Warning, this may contain words that might upset others .
Also it's longer than I realised so I apologise
I just want to whinge, moan, rant about stuff in a place I feel safe, so feel free to scroll on by .
Many years ago in 2009, I lost 2 best friends within a month of each other, one to cervical cancer and the other to throat cancer, after watching them go through all the stuff cancer treatment throws at you, I decided then and there that if I was ever to get cancer (sick I know) that I'd refuse treatment fast forward to 2021, when a random itch on my left breast and letters reminding me that I'd reached the age of needing a mammogram, lead me to being diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer which required a lumpectomy and axillary clearance, out of the 18 lymph nodes removed 13 was cancerous, a CT and bone scan revealed a shadow on the rightlung, which they presumed was benign and would undergo 3 monthly CT scans to keep an eye on it, I was offered chemo and radiotherapy I remembered watching my friends go through it and declined stating I preferred quality of life rather than quantity and would rather have a shortened normalish life than a longer life filled with sickness etc that treatment so lovingly gives.
Fast forward to 2022, the 'shadow' on the right lung as turned into mets, with 3 in the right lung and 4 in the left, the 'shadow' was the main one causing problems as it sits in the bronchi and stopping oxygen getting to the lung, I agreed to try Letrozole which turned me into an 99 y3ar old stroke victim, my oncologist told me it was an allergic reaction and to stop the tablets, she did say that because I couldn't tolerate something as simple as a hormone blocker I'd struggle to tolerate something harsher.
Fast forward March 2023, I'd had a CT scan and bone scan in the January of 23, the results weren't good and I was told the cancer had gone from being slow growing to aggressive, and the middle lobe on my right lung has collapsed, the bottom lobe was almost gone and the top lobe was hazy , the oncologist wanted me to have chemo, I asked if that would help with what was happening, she told me unfortunately not but whe hoped it would at least stop it spreading elsewhere, I told her "so you want me to take treatment that will not only NOT help with the current situation but make me sick on top?" She replied "yes" I told her I didn't want to be sick from treatment on top of what was already going on, so she struck me off and I'm under the hospice now.
Fast forward to Monday the 17th July when I received the results from a Xray that I'd had 3 days before , for a pain in my arm which turns out to be bones mets , the cancer as indeed spread.
Now for the feeling sorry for myself , there isn't much I can do without gasping for breath, my righr arm is pretty useless, I cough logs and lots and have to rely on my wife more and more , which I hate doing and to top it off? I KNOw that if I'd undergone treatment at the very beginning, I wouldn't be in this position now!! That's what's worse , knowing all this could have been prevented after suffering treatment for a few short months but NO... my stupid selfish, stubborn arse wouldn't have treatment and now I'm suffering, now my life is more pointless than it used to be , now my wife who's says she finally found the one ,will have to go on with her life without me in it, (I should say at this point that in March 23 I was given 6-12 months to live) I'm leaving my 23 year old autistic son behind after fighting heaven and earth to get him moved to his own place, closer to us, when looking back now he'd have been better off where he was, especially as I won't be around much longer, yes my wife knows she as to take over and as already taken over , she won't get help with him as he refuses help from anyone else, won't interact with social services or other people and never as .
So I'm now beating myself up lowing I've no one to blame but myself and knowing I could have prevented all of this so please if you've managed to read this far, no negative comments, because I already know its my fault, I don't need you to tell me this .
I did read, to the end.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, if only.
All the beating up, in the world, is not going to change anything.
You did what your thought, was right at the time, and i am afraid we cannot, turn the clocks back, if only.
I hope in one way, you fill a little better, for having a moan, rants, or just saying it how it is, some times we do fill, better, when all thoughts.
have been let out, of a mind at times, is in a turmoil, and we all have been there.
I hope others come in to add their voice.
I hope i have not been negative, tried not to be.
I thank you for an in depth thread, Ellie
I have read it to the end and I too can say, hinds sight is a wonderful thing. How many of us would have made different choices given the chance to!
it’s good you made the decision to put your thoughts down to share with us. We are here for you when you feel the need to share your thoughts whenever.
I read till the end too. I'm glad you feel a bit better by getting it all out. I know you think you've done the wrong thing by refusing treatment but who is to say that that is the case? Not all treatment works. It's like that film Sliding Doors that gives you 2 outcomes, your mind is replaying scenes from appointments and questioning your decisions and this is tormenting you. Do you journal? I find that when my mind is going over and over, it helps me to write everything down ( I know you have with this post) but in more detail. Your thoughts, feelings, your cancer history, even the things in your life that you are grateful for. It may help your wife and son to read it.
I hear that you are angry and are regretting your decisions but think about the reasons you made them and your mindset at that time, seeing your friends experiences of treatment that may not have helped them. You are where you are right now but we will all be in your position at some point, sooner or later. Don't beat yourself up.
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Hi Nala66 please do not beat yourself up over something that you cannot change. How do you know that the treatment would have worked? You don’t, so no point worrying about it now. As for your son, you moved him closer to you out of love for him, any parent would do the same. Xx
I am sorry that you find yourself where you are with so many regrets, you made choices that seemed to be the right choices for you at the time. You can't better that. I hope that you can accept loving care from your wife and let her know how much you love her too.
Oh Nala, you need a big hug. No one will judge here, no judgement necessary, but you are judging yourself rather harshly. I think it may have been cathartic to write that all down and brave as you have probably been thinking this for a while but not felt able to say it all out loud so well done. Does your wife know how you feel? It might help to talk to her honestly and openly about your thoughts of the decisions you’ve made, I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to be so harsh on yourself. I always try and follow my dads advice and that is never to regret. We make the decisions we make at the time with the information we have available to us at that time. We cannot see into the future. We are human beings with frailties and that’s what makes us human. You have given those you love, love for all those years and they will always have that. Don’t underestimate the importance and significance of that for your loved ones.
hugs, Jac x