Just a feeling sorry for myself post.

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Warning, this may contain words that might upset others .

Also it's longer than I realised so I apologise

I just want to whinge, moan, rant about stuff in a place I feel safe, so feel free to scroll on by .

Many years ago in 2009, I lost 2 best friends within a month of each other, one to cervical cancer and the other to throat cancer, after watching them go through all the stuff cancer treatment throws at you, I decided then and there that if I was ever to get cancer (sick I know) that I'd refuse treatment fast forward to 2021, when a random itch on my left breast and letters reminding me that I'd reached the age of needing a mammogram, lead me to being diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer which required a lumpectomy and axillary clearance, out of the 18 lymph nodes removed 13 was cancerous, a CT and bone scan revealed a shadow on the rightlung, which they presumed was benign and would undergo 3 monthly CT scans to keep an eye on it, I was offered chemo and radiotherapy I remembered watching my friends go through it and declined stating I preferred quality of life rather than quantity and would rather have a shortened normalish life than a longer life filled with sickness etc that treatment so lovingly gives.

Fast forward to 2022, the 'shadow' on the right lung as turned into mets, with 3 in the right lung and 4 in the left, the 'shadow' was the main one causing problems as it sits in the bronchi and stopping oxygen getting to the lung, I agreed to try Letrozole which turned me into an 99 y3ar old stroke victim, my oncologist told me it was an allergic reaction and to stop the tablets, she did say that because I couldn't tolerate something as simple as a hormone blocker I'd struggle to tolerate something harsher.

Fast forward March 2023, I'd had a CT scan and bone scan in the January of 23, the results weren't good and I was told the cancer had gone from being slow growing to aggressive, and the middle lobe on my right lung has collapsed, the bottom lobe was almost gone and the top lobe was hazy , the oncologist wanted me to have chemo, I asked if that would help with what was happening, she told me unfortunately not but whe hoped it would at least stop it spreading elsewhere, I told her "so you want me to take treatment that will not only NOT help with the current situation but make me sick on top?" She replied "yes" I told her I didn't want to be sick from treatment on top of what was already going on, so she struck me off and I'm under the hospice now.

Fast forward to Monday the 17th July when I received the results from a Xray that I'd had 3 days before , for a pain in my arm which turns out to be bones mets , the cancer as indeed spread.

Now for the feeling sorry for myself , there isn't much I can do without gasping for breath, my righr arm is pretty useless, I cough logs and lots and have to rely on my wife more and more , which I hate doing and to top it off? I KNOw that if I'd undergone treatment at the very beginning, I wouldn't be in this position now!! That's what's worse , knowing all this could have been prevented after suffering treatment for a few short months but NO... my stupid selfish, stubborn arse wouldn't have treatment and now I'm suffering, now my life is more pointless than it used to be , now my wife who's says she finally found the one ,will have to go on with her life without me in it, (I should say at this point that in March 23 I was given 6-12 months to live) I'm leaving my 23 year old autistic son behind after fighting heaven and earth to get him moved to his own place, closer to us, when looking back now he'd have been better off where he was, especially as I won't be around much longer, yes my wife knows she as to take over and as already taken over , she won't get help with him as he refuses help from anyone else, won't interact with social services or other people and never as .

So I'm now beating myself up lowing I've no one to blame but myself and knowing I could have prevented all of this so please if you've managed to read this far, no negative comments, because I already know its my fault, I don't need you to tell me this .

anndanv over 1 year ago

Hi Nala, I think when you were writing this you were thinking of just ranting to get your feelings out and didn't expect too many people to read such a long post. Well, I also read it from beginning to end and im pleased you seem to feel better for writing everything down.

I do think you should be allowing your wife to read this too and she would agree with the rest of us here that you made the decision that was right for you at the time you made it. That's all any of us can do.

When I read about your son having moved closer to you and your wife, the thought that ran through my head was, they will be close enough to support one another when you are no longer here. That to me seems to be a good thing.

The prognosis from March this year, I would take with a pinch of salt as no one knows when life will stop. So just concentrate on what you wanted in the first place, quality time with your family, live for today and enjoy every minute. If you feel tired then rest and the next day will be a better one I hope.

I'm sure everyone at some time in their life thinks back wondering if this was right or that was right, but it is done now, so we just get on with living the best life we can, for as long as we can.

Love Annette x

Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, Today is a Gift!!!

Mmum over 1 year ago

Sending hugs.

Nala66 over 1 year ago in reply to sistermoon

Thank you so much for your reply, I admit I expected backlash, that is the usual response I get , even my own brother told me this was all my own fault .

I love that film hehe and yes I totally understand what you're saying .

I do write a journal but its very rare, I just seem to forget to write, it's not on actual paper but on an app called notes in my phone , which I believe I wrote when I had the 6-12 months diagnosis in March of this year .

Nala66 over 1 year ago in reply to anndanv

Thank you for your reply , it .means more than you'll ever know x

I have said those exact words to my wife, she cried and wishes there was something she can do , she also respects my decision and understands why I chose the route that I did , she said it was up to me and nothing she could have said of done would have changed my mind, and she's hear for me .

I'd like to hope the next day is better than the day before, but unfortunately I've not had a good day in some weeks now .

I don't pay much attention to the 6-12 months diagnosis because no-one can truly predict when your going to die , but me and my wife both know that I get worse as the days,weeks and months go by , the cancer in my arm as only appeared recently, we know its now aggressive, there is so much I can no longer do or struggle to do x

Nala66 over 1 year ago in reply to chellesimo

I can't help but beat myself up, even though I no deep down that you're right, there was no guarantee that treatment would have worked x

Nala66 over 1 year ago in reply to Salis

I guess , you're right but now I have to live with the bad choices that I made x

MSG23 over 1 year ago in reply to Nala66

Oh bless you please stop beating yourself up. As it’s been said, you did what you thought was right at the time. You watched two of your friends suffer and that had a huge affect on you.
Treasure this time with your wife and son and put behind you the things you cannot change.
Trusting you find some peace.
sending hugs

Judy xx

Salis over 1 year ago in reply to Nala66

Hi Nala, you are plainly a thoughtful and conscientious person, you are responding to all the messages individually. I know that you feel that you made bad choices, but you can't know how different the outcome would have been if you had chosen differently.

Try not to beat yourself up regretting stuff that you can't change and is unknowable. Gentle Hugs xxx

Sarah

Rojan over 1 year ago

Hi Nala.
Your turn to read a long post but please do so cause I’m actually on your side (if there are sides).
It’s all about decisions and when we make them. Life is just one long series of decisions when you’re think about it. From simple decisions like what to have for dinner, is it time to go to bed, whether to buy that outfit you’ve seen, where to go on holiday etc to bigger decisions like should I take that job, buy that house, accept that offer of marriage or even get married at all.
Small decisions don’t come with a risk. If you’re get it wrong you just learn not to do it again. Even wrong decisions about marriage or moving house can be rectified.
But then you come to the really serious decisions, ones there is no way back from. There’s a 50:50 chance you’ll get it right. All you can do is reason it out as best you can based on the knowledge that you have, the effect it will have and what your gut tells you. That’s what you did.
I for one am not sure whether you got it right or wrong. The one thing I am sure of is that I totally agree with the main rationale for the decision you made. That being quality over quantity. I know this principle might fly in the face of most of our cancer community but it all depends on personal circumstances.
When I started my cancer journey I like you had to decide whether to undergo treatment. The only first hand experience I had had previously was my Grandfather and an Uncle who both suffered and died of lung cancer. I was very young at the time ( certainly under 10) and they were old in my mind so I had no real reason to make any other decision than to undergo treatment. As it happens I made the right decision but that was nearly 15 years ago when I was so much fitter as a 54 year old girl o
Fast forward to 2023 many years of treatment later which in the early days were pretty easy to deal with and gave me a quality of life so important to me. To now being not the case. My body is battered from the cocktail of drugs it has endured over the years and quality of life is none existent.
So this is why have made one of those biggy decisions. I’ve stopped treatment. There I’ve said it for the first time to my community friends. Who knows whether this decision will shorten my life but at least what life I have left will be drug and side effect free.
If you’re still with me Nala I hope you will take from this very long post a sense of you’re not alone. We have both made monumental decisions. Right or wrong is subjective but for us they have been made for very good reasons.
Keep well for as long as you can.
Rojan xx

Coddfish over 1 year ago

Don’t beat yourself up. You can’t change the past, and you also don’t know if different choices would have produced a different outcome. I have metastatic breast cancer despite accepting everything that was offered to me. I don’t know if I have been using up my remaining good days on treatment, or whether current treatment will make a difference, but I don’t plan to make matters worse by regretting my decisions.