Pessimistic and no faith!

Good morning. Yes, PN Helen has referred me for stress and anxiety sessions at a local place. It's not Maggie's though. She did suggest Maggie's as well and she said she would email me a timetable of activities l. I'll take a look when I receive it. I'll take a look online as well. Never thought about that so thank you for that. I forgot to ask what that therapy is I'm having on Wednesday. Deary me. Will ask and let you know. I would love you to email some stuff. That would be awesome and thank you so much.

I'm still knitting lol And colouring and painting. And listening to audiobooks and music. And I make candles. Not done that in ages so I've picked that back up again. All these things help huh. I'm enjoying them actually. 

I've not had a heart monitor no. I guess what the ECG shows tomorrow will decide the outcome. My diary shows this week I've averaged around 110. I am now on steroids for the duration, 1 x 2mg a day apart from when I have chemo to which I have more for 3 days. Helen is ace yes!! I have been made aware of side effects but we all agree short term outweighs the long. I have had a good week this week and felt well with little or no side effects. All is good at present. 

Went to get bloods done on Friday. Had idiot again and she stressed me. She hurts me, pushing and pulling. She just shouts when she talks and doesn't let you get a word in. AND to top it all she finished up and in her stress head had forgotten to take my bloods. She was wanting to use a needle on the other arm and I outright said no. They took the bloods but are saying that because they'd flushed it at the end may compromise the bloods. We'll see tomorrow. I'm going to have to say something. 

Chatsworth is still on yes, well worth a visit. But the parking is 25 quid. How bad is that huh. The beach and gunthorpe bridge sounds marvelous. Hope you had fun. We go to Waitrose at Newark too. I do so love a bit of Waitrose. How did you find woodborough and how was your meal. I believe we went to the Four Bells. We would have gone out today but Amy is going to Edinburgh with a friend tomorrow for the week so I'm going to hang out with her. 

Well, that's all my news. How are you and what news have you XX

Good morning Marie, great to see Helen's on the ball, stress & anxiety can be managed really well and using the right techniques and understanding the process as to how they affect you, makes a difference, will send Maggies timetable. Sorry Marie, you never mentioned Wednesdays therapy, could it be memory LOL,  and I will send you all the info I have today 

Wow Marie, your all hobby'd up, how's the scarf going, you should stop at 10ft and making candles sounds wonderful, will  they be Christmas presents and have you got Dave interested yet.

You may get a monitor tomorrow, or an appointment for one, though 110 is only a little over the high end of normal and you do have a few possibilities why, but as always best wishes for tomorrow's appointment.

Marie,  you say you up your steroids for chemo days, does this mean your last chemo wasn't a one off?, and if you and Helen are happy with your choices, so am I, a  good week must have made that an easier choice.

Oh Marie, I'm so sorry you had nurse numpty again, and absolutely tell them you don't want her near you again, and the reasons why, nobody needs this, especially you, so put yourself first and tell them 

Marie, £25 to park, just on a matter of principle I'm not paying that, Gunthorpe Bridge is lovely, you must have been surely, The Nags Head was ok food was good and most of the staff looked about 14yo, I even had pudding, all paid for by Emma.

Have fun with Amy and I hope Dave, it's just clearing up here, so maybe you can get out and about, we Poppy and I are off to the farm for the family dinner, isn't that sad my only friend is Poppy LOL.

love Eddie xx 

Hi  Marie, I can't find  the wellbeing papers, will try again later and if no luck, will ask Carol, she does the course for copies so will try to get them ASAP . Here's Maggies Nottinghams schedule.

Good morning. Helen is fab but to be honest I don't suffer anxiety all the time. I do have triggers and I do catastrophise but certainly not all the time. Went for chemo yesterday. All went well but again had the usual hot sweat panic. It doesn't even last long but I can't seem to calm myself. I wonder sometimes if it's psychological rather than an anxiety attack? They came to do my lung toxicity check and all was good. He discussed my heart, no monitor mentioned as yet, and was happy to proceed with chemo on the basis of figures provided. He mentioned the tumour growing and putting pressure on the heart causing it to beat faster. I've had this thought myself and I'm apt to agree with him. He also said he will possibly do a scan to look at that water around the heart to see if it's grown any. Otherwise all is good at present. 

Ooh sorry if I have been confusing. DN Karen is coming tomorrow to do some therapy. It is the one I forgot the name of. It is the M technique. Is this the Marie technique huh lol Hand massage apparently. She will also train Dave so he can continue with it lol Thank you for the Maggie's timetable. I will ask Helen what she has referred me for to that other place and then see what my other options are.

I have been confusing re the chemo too, I  apologise. When I said I'm having 1 I meant 1 cycle, 12 pending should nothing go wrong and review. I made 9 last time and got ill. I believe you can carry on with gemcitabine so if it is successful and I don't get ill will they carry on with another cycle. I shall ask the questions when the time comes.

Hobbies all going well, still enjoying them. Still knitting. Don't think I'll make 10 ft lol I'm slow and already have a small hole that I didn't know how to fix lol Candles not presents, I'm not that great. I'm going to make a lavender one today actually. 

I do know gunthorpe bridge. It is a pretty place, I like it. Not been to that pub mind but I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I agree with you re the 25 quid to park. Absolutely disgusting and don't blame you for deciding in not going. Amy and Dave are both good. Amy is now in Edinburgh and having much fun. Dave will be working today. The most excitement I have is a COVID jab. But I shall be hobbying and have a couple of jobs I would like to do. All is good. Hope you enjoyed dinner and no it's not sad you only had poppy, what more could you wish for lol

How are you and yours? What news have you? Take care and enjoy your day Xx

Thank you for this Eddie, appreciate it and that would be great thank you x

Hi Marie, I'm really pleased chemotherapy went well yesterday, and the emotions you experience are familiar to many of us as well,  and I'm sure there is a psychological aspect to these feelings, it's not a normal situation we find ourselves in and with the added impact of chemo on our mental state, it's not surprising our thoughts and feelings take us to dark places at times, "I found my wellbeing papers and will post them", and hopefully they will help.

Good news your lungs are fine, will they be tested regularly?, and your heart was ok so treatment could be done, and I'm happy their monitoring the fluid around your heart, PE, needs to be checked regularly.

Well Marie, I'm very easy confused so don't worry about it, the M technique is new to me, could well be the Marie technique, please let me know what this "other place " is and what options you may have, though I do do hand massage for my arthritis and to relax, more than happy to share, more medical training for Dave, he's going to be a fully qualified nurse soon 

Up to 12 cycles  of chemo, it sounds like your  team are more confident it was behind your tumour shrinking,  I will have everything crossed for good results my friend.

I'm sure many of your family and friends would love a homemade candle, especially a lavender one, I know I would.

I too like Gunthorpe and Burton Joyce, and it's a nice place to walk, as for £25 to park, not from me, we were at Castle Howard today, free parking, I'm sure Amy,s having a good time, is your grandson with her too. Poppy's great, but not very chatty.

At Castle Howard today with friends, weather cool but we all enjoyed it, just 4 of us,  I even took some pictures.

love Eddie xx 

Hi Marie, I've  posted everything I have on wellbeing, and a few bits more on the friends forum xx

Good morning. Yes loovy at the moment lungs are okay. They seem to come every time I have chemo and do the checks. I believe to make sure everything is good to go for treatment. And I check things at home too. Oxygen intake has been fine up to now fingers crossed. It's just been my heart. If I deep breaths that's when it goes up. Deffo the tumour putting pressure on it in coming closer to it. All in all I'm feeling pretty well at present. 

The oncologist believes that it was more the radiotherapy that shrunk the tumour. She isn't holding out much hope for chemo. In fact she told me it probably won't work. We shall just have to wait and see. 

We did the M technique. It was a hand massage. She didn't do the feet. It was good. I felt very calm and relaxed and it didn't take long so think it will work as a distraction for when I do start catastrophising. How do you find the hand massage? The place Helen has referred me to is Hayward House. She said it would take about a month. For reflexology and I would like Indian Head Massage. Watch this space. Yes, Dr Dave lol He did pick it up quickly and said he wouldn't have a problem doing it. Watch this space lol

Castle Howard is great. Loved it when we went and I hope you had a good time. If you have pics send them would be lovely to see them. Amy has been away all week. She said she has had a good time and is due home later. Grandson is at school and will be here for Christmas holidays. Other than hobbies not really done much this week. We are going to denby pottery Christmas market tomorrow. I follow a certain honey seller and she will be there. There looks to be other nice stalls too so looking forward to that. On Sunday we're meant to be going to the dark arts Christmas market but I will have to see how I feel for that one. 2 days on trot can be a bit much sometimes. We shall see. 

Anyway enough of me. How are you and any news X

Hi Marie, it's good to hear everyone is being vigilant, and your doing pretty well at this time, it's ok to shallow breathe, I've been doing it for years too take a little pressure off my heart, with no problems.

I will be hoping and praying your chemotherapy helps my friend 

I've not heard of the M technique,  Karen was good at it then, I love having my hands massaged, even by myself, though doing it for Sheila, makes me feel good too.  If you like your hands massaging, you will love reflexology, though only the feet are massaged, the effects can be felt all over your body, it's one of Sheila and my favourite things, we sit on the floor,  facing each other our feet in each other's laps, and massage/work each other's feet, using Flying Wild scented foot creams, almost every time one of us falls asleep, Indian head massage are fab too, but I'm not allowed due to acute migraines, but I'm sure you will love it, have fun both of you. I will look forward to  hearing your experiences.

Castle Howard was lovely, went with 3 friends, will send pics on PMs, not sure if your thinking of going, there are a few stairs to go up and down, though there were a handful of people in chairs, I can't remember seeing anyone in a chair upstairs, doesn't mean there wasn't.

Be lovely for you to see Amy, I hope she's brought you some yummies, and fab news grandsons stopping  for  the  Hols, don't they make Christmas. My auntie and her partner in Scotland are coming to see me for Christmas and new year,  3 weeks, lovely, they will be staying at Sheila's, but mum's the word.

We were hoping to go to the Matlock Christmas market tomorrow, depends on the weather, and Auroras Christmas fayre on Sunday-5 mins away.

Denby pottery sounds nice, not so sure about the dark arts Christmas market, is that Amy's idea. Have a wonderful time, all of you. I hope the weather is kind for all of us.

I'm fine, have MDT No4 on Tuesday, will  know if I have cancer in my bones, I'm very hopeful for ADT, and maybe SABR too. I forgot to mention, I had a brain aspiration as part of  my PCE diagnosis, fab news, I haven't got it, 8 weeks of he'll, on top of the stress of caring for Mandy through her treatments, why do they tell you these things before they're sure. Will PM those pictures now.

love Eddie xx 

Good morning. Yes, this is what I have to do. Shallow breath when I measure my heart to bring the figures down. Difficult because they ask me to deep breath when they're measuring my lungs. Deary me! The hand massage was lovely and Karen was fab. To be honest I'm not sure about the feet. When my feet are touched I tickle easy and I am apt to kick out. I'm up for giving it a go but shall have to see. Head massage, yes deffo. Dave plays with my head and hair on an evening and I love it. He did the hand massage last night. He did a grand job but he had freezing hands lol Yours and Sheila's experience sounds marvelous, good for you. How is she by the way?

Been to castle Howard already, it was great. We looked at Matlock but again decided it may be heaving and decided against it. Denby yesterday was okay. There wasn't a lot there. I presume they all went home because of the dreadful weather. We had a good time and got some lovely things including my honey. This time infused with turmeric. 

The dark arts market was for me. Amy likes that stuff too. But unfortunately I'm not going. I've had little or no sleep for some reason. Last night I had a bit of a meltdown. It came from nowhere. You're right about these things Eddie!! I was catastrophising about the dying. I don't feel bad this morning and I'm hoping it's passed. But that coupled with no sleep and the weather has made my mind up I'm chilling today.

Grandson is coming for Christmas yes. Amy is the absent parent. She lives with us. Much to our dismay grandson lives with dad down south. Although I believe he's only there for school and mates. Unfortunate circumstances, long story. Sorry I thought you knew that.

Eddie I'm so sorry and please forgive my ignorance but sometimes I struggle to understand your medical abbreviations. Like in the last paragraph. I've picked up your having things done and good luck. But I've also picked up it's going to be hell on top of Mandy. I really hope you're okay. Pace yourself and take care. 

Speaking of Mandy. How is she? And you? How are you and what plans today?