Brotherly love and addiction

Hi tvman

Well you dropped that confession in all casual like, in a way that makes it seem like this has to be a really big deal but please let’s only look at it sideways. 

I come from a family of addicts and I suspect my ex is an alcoholic. He left me emotionally when I stopped drinking and his drinking buddy was no longer around. You don’t have to be a hobo to be an alcy. 

Is your alcohol use a form of self medication? The days at home alone feeling unwell and in pain hang heavy and I can understand the urge to be somewhere else. Alcohol does take us away - that’s why we talk about being “out of our heads” on booze. The actual amount you’re drinking doesn’t sound a lot compared to alcoholics I have known and loved but it’s not really the amount that counts. If it’s a problem of dependence for you, it’s a problem. I think you’re very brave to address this and to start to own it. I hope you get the support and help you need. 

As for siblings, your brother sounds like a good man. My ex and his brother were devoted as adults but I remember an evening they spent showing me the scars each had inflicted on the other during boyhood fights. My little sister and I used to fight. We are 18 months apart so grew up together. She would kick me on the shins while I’d rap her on the head with my knuckles. We chatted about it as adults. I told her I couldn’t bring myself to kick her on the shin because I knew how much it hurt. She couldn’t bring herself to rap me on the head for the same reason.

Chin up tvman. Spring is nearly here 

xx

tvman, well... as we can talk open here, yes i had a big problem. After my Brain surgery and losing my job and couldn't drive etc...i started go to play pokies, well it did make me not think and have fun, so i was thinking. At the end it did cost me alot alot alot of money ... and i have to say without my husband i dont think i could have stopped. And yes, i still would like to go.. crazy.

Morning tvman

As said you slipped that into the conversation but it's obviously on your mind and good that you feel able to talk about it here.

My father was an alcoholic and we have a few recovering alcoholics in the family, so I know the misery that goes with it.

The loneliness, isolation and physical limitations must be so hard to cope with and I can fully understand how alcohol takes the edge off in the short term having done that myself in the worst of times.

The down side is that ultimately excessive drinking is a form of self harm. It fans the flames of whatever you're feeling, misery, chips away at your self esteem, and importantly for you, sucks the life out of your immune system. All of those things will have an impact on your family too eventually.

I hope the support person from the addiction centre will help you get back on track. I know how devoted you are to your grandson, if he were old enough I'm sure he'd be proud of you for taking steps to help yourself, I think it's a brave decision and by talking about it you might just have helped someone else too.

Wishing you the very best of love and luck. xx

I have been in this place. Finally I could take it no longer. The shame, loss of control, not caring for myself, the feeling of being ridden and driven by something outside myself. 

I tried all sorts of things, moderation, not drinking during day etc.. and none of them worked for more than a couple of weeks, then my husband was diagnosed with Parkinsons and there was more of 'why have I got to be the one who copes?' I was luck enough to find an AA group locally who have loved and supported me ever since. I know this is not a solution that works for everyone. I walked away from one group because I thought everything they were saying was stupid so have no idea why trying another had a different effect on me. I've been part of this group for 12 and a half years now. And not had a drink since. Looks amazing to me typing that. They are people I like and respect. My past year of diagnosis has been very tough, father has died, husband's care home closed, several suicide attempts by brother when supposedly looking after me after my kidney removal and then add to that my Stage 4 diagnosis and brain mets - during the year I have constantly been offered alcohol and not once has it even crossed my mind that I wanted it. My group has been amazingly supportive in a caring and often very practical way. I am not allowed to drive because of the brain mets but every week someone has taken me to a meeting if I've been up to going.

No, I didn't want to be an alcoholic but also I would not want to be without the people I've had around me over the past year. I live alone but have never felt alone. 

There are many routes on this journey, try them all, take as many as you can and I hope one will stick. I hope one will bring you and all around you calm. 

Hi

Goodness you’ve been through a lot. Thank you for sharing your story. AA has been the backbone in the recovery in my family and I’ve seen how the help extends to the very practical too. It’s wonderful to hear that living alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely. 

xx

Thank you for sharing your story I think you have been very brave and wonderful you found a group that helps you.

i belong to a acc group and we meet every year in different countries and all come from Europe or the USA  we now greet each other as friends and stay in touch via email 

it is good to talk to people who are the same situation as yourself 

Hi Tvman, I admire your strength and integrity in your story. All of us here have been to some very dark places and had very dark thoughts. You are strong for addressing yours head on and openly. We are all here to support you in your journey, regardless of the routes it takes you, the highs and the lows. One thing I have learned from my Allays on Macmillan is I can be as honest and raw as I feel I need to be, no one has ever judged me, just supported me. Sending you much love. Xx

Hi Daloni

Trust me Daloni, it was a really big deal for me to call this one, to admit to people close to me that I was drinking too much. The quantity may seem small to you, but the quantity doesn't matter, it's the frequency that matters, could be only two beers a day but if someone can't go a day without those, they have a problem. What about gambling? Someone placing two bets every day has a problem too if they can't go without that. 

If one partner watched, or was aware of their other half drinking 3 bottles of wine plus a sprinkling of beer every 4 days then is that small beer? That's what I was taking. I never, believe me, cause any problem in the household. My son told my wife once that he thought I was drinking 40 units a week so when I heard that I started keeping it in the car, garage or round the side of the house. They're not aware that I would have 3 or 4 drinks starting at 9.00am until 12. Is that insignificant?

I'm glad I made a move, I have some literature given to me yesterday with tips to avoid drinking that is still in the car. Keeping myself busy is one way, but stuck in a wheelchair with shoulder muscle problems is not an easy way to keep busy.  

There's the garage, I could service my chainsaws, sharpen blades of scissors, lawnmower etc, but from late autumn to early spring it's so very cold, enough to cause anyone to be ill. Given the choice of sitting in a freezing garage or indoors, in a warm bed having a couple of beers, the choice is simple but I want to change that. 

So, if I make it seem like it has to be a really big deal, maybe it is to me. You've seen your experience from a darker side that many, many people observe. I too have seen that when my mum's secret drinking caused rows that ended with her being sent to a mental health hospital is the best way to describe it. Locally, one just needed to mention the name of it and people understood the seriousness of the mental health issue. Well, 3 or 4 months of that changed her completely and she never drank again. She was a much better, friendlier person that my kids loved to bits. They didn't know the other side. My grandson loves me to bits and I very rarely drink in front of him.

Sorry, I've rambled on a bit and I can't remember any time I disagreed with you Daloni but on this occasion I have taken a massive step here. Every time I say words like that always makes me smile inwardlyMany years ago my  brother. I tapped on that heart in error and I can't delete them!!! Many years ago my brother was reading a Tom Sharpe novel and he burst out laughing. Why? Because he was reading a passage in which someone was asked what steps they would take if confronted by a tiger and he replied, "B****y big ones!" That happened around 50 years ago and I still chuckle. 

Still love you Daloni, you have steadfastly battled everything put in front of you, what a fighter you are and I'm proud to know you.

Now I'll throw something else into the mix. My next area of appointment is that of mental health. I've been referred by my GP to dementia clinic. I don't think there's anything wrong, I am forgetful just. Seems to trouble my wife and son more than me. 

Life is a little adventure, eh?

Tvman xx

Hi tvman, it is a big deal and I am glad you have spoken up and sought help - that is the most difficult step to take, and to then announce it in a group like this. It is so easy to slip into drinking too much and letting it increase and deluding yourself as well as hiding it from others. Self medication in your circumstances is not suprising, and you are in a huge company of secret drinkers. Most alcoholics are "functional" and are working etc, but the myth of the down and out drinker is widespread. Most of us probably know someone who is in the category of functional alcoholic. Adrian Chiles did a good programme about "drinkers like me", where he realised that his drinking was out of order, but not at all unusual. It is ironic I think that alcohol, which does so much damage, is legal and socially acceptable, while cannabis is illegal. We live in a mad world.

Anyway, good on you and good luck with your journey.

x

Hi tvman

I think I may have expressed myself poorly. I don’t think I meant to say what I think you have taken me to mean. What I was trying to say was that you are brave to own this; that if you think your drinking is a problem then it’s a problem. I am so sorry if I left you feeling that I didn’t take you seriously or that I didn’t think your drinking is a problem. It’s not what I meant at all. I’m glad you mentioned it and I hope I’ve been able to set the record straight. 

Now to try to remember who’s the prime minister....

xx