Why do i always feel worse and some what confused after speaking to my oncologist

Hi there there you go hubby birthday to look forward to oh yes gardening a massive passion of mine watching films and music are also passions of mine here is an a b c coping one for you when I feel I am going to have let's call it a meltdown moment and I need to let off steam I put on a rock band CD and play it loud and pretend I am in the band playing an electrical guitar and get all my feelings out doing that a bit out there I know but hey whatever gets you in a better place music as well can also make you feel worse as the times I am in a really bad place and what do I do put cold play on and the track is called fix you oh God not the track to play when I am in a bad place the words are so meaningful to me in my opion one of the best tracks they have written here I go again waffling on as usual ha ha like I say it doesn't matter how daft or stupid on how you get out out of a bad situation just DO IT to make you feel better xxx

My brother and hubby just got the garden finished recently was doing it when I got poorly so it got put on hold then we had winter its nice to sit out in the sun sometimes just like to be out there on my own with the sun in my face I like music and films too I will listen to that coldplay track as I have not heard it true what ever i can do to make myself feel better I will and once I get my biopsy out of the way and we can go out for a few days here and there it will help i dont know why I have the urge i really want to go to a zoo lol, and you can waffle on to mr anytime you want i will let you know what I think about that cold plat track xxx

Hi again I am getting stressed trying to find a meditation app they say free then you find thats just free for you to down load  is the app is the one you use free I looked i dont think it is but it does not give a total price same with calm app.or you find there free for a week but then still don't tell you the full price totally confusing xx

God knows what the group think of me posting that comment about the electric guitar moment ha ha hope it's brought a smile to you and the rest of the group I have a big garden and I have a pond when it is nice weather to hear the waterfall flowing is so calming and I look around at all the hard work I have put into it to get it looking brill and then you listen to the birds tweeting and singing away it puts me in a good place you can't beat a good film or drama for me it takes me out of reality for a while I actually watched cold play on the Glastonbury repeats the other day as well as David bowie I like all sorts of music I have a huge collection so you want to go to a zoo if that's what you want to do you go to a zoo and enjoy yourself that's something you can look forward to and typical me again I have waffled on again xxx

It did bring a smile to my face theres nothing wrong with dreams taking you away for a while, when I came out of hospital it took me some time to get into anything especially tv I always liked a movie on an evening but just could not do it but bit by bit I am slowly starting to enjoy them again horrors are my favourite but like romantic comedy's anything really  me and my hubby and some  friends went to gigs over the years but apparently thats no good if yiu have a low immune system was meant to be going to  York for a night in a hotel but then the bloody lockdown came so we had to cancel still will get there when its all calmed down but zoo in York lol, I hope you manage to get into your garden this weekend its meant to be ok, hopd you did not mind me waffling instead you stay safe and keep me posted as I will too xxx

Hi Charlotte Louise

Thanks for replying. Yes 5 years is a long time to be in pain but if I sit on my backside every day then I wouldn't have as much. I can't do that though, I can't sit around watching my wife do everything, I need to help. I'm probably no different than any other disabled person in a wheelchair or even those that struggle through every day with back pain. I take a high dose of morphine twice a day. I took more but the chronic pain consultant advised me to drop the dose because it would take 10 years off my life which I don't know how that is and then of course I have an incurable cancer which is probably going to take me earlier anyway. I followed his advice and dropped the dose by 50mg twice a day but the pain was even more severe so I had to go back up by 30mg twice a day. I'm also having hallucinations, sometimes 2 or 3 times daily, usually when I'm waking up from dozing or more communly when being wakened from a doze by my wife. These hallucinations are sometimes quite frightening for example I thought my wife beside me was a small monkey or once she appeared to be a tall bright yellow blob which quickly melted in front of me. There are more that I remember for a few minutes which cause me to scream or yell loudly which wakes me up during the night but also scares the life out of my wife. My GP is blaming long term morphine but also mixed with alcohol that I'm having issues with doesn't help. I'm having support from an outreach programme for the alcohol problem which is helping but that's what happens in my life at the moment.

Luckily, like Popgate, I have a large garden where I spend at least 3 hours in it daily. Great therapy.

Charlotte Louise, I reckon buying your sage tablets from Holland and Barrett rather than from the internet every time. To be fair, other companies are available. 

Just to save yourself from being snowed under by watching videos that recommend you try their relaxation methods because each say theirs is best, just find something that works for you Charlotte. Whether you choose an app for mental health or get engrossed in an activity like gardening or walks in beautiful places Charlotte, I do hope you find something that works for you. 

Take care and keep safe

Tvman xx

I am pleased it made you smile me bombing around the house ha ha I get moments like that trying to watch a film to escape for a while but as you are watching it's like you are not watching because you are so full of worry and you can't get into the film and escape for a while it's like when I am with my consultant my mind goes blank I can't get in my head what she is saying if you know what I mean in a waffling way again keep focusing on good things like York and your zoo trip we have enough bad things to deal with it really helps I know the weather is shocking at the minute so not been able to potter much but they say will improve by weekend oh I don't mind at all about waffling you go girl I am the queen of waffling so you keep on waffling stay safe and keep fighting on xxx

Hi Popgate Flippen

I hope you enjoy your garden as much as I enjoy mine. You brought a smile to my face when I read about you and the air guitar. I'm from that era too and I frequently played the air guitar also

One of my wife's cousins, Donald, is who I think of straightaway when air guitar is mentioned, he got so emotional that he would often be in tears after a session. I say got because 2 weeks ago he succumbed to this awful disease only 8 months after diagnosis of oesophagal cancer. He was a good friend to me, we bonded early from meeting. He was more in contact with us than any other cousin. 

Flippen, take care and stay safe.

Tvman xx

Hi tv man yes I love my garden and I know you love yours I am glad I brought a smile to your face about my air guitar moments I have had a few messages about this that have cheered people up which I hoped it would and it has however also at the same time it has also brought up a very sad moment with your wife's cousin Donald and how very special your friendship was I am so sorry if I have upset you at all in any way I can assure you that was never my intention to do that I really feel awful now as you know I am not clever with words as you know I really hope I have not upset you xxx

Hi Popgate Flippen 

Please believe me that you never offended me at all. Not one iota. You put a smile on my face for sure, you brought a good memory to me and I was happy about that Flippen.

Tvman xx