Don't mention the bus!

Hi Annette anndanv

Yes Annette, lucky Vince has a cool head on him, I remember that comment and it's just as horrific as it was the first time. How on earth can anyone say that to a cancer patient?

I think I'll arm myself with a few items to say in cases like that. Something like "I heard you were in hospital yourself, for a face lift. You really ought to take legal action against the surgeon".  

Quite often I'm told I look really well. Jokingly I'll say, what do you want me to look like?*

Oh, there's nowt as queer as folk!

Take care Annette and stay safe

Tvman xx

Wow! Some people only open their mouths to change feet! I had someone ask if I thought my husband would marry again, but the one that hurt recently was when we'd just heard that my brother had aggressive oesophageal cancer. A good friend asked if he was competitive and then laughingly said we could have a competition to see which one of us lasted the longest. I think YoungMan is right, these comments have more of an impact when we're feeling low. ruthjp bereavement is another minefield, that's so hurtful.

So my next question is why do we always put their feelings above our own? We make excuses like it wasn't malicious, they mean well.... YoungMan I always brace myself when someone starts a sentence with 'at least' but that comment from a nurse is unforgivable. (It's harder to be forgiving on someone else's behalf.)

anndanv Ok, I know we can't go round punching folk but it's worth having a few stock phrases up your sleeve to teach people how to deal with these difficult conversations or just to put a stop to them.

When someone tells me I look well I always say 'yes, thank God I'm attractive!' 

xx

I don't think I will be crossing you lot anytime, it would seem to be a risky business.

I have only had the, we will all die eventually, at least you will know when and , you look so well. Forgave them very quickly, too quickly I think you would all say.

Xx

I have to put my hand up to that one It's such a personal thing, I do want to offer sympathy and acknowledge what a difficult time they're having, what would you say instead? How do you handle it if it evokes such a strong response? 

Someone said to me once we teach people how to treat us. She was talking about running a business but I've never told anyone that I found their comments insensitive or hurtful and at times that means I've avoided them instead. xx

When they say they are sorry, Tinalay, i say ‘why?  it’s not your fault, it is what it is and I’m not dead yet’.  

I think I would just rather they would ignore the cancer and just talk to me as they normally would.

I suppose there is no right or wrong way for people to respond when they find out somebody has cancer, and they probably are genuinely sorry, who knows.

Lovely to meet you too Little lamb As Salis said, there's a wide range of discussions and some great characters among the group, so there should be something for everyone! We do develop fairly thick skins I think, but every now and then we get sideblinded.  

xx

I've not really noticed any crass comments from other people so far, possibly because I was diagnosed during the pandemic so most people have been told of my diagnosis at a remove, and bumping into people isn't really a thing now!

I really like your comment that we are all mortal, it's a good phrase and i think I'll save it up. 

Norberry I think we all forgive but it's clear from the replies that we don't forget the most hurtful comments. 

I bet your sense of humour gets you out of most sticky situations but there are times I'd love to know how to let someone know they're being insensitive without any awkwardness. There's a whole range of greeting cards about this, 

"When life gives you lemons I won't tell you a story about my cousins friend who died of lemons" 

"I wish I could take away your pain or at least take away the people who compare it to the time their hamster died" 

xx

It must be me at fault because I find these crass, inconsiderate, thoughtless remarks more ridiculously funny the more I hear them.

I think it is because I am having trouble accepting what is wrong with me so I don't see that these comments apply to me.

What I have just said is absolutely crazy but it is exactly how I feel.

I am supposedly in my final year and I imagine I would be less tolerant when things become more dodgy.

I have laughed all my life, no sense, no feeling. Not a bad way to be.

The greeting card examples had me honestly crying with laughter, I would love to hand one of those out instead of becoming upset with friends or family who have NO idea how we feel.

Right Tinalay, sort that out. Xxxxxxxxxx

Send for the men in white coats, and the moderators!

Against my infinitely better nature, I'm gonna have to agree with Norbs on a lot of that...

And in general, perhaps we should all come up with some "stock in trade" thoughtful ripostes to the stupid thoughtless comments we all get.

My most memorable one was, "Well, you've had a good life!" In the middle of the supermarket!

All I could think, and I didn't say it, was actually, I've had a GREAT life which is why I'm not exactly over the moon with it ending imminently!!!!