Feeling like a fraud

Dear Button16,

 I know how you feel. Last March I had multiple lymphomas (lymphomas  were blocking my ability to breathe and blood flow to my brain) and my husband was dying -at the same time I was given Chemo.

I truly thought I would die last year - and the loss of my husband within a month was just too much.

Fast Forward to now, I am in remission, regaining s strength and am now preparing to garden for the first time in a year and a half.  How long is the remission? maybe another 6-12 months or longer, as predicted by previous studies.  But now I am feeling well for the first time in a long time. I read about of all my fellow cancer suffers and I feel bad for feeling well.

But back you your feelings, I get it.  Try to be happy for now and enjoy the wellness that you have been given.  You are not a fraud, you have been lucky and given a gift of time.

Enjoy your life now, enjoy your family and friends and rejoice in the day, the moment.  I am working on doing that do myself.

I am so very happy that you are doing well .

((hugs))

Millie

Hi Button16

I know exactly how you feel. My cancer is slow growing and so will not kill me but an infection will and it could happen any day. Like you I have also now got my blue badge and pip payment because I needed oxygen when I left hospital. I have days where I hardly need the oxygen and I can walk short distance without it and plan on building that up. In my head I am much fitter than my body says but the guilt of feeling okay and as though I don't need these things is small compared to the guilt of what I put my family through caring for me.

I was told when I got the blue badge and pip that i ddserve them and that I will have good days where I wouldn't need them but I will have the bad days where it becomes important. Think about those bad days, in the hope they are few and far between, then you can remember why you have them and need them.

I know the pip payment is going to help us out financially until I can go back to work as SSP is not enough to live on.

Thank you.

Its nice to not feel so alone. My hubby says the same about needing these things when times vet bad but i do like living in the moment and day to day.

X

Hi Button

Good to see you around, for better reason than before though. I have said the same in the past here on the site about feeling like a fraud. When I was diagnosed in 2015, I was 56 and didn't think I would see my 60th birthday. I will be 61 in 10 days, on the 27th. 

My wife even redecorated our bedroom, for people coming to visit! Thankfully I haven't had to receive visitors there yet. 

When I was diagnosed, my blood count, especially my red and white cells were dropping slowly, and if they had continued in that way, I most certainly wouldn't be writing this. Then when they dropped into the danger zone, I was given a weekly injection of a mix of chemicals which I now inject myself, over 220 and counting. I know if it weren't for the injections, I wouldn't be around, I am also aware that at some point my illness will turn into an aggressive leukemia and the writing will be on the wall.

I was unfortunate that I also began to develop a severe back problem 3 months after my cancer diagnosis which is so painful that I now see life mostly from a wheelchair and then I have developed nerve problems in my elbows that is the reason this time that I have been woken with severe nerve pain and I'll expect to be wakened twice more before morning. 

So people comment if on the odd occasion that I am out and about that I am looking so well. I don't feel well though, both physically and mentally.

My saving grace when I have a constant darkness from the cancer and other illnesses is this site and the friendship and togetherness from new and old members. I wish I could do something to help people here when they are suffering so much from the effects of chemo. I feel so helpless that I can't do anything physically for them but I hope when I talk about my garden and the beauty of flowers and veg in others' gardens or talk about other common interests that people get a mental lift because I get a lift. 

I'll try to get back to sleep now and maybe I'll be lucky and wake up next time in daylight.

Take care everyone

Tvman 

TVman,

You absolutely give us a lift talking about your garden!  Gardening is especially wonderful in the spring and it gives me such joy.

Thanks for being such a great support for us. Hope we can do the same for you.

Warm Wishes to All,

Millie

Hi tvman

It's always lovely to see your posts.  I've been lurking and reading and as always getting inspiration from everyone here. 

A very happy early birthday to you.  I now love birthdays

For the 1st year I've decided not to grow any veg and I've done a flower boarder instead. You are a font of knowledge when it comes to gardening....any ideas on how I can stop my 2 year old from picking the petals lol.

Hope you got some sleep xx

Hi

I could have written your post myself. I’m in the same boat. Some days I’m up and about and those days I feel like a fraud. Then I have other days when I can’t raise myself from the sofa and I remember why I have the PIP and blue badge. I know those days will at some point outnumber the good days. Don’t beat yourself up. 

As for two year olds and petals - I’d suggest enjoying watching her. I have a strong memory of being very tiny and toddling round the garden with my very own wheelbarrow collecting tiny blue flowers I picked off the grape hyacinth. In such memories are future gardeners born. 

Xx

I know what you mean Button.  I've got PIP, but haven't yet applied for the blue badge as seems a bit wrong when I'm still playing sports and running around after the kids.  It just doesn't feel quite right.

I've not been having much luck since the start of my journey, seems to be super aggressive and becomes resistant quickly to whatever they throw at it.  I also try to make the most of every day, making memories as I just don't know how this is all going to go.    Staying positive but Could just do with a glimmer!

i was in a wheel chair initially so i needed the blue badge but now  I'm much more able so i trh to only use the badge when it makes life easy. 

I see you are HER2 as well. It is a pain and the longest ive lasted on treatment was 18mths but then it stopped and after a few misses I'm on another chemo (capecitabine ) which is working so hopefully theh will find something for you. Goodness knows how you cope with 2 children,,,i struggle with 1 lol.

i think its fair to say you are amazing x