Long time no post ...

Is it not jjust the worst to be both fatigued and agitated?! Am not currently on chemo. When I was that was the nearly continuous state and was honestly not sure I would survive with my sanity.

Now find myself in that state mostly when in pain and unable to sleep, or when cannot drag myself about and start imagining the end might be closer than I think and still so much to do before can feel all is sorted.

Being cross seems reasonable. Or a good cry and ,as my sister calls it, a good self-pity party.

When on chemo I threw clothing out of the washing basket all over the room saying words for which I'd have received a thrashing once upon a time from my father. Now am so fatigued I only imagine doing this.

Do hope you "get your mojo back". 

Aww thanks for replying, your reply made me smile, I guess we all have these moments and I should let it wash over me, getting het up is getting me nowhere but a good cry might also be on my agenda. Thank you again for replying.

Hi Bartki, I have just read your post and I'm sure we have all been there! You say you are working full time which is commendable but maybe you just need some "me" time so you can sleep if you are tired and that might also help with the anxiety! I don't know what the situation is like in your place of employment but surely if you even just did a self certificate to have three or four days off, they would cope without you! OR I'm sure if you spoke to your GP he/she would give you a medical certificate for a week or two off work, especially if you let him know exactly how you are feeling! Cancer can be very overwhelming especially with all the appointments etc it entails, so be good to yourself and take some "time out" if it is at all possible and I'm sure you will feel the benifit!

I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. Perhaps some time away from work may help you to sort out your feelings and provide some space to rest. If you can manage a few days away, a change of scenery may be more relaxing than staying at home. Sending you love.

Xx

Thanks for taking time out to talk to me, perhaps you are right, work is very busy, alot of added pressure but I just don’t like to put Team under more pressure, I had ro have 2 cysts and 2 wisdom teeth removed in May before I start bone infusion and I had 2 weeks off and feel like I can’t take more but perhaps I should. Thank you, you are really making me think.

Thanks for taking time out to talk to me, perhaps you are right, work is very busy, alot of added pressure but I just don’t like to put Team under more pressure, I had ro have 2 cysts and 2 wisdom teeth removed in May before I start bone infusion and I had 2 weeks off and feel like I can’t take more but perhaps I should. Thank you, you are really making me think.

You are totally allowed to feel this way! We are all here to support each other so if you want to scream, shout or cry we are all here for you x

Hi

I am sorry to hear you are feeling het up and anxious. It seems entirely reasonable given the circumstances. I think what others have said about taking some time out of work is very sensible and of course you do have rights as a person living with cancer. You can read up here 

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/organising/work-and-cancer

Just a thought but I’ve never heard of anyone on their deathbed saying “I wish I’d spent more time at work” and given your change in diagnosis, perhaps it’s time to think about working less? Of course there are financial implications to that and it might be that a call to the Macmillan helpline and a chat with one of the financial advisers will allow you to explore these in full. 

I have had to give up work and of course there is a lot of loss involved in that. Work was always very important to me and I defined myself in terms of work. Who even was I without my professional life? But there came a time I just couldn’t do it anymore and I made the choice to spend my limited energy on things and people that I enjoy. I have found a new way to live and feel all the better for it. 

Good luck with the mojo hunt. I think we have all been there 

xx

Hi ,

I'm sorry to hear that you are you are feeling so tired and worried.

Making decisions about work is very complicated as it involves our finances, friendships, self worth and is often something we really enjoy doing.  I continued working for a couple of years with reasonable adjustments before I made the decision that I was going to leave.

It was important to me that I was aware of my options and the implications so I researched what the choices were.  I talked to the MacMillan helpline both about the personal impact but also the financial implications, I discussed this with my family and my union rep and finally my pension providers.  I was in the lucky position that I was in a works pension scheme so was able to apply for early retirement on medical grounds and when taken with the benefits I could get I was no worse of financially.

I was however working full time and then coming home and usually falling asleep, having a meal and then going to bed early.  I was fulfilling all my employment responsibilities but unable to met my family commitments as well.  Applying for early retirement meant that I could spend the time with my family and doing the things that I wanted to prioritise.  It would have been a more difficult position if the finances had not worked out but have valued being able to be there for my family rather than for an employer who would very quickly replace me with someone else.  Personally I have not missed a minute of my previous job although I really enjoyed it.  I have retained contact with my ex colleagues, in fact I went out for a drink with five of them on Friday and met another two on Thursday, one for coffee and one for lunch.

It is a huge decision and one that is very personal to each individual and their circumstances.  I would recommend talking to the experts and having the opportunity to explain your situation, and discuss your concerns and your hopes.   Good luck with whatever you decide.

love and hugs,

Gragon xx

Hi Bartki, Thanks for your reply and you said I made you think! In actual fact that was my aim! Sometimes as the saying goes " you can't see the wood for the trees"! I do think that after a cancer diagnosis, or in your case, after having a previous diagnosis and getting through surgery, chemo etc  only to be told years later the cancer has spread must have been devastating! Your mind must have been on overdrive! I read your profile page but don't know your situation as far as partner/husband family etc Also you could be over fifty and ask for early retirement as Gragon did or you could be twenty! These are all the things you will need to consider when deciding about what to do next. I'm so pleased Daloni gave you the link to go to for advice, I do hope you use it and discuss your situation with a professional!     It could be that a week or two off work will be enough to give you some breathing space or you could consider part time or whatever!  I think it is commendable that you are thinking of your 'team' or colleagues at this time. Please ask yourself what advice you would give to a colleague who told you she was in a similar position! Would you be annoyed or resentful if they decided to take time off of work? I really don't think so! I wish you luck in making an informed decision about what you decide comes next, only you can decide!          Please keep us posted and let us know how you are getting on! I will add you to my prayer list, it certainly can't do any harm!