How much (or little) do you tell people?

Hi Harebellle A very good question. I've always been very open and told friends I had cancer and it's ultimately spread and, TBH the majority of them have been really supportive and practical. They can't always express easily their thoughts and get the words out correctly, I'm always the bubbly extrovert and not the sort of person who should get cancer. It's as much a blow to them as it is to me.

My hubby initially buried his head in the sand but then changed and he's more loving and protective than he ever has be in over 40 years of marriage (Pity it took this to make it happen) He's now facing the fact that if this Immunotherapy doesn't work it's very bad news for me as the chemo seemed to blitz it yet it'd came back after just 4 months. He'll joke to people I'm supposed to be the one around to look after him (he's 10 years older) and I sometimes find it hard to smile.

Ask him gently to let you be the one to tell people, as you say it's not his news to tell.

Hugs, Barb xx

I really really feel for you.  I have hardly told anyone.  I told the immediate family and the in-laws because we felt they had to be told.  But not my MiL and not my uncle (don't see him regularly).  We didn't tell anyone until we had a way forwards, 3 months after I had started treatment.  I've told a few select friends now.  But now my approach is very much (a) why am I telling them?  (b) what support would I get from them?  If I don't think I would want to chat to them about it, or I felt they would give me their anxiety to manage, or remind me I have cancer,  asking me about it frequently, then I don't tell them.  I want everyone to treat me exactly the same as before and there's one certain way to guarantee that - don't tell them!   Problem is, once they know, you can hardly un-tell them.  

You're absolutely right, it's your situation and it should be your choice on whether you want to share and to whom.  You are entitled to privacy and that choice has been taken away from you.  :-(   Totally understand why you are upset.  Now you have to manage all the fallout from it, the stupid things people say and the body language you describe.  You need him to be in your corner, on your team. My husband has said a couple of things where I've given him 0/10.  I just told him why I scored it low and how I interpreted it, and what I was actually looking for from him (support and empathy).  Love N hugs.

Good point about being Entitled To Privacy.

Thanks Barb.

We have spoken about it 

He says the reason he says it (that it's incurable) is because it shocks people and then they don't question him further. It basically shuts the conversation down!

I'm still not happy about it.  It makes it easier for him, but at my expense.  Grrr!

Hi Harebelle,

I agree it should be your decision how much you tell people.

my husband told everyone in the village when I was first diagnosed and I had to tell him not to tell everyone. I have told my close friends but don’t discuss it all the time.

i prefer to have normal conversations with people not to be asked how I am all the time xx

Hi Harebelle, Maybe your husband is looking for support for himself if he is telling everyone! I agree with the others, talk to him and let him know how you feel and that it is not his news but your news!

I initially told family and close friends. Our son was due to get married 3 months after my diagnosis so we didn't tell his fiancé as I didn't want to take the focus away from the wedding. We told her once they returned from honeymoon. That was also when I told others in my walking group, tennis & badminton clubs etc. However nowadays I don't mention it at all. Some of the people I told then, look at me now as if I just wanted sympathy or lied as I am still here. So no, I don't talk about it at all.

Hi Harebelle, I hope you girls don't mind me jumping in on your convenience, Harebelle it is your right to tell others only if you want to.

I'd be annoyed if my wife told someone without me permission, we have agreed not to tell anyone who doesn't need to know, and we have spoken to Macmillan about our feelings, and have had counseling.

I was told 24 month's if I was lucky well that's up in January comming, my wife was like your husband wants to tell everyone, turns out this was fear of losing me, the mind is a strang thing, maybe both of you should continue talking about how you feel and come to a joint decision not a one-sided decision.

All the best Ulls 

Good advice from everyone. Thanks. Xx

I told family, work and close friends who I knew should offer support when I wanted it and not when I didn't. I was initially very unwell on treatment but that treatment worked well for me and the joke became bloody hell are you still here. There has now been more spread and a new treatment but very few people know about that as I still look very well whereas on previous treatment it was obvious something was badly wrong. Anyway after all this waffle it is your situation to tell and whilst I'm sure he does if in the best of interests he should be taking the lead from you. You may be surprised who becomes the best support to both of you it isn't always who you expect. Take care