Marriage problems

Tess, I am ashamed of the male part of the human race sometimes.  I have no such issues as my wife is my soulmate and has supported me always. He left for 6 weeks and you coped. He clearly is supporting you so he doesn't look like the bad guy, then when you pass he will soak up the admiration of everyone for looking after you till the end and they will all bless his "new" relationship as he is so "lucky" to find love again after cancer cruelly took his wife. Don't let him pay you a ton gesture to make himself look good. Call him out for the man he really is. Whose to say that when it gets really tough he wont sod off to his new woman and leave you alone anyway 

Tess, what did came into my mind was>>> if you really go downhill and sicker , you think he really would be there for you? I don't think so...he runs away now so what happens later when it will get harder?

You don't want to think all the time about what he is doing, writing or feeling? You need to think about yourself. You got friends and Kids..so if it was me...i throw him out.

Dear Tess73. I would like to echo many of the sentiments expressed here. I can understand that you feel fearful of being alone after such a long marriage, but as others have said, you need to put yourself first. All along your husband has put himself first, not you. His feelings; his desires; his needs. Not yours. My cousin, once marooned in a dead-end relationship with a very self-centred man, but fearful of a lonely future, asked my father, who she was close to, for advice. Dad promptly replied ' Tell him to sling his hook'. I would say, tell your husband to do the same. Oh, and change the locks on the doors when he goes out. Take care and be strong. Rainie x

You do whatever you see fit Tess. Everyone who gave an opinion here wants the best for you whatever their point of view.. You have got all these friends here who will support you completely. We all want what you want. I am not going to die anytime soon and neither are you. You will find some happiness, keep your pecker up. Xx

I agree with Norberry. You should do what you think is best you may want to keep contact with him.

it s hard being on your own 

lots of love xxx

Im so sorry youre going through this when you already have more than enogh to deal with. Why torture yourslf...send him on his way

big hug

• sylvia

Dear Tess, I can relate to the part about being lonely. I am a single parent and my family are great but I sometimes wish I had a partner. Family and friends sometimes don't fill that void. However I would want someone who would be committed to me and support me 100%. You shouldn't have to have the additional stress with your partner at this stage in your life.

From what you are describing your partner is causing you extra worry and you probably could do without it. Maybe it is best if he can be a supportive friend from a far as you will best know your situation and him. My personal opinion I wouldn't want the extra stress and would ask him to leave if he was just waiting for me to die. If you decide to separate I am sure your friends will be there as always.

Thanks to all for your comments, it has been very supportive. Thought you might like to know it has got worse, he told me yesterday in a mediation that he had tried to get off with two women before this current one, last September and in May this year. And when I said I had no trust in him any more and didn't know if I could get it back, he said he was relieved as he could stop trying as there was no point. I was gobsmacked to be honest. So this has really crossed the line now and I can't tolerate it. Also as many of you said he could go off at any time even if I agreed to his demand, and also see her in secret etc. So now I feel less fearful and less like making my decision because of having cancer. I have had enough and feel more empowered. I have told my 3 adult kids my plan to tell him tomorrow that it is finished and I want him to move out within a week and want some financial help from him as I might need private treatment or care in future. So I'll update you when I have put this to him..... Wish me luck and thanks again x

What an unbelievable arsehole. Good luck Tess73, thinking of you.

Much love,

Stuart x 

Every bit of luck and more Tess. You Will be OK. Your kids Will be OK.