents are and all those practical things but we don't very often speak about feelings. I'm thinking when my situation changes then they might but for now they go on as if I have the same live expectancy as the next person. So I'm afraid I don't have any answers for you but can say you are not alone here

Spot on Elliekate, I'm with you on those point's 

My eldest daughter was with me when my consultant told me my cancer had spread further after several years of no treatment and she suggested immunotherapy was my best option to have longer with my family. I said I was willing to try but if it made me as ill as my previous treatment I was going to say that's enough. When we got outside my daughter said I'm not happy with that decision mam. I said you must remember how ill I was doing you want to see that again and anyway this is a completely different type of treatment and thankfully over 2 years on I'm doing amazing with just a small amount of growth seen in rib mets on last scan so no more mention has been made

That's the problem we have our nearest and dearest don't understand how we feel, we are already a shadow of our former selves, and dragging our lives out in pain, isn't living just existing, and not worth it.

Hi Xaviva 

I'm sorry to read of your situation. It's hard to know what's worse, denial and refusing to acknowledge cancer or toxic positivity - which can be a form of denial in itself. This is an interesting blog if anyone would like to read more  Toxic Positivity - Part Two 

My daughter found my diagnosis hard at first but she did all she could to find out more. She found the podcast You, me and the Big C, very helpful. It is available on BBC Sounds. Dame Deborah James was involved with it. 

My older relatives have found it more difficult to deal with. I am currently stable and the words 'all clear' were being mentioned by them. Whenever I referred to a shortened life, it was dismissed as me being maudlin and that I can't predict that. This happened a few times and led me to eventually snap one day and I ended up having a very blunt conversation that I didn't really want to have. 

It is very hard to feel that relatives don't want to know or talk about cancer. It is our reality and our day to day. To dismiss it because it is frightening or uncomfortable to deal with can feel that we as a person are being ignored or dismissed. A lot of people now only engage with my husband. I'm sure that they would say that they don't want to trouble me or cause me stress but it makes me feel like a non person.

It may be helpful to think about talking to someone. The Macmillan helpline is there for you, this is the link to contactwww.macmillan.org.uk/.../contact-us

Or you may want to consider counselling. Macmillan offer sessions, this is the link for information https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/get-help/emotional-help/bupa-counselling-and-emotional-well-being-support

As you can see from the replies, you are not alone and we understand.

A x

I don't think an easy thing to talk about for some people , my lot go on adsive they can't wait to get rid of me , there is lots of help out there and good luck 

Hi, Sismoon, I found it interesting when you said about people talking to your husband because they don't want to trouble you! It happens to me, some even text my husband and not me now!

Ulls, you touched a nerve when you said about being a shadow of our former self, in fact I don't even recognise myself now! Also, day after day, I do feel i am dragging myself around going through the motions of living but without the enjoyment I used to have. I know if my family knew how I felt it would upset them, so I could only ever admit to that here. Even when there are others about, does anyone else feel alone?