Has cancer taught us anything?

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Hi all,

The thread "who are we" led to me thinking about how I am different since a cancer diagnosis, and mentioned that cancer had changed her. So my question to anyone who wants to answer is - what have you learned?

For me, the first diagnosis in 2004 led me to decide I never wanted to work full time again if I could afford it, so I dropped to 4 days per week as soon as I could. Facing mortality does have a salutary effect on deciding what is important. Well, you'd think so wouldnt you? But I know I let some of my resolve about working less slip away over time. I still worked part time, but I know I gave too much of myself to work, which in a way was giving myself to other people, given my work was about supporting staff and people in emotional distress. The second time of diagnosis reminded me. I recognised that I had given too much of myself to the stresses of work life, and had sometimes not paid enough attention to family and to myself and what I needed. Bit bloody late, n'est pas? If I subscribed to the view the lifes sends us the lessons we need to learn, then The Universe had to shout at me to get me to listen ( and no I dont subscribe to that view, hippy dippy shit).

The good things learnt, finally - look after those close to you, look after yourself and dont care too much about the things we are taught to care about - "success", money, things. That life can still be good even having joined this group of incurables,  and we live in days ( see Larkin poem of that name).

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    One of the things you learn very quickly is who your real friends are.

  • I really had to think about this one

    At 51 - Cancer has taught me

    I am fragile and it is mentally hard to accept my diagnosis.

    I know who my true friends are  - some I thought friends have not contacted or spoken to me since diagnosis - that is now their problem not mine.

    That my partner really is ' the one' and I cannot let go the guilt regarding my diagnosis.

    I am angry that someone is going to take my place in a life I should be living - not that I want him to be on his own I want him to be happy but it should be me.

    I am also stronger than I thought I was - well today I am, it might change in a heartbeat.

    I have never been materialistic at all I am even less so now.  For example I don't care if the grass is too long or I have not dusted and hovered.

    I have learnt to not sweat the small stuff.

    My family are more important to me than I realised - I knew they were important and I love them dearly but well you know....

    I have learnt to appreciate the small thing, sounds corny but - the birds in the garden bring me joy, a nicely made hot cup of steaming coffee, sitting with my partner in blissful silence.  Laughing, crying, talking, hugging

    And finally trying to accept life sometimes really is Sh*^

    Not much of a good post but this is what I have learnt and how it has changed me.

    I probably have gone off in tangent.

    Iamlyn

  • Hi Roobarb. I have definitely learned a lot from the people posting on this subject.

    It appears you can be semi lucky which I now consider I am by having this disease but not surrounded by further unhappiness.

    Or you get the disease and get smothered by another shedful of bad luck as well. Nicky Nosher and daloni spring to mind. 

    I think I now have to count my blessings and make an effort to enjoy what remains.

  • At 51 like I learnt That age is no filter for prostrate cancer

    I learnt that even though I felt well, I wasn’t, 50 at diagnosis.

    I’ve learnt how I truly do Love my wife (in doubt before diagnosis to my shame)

    Ive learnt how strong my wife is

    Ive learnt how much my wife loves me

    Ive learnt how much my wife and children are prepared to do when I need

    Ive learnt the difference between incurable and Terminal - such an important difference 

    I’ve learnt that material things are less important than I thought prior to diagnosis 

    I’ve learnt that it’s difficult/impossible to forget you have cancer between checkups

    Ive learnt how some unexpected people do care
    Ive learnt how little some people care

    I’m learning the Serenity pray although not religious 

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    courage to change the things I can,
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    I am still trying to learn how my daughter with mental illness will manage without me

    I am still learning to let go of work and career

    I am still trying to deal with my wife’s love of alcohol unhealthy but not alcoholic 

    I could go on but unsure how healthy for me to dwell on it

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to YoungMan

    Hi sorry if my post upset you in any way, I would feel bad if it had.

    don’t get me wrong, I still experience joy and happiness in life and I have been very lucky in my friends and family and know I am loved, but I knew all that before - has cancer taught me that? No, like lass, if I’m honest it’s not taught me much!

    have a wonderful day xxxx

  • Of course it didn't Roobarb, not in the least. your post was good reading. This is a good thing!

    Now I want to edit what I said previously because I think I totally agree with everything you have just said! I should be advised by you and Lass in the future before I post anything!

    Xxxxxxxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to Norberry

    Absolutely we are very wise lol

  • Pffffffffffffffft!

    Def don't listen to me! I'm always getting smacked by Admin for one thing or another! XD

    I'm one of the 'troublesome youngsters' in the group who pops up here and there to have a moan or try and make someone smile. Like a Brownie of yore! lol

    Lass

    xx

    I have no medical training, everything I post is an opinion or educated guess. It is not medical advice.

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to Norberry

    Remember folks we are all different thats what makes sharing so much fun. I personally think that we learn something from all our experiences in life and when something as big as this comes along whether it is good or bad, recognised or not, we all learn something. I have a daughter and I can tell you now I am telling her to do all the things I should have done to be more vigilant in the hope that if I have passed on the Cancer Gene they will catch it early and she will have better outcomes. 

    If nothing else I think we would all know to stand right at the back if someone came along dishing out cancer. 

    Take care all you warriors 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    Hi! 
    I am going to take some time to think over a longer reply. One thing I’ve learned today is that I am so lucky and so happy to be part of this group. You’ve made me smile in self recognition and cry in self sympathy reading through your replies. There’s so much we share. 

    I’ll be back 

    xx