I have been putting on weight lately. I don't think I can sugar-coat it, I've spent the last 4 months eating my body weight in chocolate, mince pies and the like. I have been feeling unhappy about having cancer and that I always will, till I pop my clogs. Now, I must make it clear that in this I am talking about my self image and self judgement when I say that it's tough enough at the best of times getting my cancer-ridden overly ample figure through my Pilates session and round the block on a walk and being heavier and having more padding in the way is not in any way helping. And I've fallen off the swimming waggon completely. I always was so fit and active, I tell myself, I did a physical job and walked everywhere and I am crestfallen about what's become of me. OK I have to have cancer and I don't want to, but I don't have to give in to being unfit, right? Well, unfit I am, and less fit than I could be. Oh, I don't feel good about having gained weight, and I stopped fitting into my jeans weeks ago.
I can admit to having had a kind of self destructive death-wish about my recent biscuita/cakea/chocaholism. It goes like this. I don't drink any more due to the disease in my liver, and I have zero self control so I'd better not start that again. So if not an evening glass of wine, how about a 200g bar of chocolate instead...a couple of nights a week...when I'm not eating mince pies? Or even as well as mince pies? And a cake after every meal and in between meals and a packet of biscuits before I go to bed? Yes I feel knackered because of the treatment and the disease and I feel worse being overweight but why should I exercise restraint on top of all the other rigours and privations of having b. cancer? Raising my blood sugar and my blood pressure and having a fatty liver can't be good for my outcome but I'm stuffed anyway, right? And I feel pretty terrible about having secret binges which my missus always notices and forgives me but I know she's unimpressed and the dog is insane with jealousy and Oh pass the biscuits....
Well I've managed this week to not buy more chocolate and not eat everything in sight, and I've sort of stopped putting on weight, but that's not going to make it easier to move unless I actually lose a bit. And I don't know the rules of the game now- if I cut things out (well other than cakes obviously) will I send my bloods out of whack? What if my calcium goes too low due to chocolate deprivation? What if I need the extra layer later on...which nutrients can I do without? Obviously the sweet stuff but where's the fun in life without a sticky toffee pudding? I'm in mourning....no I'm not, there's still some in the fridge...
So, answers on a postcard please. Do others recognise this sorry tale of addictive eating in the context of feeling sh*t about what's happening inside my body? Do others struggle with the person they see in the mirror? Have others, and how have others stayed as fit as they can for as long as they can, and has anyone got a really really good recipe for Chocolate Guinness Cake?
I just want to give you all a hug 
Well I am up for that HAC274 and a bit of peer encouragement never did any harm I reckon. I am so sad reading your story and you are very honest to share it. I decided last week that it's time to buy myself some new clothes that fit me and as best as possible flatter me now. So I am having a shopping trip on Friday. I realise this is a privilege not everyone with cancer can afford.
I hated the look of myself when I was having chemo. I missed my body hair, didn't feel like a proper adult! And of course bald with a huge ascites. It just made me sad. I don't know if that's anything like how you feel but I definitely get this not feeling like you want to be the person in the mirror.
On the positive side, the other thing I've been doing is making small gradual changes in what I'm eating. I've not suddenly stopped all the sweet stuff, just gradually oh so slowly cut down and I'm aiming for long term change not for depriving myself of anything I really really want. I'm feeling like I've come some was in resetting my relationship with food...I also learned on Friday that my liver function has been going off which worried me a lot because my love secondaries nearly killed me a year ago and could easily do so for real..the oncologist was preparing me to hear bad news in a month following my next scan..so I am realising that how I look is not entirely under my control. It really is the cancer's fault, not mine, and I'm trying to know this in my heart.
That's all rambling but I hope of some relevance.
And btw I love hot cross buns, especially with home made orange marmalade 
