facing up to the facts

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I have just finished my last round of chemo yesterday and getting  my pump  and picc removed next week. I have been ill since 2020 and looking quite good as all tumours at bay or shrunk at present . I had  agreed in late November  with my daughter last year that she would start paying rent in January. I have broached  the subject today and told her to start paying the rent and something to cover the arrears also , She says she has lost £800 off her usually wages which I understand . But then she says she is only living here because I am Ill and she didnt want me left on my own in case I get worse. To be honest she doesn't do anything to help except the odd meal maybe once a week , I usually do more for her every week between shopping and her  washing. tidying up kitchen after her and keeping house clean , She has eventually decided to clean her bathroom after months of badgering. I believe I am not setting a good example for her as she is 23 and been working for years and never paid a penny . She thinks nothing of ordering take aways getting taxis and going on holidays and why not as some other mug is subsiding her life style which I told her and is not right . So I told her she should do whatever she thinks is best for her as I will be fine regardless. She is rarely here maybe a few days a week then at her boyfriends but its the principle I think why should I spend all my savings when she should contribute. Sorry for the long rant

  • Hi i  agree with every thing you say, give them an inch and they take a mile..

    Bring her back to this real world, unless you do some thig, or say something, and mean it, it will carry on.

    When you might have no savings left, then most probably be gone..

    No fool like an old fool, is  the saying.

    Present company excluded   Glad you had a rant.

  • Hi Ellie 73 Thanks  I am not a mean man and my kids never wanted for anything , I use to give my ex £250 a week for food and odd £80 for hair and money for anything else needed  and a decent  car. I pointed out to her that she goes on more holidays  and I am subsidising her living . She is in for a rude awakening I think . I have been on to her constantly where we have arguments over leaving shoes in hall where I can trip over them , that's because she doesn't have a few pairs she had 30 or more pairs , but we got that sorted , It really is frustrating when someone uses the kitchen and doesn't leave it as they found it , which I find infuriating as you have to wash up to get you pots to eat which isn't fair and the same for leaving washing there for days like a stock pile . I explained to her she cannot be selfish like this living in a shared house . They would tell her to leave . I dont want her to go but she is holding a gun over my head using my illness as an excuse for staying which is just prolonging her lesson to be learned , I will let her decide but I really feel like telling her to sling her hook. She knows she is getting a house and will  be well taken care off and I may not have long . But she seriously needs to learn a few lessons in life. She is a really good person in general just drives me nuts sometimes but  I love her dearly as we do lol Thanks for the listening ear 

  • I really  do see where you are coming, from, where can they go, for nothing, she needs to live in the real world.

    I am laughing my son keeps saying i could come and live with you, I DO  NOT THINK SO he is so untidy and has dinner at 8.30 of a night, i have mine 5.30, i just cannot imange what it would be like, he would think mum still here to look after him, ON YOUR BIKE, quiet happy by myself illness or not, do not give me that for an excuse.

    Try having a a proper conservation with them, she should be putting into the house hold, bill wise as well

    Glad you have got it of your chest, i am sure we are not alone, if we are then we would  be a couple of odd balls.

  • Hello Minmax and Ellie

    Can I join in with your discussion?

    I'm wondering, Minmax, if you could 'formalise' your discussion with your daughter....have you got a weekly or monthly rent book? Starting from January? An actual physical record book, which makes clear what your expectations are? With the arrears noted.

    And maybe you could give her a deadline to work towards....not immediate, but say 4 weeks from now, for her to make her decision 'Should I stay or should I go?'

    That is how adults behave in the 'real' world, and she will need to become more familiar with this, especially if she is going to be in a shared house situation soon.

    But are you certain that you want to have the house to yourself? It could feel very strange for you, after having your daughter to stay.

    I don't know what else to say....I left home at 17 to go to uni, and I never went back to live with my parents after that. I know it's very different now for young adults getting into the rental or property market, but they need to start some time!

    Hope you and your daughter can come to a friendly conclusion.

    And congrats on finishing treatment!!


  •  Hi  

    Well done on completing treatment. I hope you have a long period of time feeling well. You certainly deserve it, being unwell since 2020. It is only my opinion but I think you would have more peace and less stress if you lived alone. You do what's best for you but I've learnt the hard way, that I need to put myself first now. Good luck with everything going forward.

    A x

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  • Hi Ellie 73 Thanks I really am thinking my peace is more important than her taking me for granted. I spoke to my son who will talk to her and if she doesn't shape up she can move out , I have got over a so called heart attack , base of Tongue cancer and lymph nodes , followed by partner of 30 years leaving , followed by being told I have  heart failure, then ablation , then a neck dissection and then cancer again and just had last infusion and on 4 day pump and finished until the next time.  Why should I go through more crap , She is a lovely girl but can't see the full picture , Hopefully my son will talk some sense into her lol 

  • Hi Sistermoon I agree with you about living alone which I did for a bit when I was 20 ish and enjoyed it . I am not a needy person and very content with my own company . I dont watch news on tv or politics , which makes me so happy not polluting my brain with useless rubbish. I try and walk 3 or 5 miles a few times a week. I want for nothing in life except a girlfriend would be the icing on the cake 

  • Sorry to hear what you have gone threw, and your right, yu peace f mind and a stress life is the most important thing for you.

    I know they are our children, though there comes a time, when mum or dad has to come first. we do intend to put our children first, well i always have, though when is enough enough.

    What ever time any of us have left, it has to be the time that we want, i want peace, tranquillity and stress free, surely thats not to much to ask, after giving every one everything they have ever needed.

    It me time now, please or offend.

    I hope you come to the right solution.

  • Ellie I try not to think to much what I have been through but the consultant said I had been through probably one of the worst treatments for head and neck cancer possible  , I was really ill but I like to think I have had worse hangovers lol , Yes I will get this sorted . If she can't respect my wishes and keeps testing my patience she can move out and let me die in peace and being happy 

  • The stress is not doing you any good,  so you would be better on your own.

    It is your  house, you are paying the bills, and she is getting on with the   life they want, little bit selfish really.

    You can and would survive by being on your own