Pessimistic and no faith!

Good afternoon. No, not usual. I believe it's an attack on the nerves. To be honest it's been brewing and I've noticed goings on when the chemo goes in the body. I was confused, delirious, incoherent speech, body jerking, really exhausted, dizzy, it was just awful. And I'm not really feeling any better yet. And like you I have something wrong with my heart, yet to determine. Helen knows yes but she is on holiday this week. To be honest it's traumatised me that much I'm considering binning gemcitabine. It doesn't seem to have done anything anyway. Scan on Thursday will tell me more I guess. 

Eating, sleeping and toilet is all okay. I guess we're just getting along with the sofa. As yet it's not causing us any problems. Maybe that will change and we shall have to revisit. 

Awesome Sheila's home. That's ace. You must be so looking forward to seeing her. That's exciting you moving in and it will be so supportive and comforting to have somebody by your side. It will take you a while to get back energy and motivation. Just go with it it will come. You have lots to look forward to. So exciting. Take care of yourself mind and make sure you rest too. 

How are you today?

Big love x

Oh Sweetheart, that's awful what your treatment is doing to you, surely the chemotherapy nurses must have been aware of this, did they offer any advice or support,  was your oncologist informed?, you can't be expected to go through this every time,  and not feeling any better after 5 days isn't right,  you really need to have a good talk with your oncologist before your next cycle, maybe it was a one off adverse reaction, please wait until you have spoken to Helen and the consultant, and you have your scan results before making a decision, Marie, are you on 2 weekly cycles then a week off, or 3 weekly then a week off, is this your week off.

It's good your eating and drinking, and no issues in the bathroom and hopefully sleeping ok as well, Marie I would be telling them your already having problems with the sofa, before it becomes a big problem, 

Thanks Marie, Sheila got home safely last night, and I'll be moving in tomorrow morning, with Poppy, I sold my house yesterday to my brother, as I won't be going back, he got a  good deal, 

Sorry you now have a heart problem my friend, do they have any idea what is wrong,  and when will you know, I'm not sure if I have 8 or 9 issues with mine and  most needn't be a problem, I'm just tired Marie, I took our Emma to Welbeck for lunch, and gave her a gift so she can get her own house, so everyone is happy. I hope you feel a little better tomorrow 

love Eddie xx 

Good morning. Well to be honest that was probably my fault. Id already arrived home when I took ill so they wouldn't have been aware. I didn't make oncologist aware until the following day. I had an oncology appointment but couldn't go, I was way too ill. I'm on every 3 weeks and 1 week off. It's my week off this week. I also cancelled next Mondays and due to see oncologist on the Thursday. Helen is coming round on the Monday when she's back from holiday. To be honest Eddie it's traumatised me so badly I can't bear to put any more of it in my body.

5 days is a lot. Unfortunately, I'd like to say I feel better but I don't. I feel better than I did but still not right. I've noticed my hair is falling out. I've gone all this time with nothing happening and now this. I think I've had a chemo overdose!!!

Sleeping is fine. Although, I have some strange sleeps. That fractured reality again. I'm very waffy in the morning and generally don't come round until 11 ish. Not sure what this is or why. I just go with it in the knowledge I'll come round. 

Not sure what's going on with the heart. I'm guessing I'll know more after the scan. All I know is, I can barely move, mobility is dreadful. Doing anything is dreadful. Wow, 8 or 9 issues!!!! I honestly don't know how you carry on Eddie. You're an absolute legend. 

That's awesome for Emma. I bet she's over the moon. That's absolute ace news. How is the house move going? Bet it's so good to see each other. I hope you're being careful. 

Big love x 

Hi Marie, firstly none of this is your fault, you are the patient, and as such, rely on the knowledge and care of the experts, it's totally understandable, this latest cycle has hit you incredibly hard, and unexpectedly, and there is no one there for you to ask for professional support or advice, and you can't be sure if the treatment is even working, did your phone calls, provide you with anything you could do to help how you feel, I'm not surprised having another cycle is frightening at this time my friend, but you need answers first, hopefully it was a one off adverse reaction, only the experts can answer that, so you take it easy Marie, look after yourself, treat yourself and try to switch off from all things cancer, until it's time for answers, I know its hard, but focus on the people and things you love, I'm sorry your still feeling rubbish, but less rubbish than before is good, and tell your team everything you have told me, and fingers crossed they have the answers to help.

Sorry Marie, I can't help with your feeling waffy in a morning, but most heart issues are manageable, and is your poor mobility due to weakness, tiredness or pain, I'm pretty sure I'm not a legend my friend, I've been lucky to have the best cardio team supporting me, though I've dodged the bullet a few times.

Emma, is happy, but like me, a little sad, the house has been home for 41 years, and holds many wonderful memories, and a few sad ones, but it's time, I'm not taking much with me to Sheila's, and it was lovely to see, and hug Sheila again, Marie that's a very personal thing to say, but there's no chance of becoming parents again lol 

love Eddie xx 

Good morning. 

Thank you Eddie. I appreciate your sound advice. My appointment is with oncology next Thursday so I shall know more then. Unfortunately I don't feel the treatment has had the desired effect. I can see that the tumour is inflamed and aggressive. There is still one more chemo to try but the oncologist said it's unlikely to work. She also mentioned this targeted radiotherapy so I need to ask about that too. Maybe like last time I reach a point with chemo where enough is enough. 

I believe I'm all of them things. Weak, tired and I have pain. But mainly it's the tumour, heart and breathing I believe. Stops me in my tracks. I can do very little. Which reminds me. The DNs have released me from their service. Because I'm not house bound apparently. They've been coming here since August lol Anyway they've asked I attend the GPs to keep a last minute eye on this wound. I've refused to go every week mind. Dave will redress it and we shall attend monthly until they say otherwise. 

How is life in your new home? Good I hope. And how are you and Sheila? 

Big love x 

Hi Marie, I wish there was more I could offer, my friend, isn't today your scan day, or is it tomorrow?, I will be praying the results and your consultation next week, offer some options going forward, how are you feeling today, is there any improvement and, do you have any flexibility with your pain relief, Marie I have been offered targeted radiotherapy, SBRT, which is a good treatment, but I need to think about it. 

heart pains, can really hit you, Marie, so I hope you have a cardiologist appointment soon, and it's frustrating the DNs won't visit, but you should ask them for their number, it's helped me a few times, though I'm sure Dave does a good job of redressing the wound.

Life with Sheila is good, I'm a little further away from Lesley and Mandy, but their doing well, and I just have to remember not to go to my old house, 

love Eddie xx 

Hi Eddie just to let you know they've admitted me to hospital. Because of the expected growth of the tumour and to see the impact on heart, lungs etc. Will keep you updated. Hope all is good with you and take care x

Oh Marie, I'm so sorry to hear this, and thank you for letting me know sweetheart, and I will say a little prayer for you, that something good comes from your stay, your long overdue some good news, my dear friend, I so appreciate you keeping me updated Marie, but take care of yourself first.

my family asked me to pass on their love and best wishes.

as do I my friend, love Eddie xx