Marriage problems

Ps I have been with him for 26 years, married nearly 25. We have 3 adult children youngest 18. I also feel humiliated at the whole thing and don't know how to manage telling friends and family, if I do.

Tess, I remember you from before. I have been off this forum for a while but had to put my two pennorth in.

he is a useless waste of time, you and your kids have done without him so make it permanent. I said this before when you were considering action and everyone agreed with my views. There have been far two many men behaving in this disgracefull manner, a women never abdicated  her responsibilities on here.

I know I shouldn't give such personal opinions but I have to as I feel I know you a little bit..

What have you got to be humiliated about...nothing. your friends and family will be right with you, a lot of them already know I am sure.

You have enough to worry about with this excuse for a husband. Out him. Xxxx 

'Without' this excuse for a husband. 

I could cry reading this, hope he forgets to look both ways when he is crossing the Road.

Thanks for such a quick reply, yes I have written before and I know people said I should get rid of him.... I feel torn though. I am worried about being on my own as I go physically down hill whenever that is (my treatment ends in November and there's no other treatment). In the 6 weeks he was away I was so lonely and hated being on my own so much. I hate the idea of losing my long marriage as well as my life too soon. There is and has been some good in him despite what I have written here. Feel so unsure.

I do understand all that you have said. I just fired from the hip. You just seem such a nice person and I just want the best for you. One you have worked out the pros and cons you will know what's likely to be best for you long term.

Even without current treatments there are future ones and no one knows what the future holds.  I was meant to be brown bread 4 years ago, but look at me, still here thinking I know everything.

Course there must be some good in him, just need to see a big batch of it come out for more than a few weeks!

Thinking of you Tess along with everyone on here trying to think of the best thing to advise. There are plenty of wise people on here Tess, you have always got us. Xx

Dear Tess, I have been off the forum for some time as I thought I had anything useful to say. I have just proved that havnt I.

Hi Tess73 I don't normally speak about this, but seeing how upset you are I feel I have to share. The day I was diagnosed, my husband drank a bottle of whisky, and in his drunken state decided to tell me he had been having an affair. The next day, he remembered nothing of the night before, but I told him, be would need someone for support so if he was to carry on seeing her, he could, but he was not to make it obvious. I did not want to know. The day I had my operation, he was there, but when I came out of theatre and was in recovery, the nurses couldn't find him. He came to the hospital that night, saying he had gone home to sleep. Who goes home to sleep when their wife is having surgery? I knew where he was, but said nothing. The next couple of weeks, it was obvious he wasn't there for me, he was in the home, but his mind was not. So I decided I would be better off without him , rather than have him there pretending to everybody else he was a good husband, when all he really wanted was to be with her. I didn't want my death to be convenient for him. So I chucked him out, and let me tell you, it felt good! 

My cancer is stable, and I know I am lucky that I have found someone else, someone who fell in love with me knowing I have cancer, but wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. But I would rather of been on my own than be treated as anyone's second best. 

Your family and friends will support you no matter what your decision is, and I am sure they just want you to be happy. 

Oh and my husband stayed with the other woman, for 2 years before running off with her best friend, so looks like I definitely made the right decision. 

Hi Tess73, I have never had trouble in my 39yr marriage, so I wasn’t sure wether to reply to this. I identify with you though as I have metastatic melanoma (no primary) and when I received my diagnosis back in 2015 I was told I had probably less than 12 months. I had (have) a worry book which back then when trying to make sense of all my feelings had worries about my daughters friends and family. Conflicting worries that my husband would become a hermit after I died and I would want him to be with someone else. Another worry was that my husband would be approached by another woman before my passing and that would be gutting for me. I have every faith that my husband would not instigate anything but it must be really really hard sometimes for our other halves as well as for us. I know problems in marriage is a reality for many due to  pressures on relationships maybe due to money, redundancy, illness, worries, falling out of love etc etc. I guess I’ve been very lucky, I remember our friend Daloni in this group who was not so lucky, I wish she was still with us to give you some words of wisdom. 

From my experience none of us know how long we actually will have left as I am well past that 12 months that was mentioned, I have been on Pembro for years and read in your profile that you are stable but think treatment may stop, and that there is no other treatment. I will find out on 15/9 if Pembrolizumab is failing for me but there is a possible clinical trial that shows promise for some of a complete response (which I once had to Pembro back in 2016/17, and for some a partial response for some years as well as other things not so favourable. I keep my positive head on most of the time and I am aware that a few friends facing infidelity or abandonment would not be forgiving but also sometimes it’s not their choice, it’s the man who has walked walked away, with another friend when he said that he thought they should have a divorce because he was attracted to someone else they have worked it out and are still together years later. 

I wonder if you can take cancer out of the equation and seek some relationship guidance. I’m feeling that it is very unfair for you to be told that he wants to keep in touch with her and it sounds like you have been given no choice in that. I would also fear that your “insurance policy” of him looking after you could turn into something nastier than if you let him go, as sometimes emotional abuse can occur, I’m thinking if you live a lot longer than either of you think you might. 

I would urge you to contact relate https://www.relate.org.uk/ and perhaps the Macmillan Support line on 0808 808 0000 to get some of you thoughts straight.

Hi Tess, I haven't been on here very often recently, I was frozen out for a while for the third time! Anyway, like others, I saw your post and felt I had to let you know my thoughts on your situation! You can't just take it you are going to die soon. Like Norberry and KT, I am well passed my "sell by date" when diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma and given 5-7 months. That was in 2013! 
You have said you don't like living alone but I do think it would be better than living with someone who'd rather not be there and you can no longer trust.

I definitely think you need to send him packing! Once a cheat, always a cheat! I'm sure your adult children and the rest of your family will rally round and support you! He should be ashamed of himself, you have nothing to be humiliated about at all!

Unfortunately, this is not an isolated case. Over the years there have been many others in your situation, like Chellesimo threw them out and didn't regret it! Please think of yourself, you deserve better!