Feeling the cold

Hi Maz

Far from being a wimp, you are doing the right thing by opening up and talking, better than bottling it all up and suffering.

Now the snow has gone, you can get the bulb planting done. Just before the snow, I managed to get a few shallots in one of my raised beds, and for someone who can't walk because of pain, I did well to arrange seating and kneeling in the cold soil. It hurt, a lot. Very, very sore and I could hardly walk into the house when I'd finished. 

However, I was proud. I used to manage 22 raised beds before my spine started playing silly beggars with my life.  Maz, do you like doing jigsaws? I read that there has been a rise in sales lately. I would do them, I quite enjoy the challenge but they have to be packed away when finished,  although I did a jigsaw of the streets of the city centre where I was born, Belfast, and I framed it so it now sits proudly on a wall in my house. 

What type of bulbs? There are some beautiful summer flowers from bulbs such as dahlias, alliums, gladioli and irises to name just a few. Whether they are in pots, planters, hanging baskets or in the ground, they create a wonderful colourful show.  I've just heard that the mercury is going to rise tomorrow and tomorrow night is going to be a sultry ten degrees in Northern Ireland. So a good time to prepare for green shoots, we'll see the daffodils growing another inch or two.

Whatever you decide Maz, enjoy it and don't forget, you're not a moan. Have a good warm weekend Maz.

Tvman xx

Thank you I think I will have to call you Mr Motivator 

I have been out and planted Snakes head fritillary,  danfordale Iris, Carolina iris, dogs tooth violets and some crocus. Not sure if anything will grow as probably wrong time to plant but just getting out there has made me feel better. Might be best not to tell me if I have just killed all my Kew Gardens bulbs sometime ignorance is bliss.

I have also just had the oncology Matron on the phone about my letter re my recent hospital nightmare. She was very nice and seemed to understand she said she was shocked to read it and did not try to alter anything I had said. She has asked to use it for training purposes and tried her best to assure me I would be well looked after on the ward if I needed admitting in the future. I just hope and pray I do not or at least for a long time when hopefully the memory fades.

Take care and I hope your plants do well this year. 

Hi Maz, Of course you are not a wimp, just human! It's so hard when you are tired etc to find motivation, especially when you are cold. Well you managed to find yours and plant some bulbs, good for you! The ground here in Scotland I is solid due to the ice and snow so I don't think I'd be very successful trying to put bulbs in at the moment! I find when its cold like this, my joints just ache!

TVman mentioned jigsaws, I love them! I use an iPad and there are many free jigsaw apps for you to download. They are also free for Tabs, laptops and the rest. There is also patience,word search, crosswords etc all free to download and as well as keeping you occupied, it also keeps your mind active! The beauty of it is if you get interrupted or want a break, it will save the jigsaw as it is, until you go back to it, so no packing away needed. It's worth having a look in the Apps Store and in the search box just type "free jigsaws" "free games" etc I'm sure once you get started you'll find it a great way of passing the time.

Hello! I planted more bulbs yesterday, being outside really cheers me up. I am in the final year of a history degree part time - there are lots of online courses that would keep you occupied. The Open University has many free short courses on all sorts of subjects. It can be difficult to keep focused, but it may be worth a try. 

Lots of love xx

Thanks for the ideas gang 

I never knew you could get on line jigsaws I will try that when I get back from bloods today. 

If I get decent scan results I might try the on line course or try some volunteering. 

I think I am just missing work again it's the meeting and helping people I miss the most. Although I am lucky they do keep it touch with me. 

I am terrible I have so much but I keep wanting more but that is what keeps us doing rather than sitting and waiting to die. 

It is good we have this group as others don't understand what it takes to keep going. Everyone says they can't believe I have cancer I look so well and of course we smile and thank them. Inside however we are battling with pain, side effects of treatment, infections and our bodies are a law unto themselves. But we are here and getting on with life most of the time and we have friends on this site to support and encourage us. 

Hi 

thanks for this chat - I really enjoyed reading it. Maz, you’ve managed to capture so much of how I feel. It’s uncanny. 

I think anything that keeps both hands and some of your brain busy is good. Jigsaws are ideal. The charity shops round here are full of them at very good prices. 

I do agree about demotivating impact of the cold. I’m in Kent and it’s warmer here than where some of you are but it’s so damp and grey that I can’t motivate myself to get out into the garden. The snowdrops are out and I spotted the first pink flush of the rhubarb today.

I find chemo makes my body temperature drop - my temperature often registers at 35 to 36 and one time I measured it at 34.5. I’ve spent a lot of this week on the sofa with crushing fatigue and the sitting still doesn’t help with the feeling cold. 

Right now I’m cuddled up in bed with my little one. So I’m warm as toast. It’s been a tough day with our visit to the hospice (I’ll post tomorrow in a new thread as it was also very interesting) and she needs her mum. I’m listening to her breathing slow as she falls asleep at last. 

Night all. Sleep well 

xx

Nite nite Daloni and crew

Alison xxx 

Hi Daloni

Haven't had much sleep before the elbow nerves have caused a lot of pain in both hands but mostly the left and that's the one I've chosen to have the next operation on, it's the more painful of the two. It's a strange sensation when I waken with what seems to be a big burning blob at the end of my arm, then I hold it out straight to unkink the nerve, sometimes I doze and my arm comes crashing down. The pain has mostly subsided now though. 

I've just read your post Daloni and you're going through hell, with your body temperature dropping and you must feel so cold. You wouldn't feel like going into the garden when it's so damp, grey and dreary. You'll be a week or two ahead of me in term of plants and crops starting to move because of the soil warming up sooner. I must venture up to the plot to see the rhubarb, see if it's starting to peek out. I forgot to look the other day when I was putting shallots in but to be truthful, I was in so much pain and discomfort I was concentrating more on getting the job done so I could sit still and let the pain drain away. 

I can't imagine when my bone marrow packs in and I am going through the chemo hell, how I'm going to move around. I'll draw on everyone's experience to help. Your post, Daloni, ends with a lovely warm loving insight of the love between you and the girls, especially the younger one. After reading it, your warmth has enveloped me and I am sure others feel the same. Thanks for that, Daloni, it's a great touch. You're probably asleep now, but I'll say goodnight anyway, and to anyone else awake, possibly Annette and Alison! I have 3% left in the battery so I shall close before I lose the whole post! 

Love to all

Tvman xx

Daloni I find you inspirational and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter's. My son came to visit last week and at 40 he is still worried about what lies ahead. My daughter is 38 and she is a rock not just for me but also my husband. It is her step dad but their bond is better than any she had with her father and this has made it stronger. Her little girl has Autism and we are trying to prepare her best we can but my daughter knows she will take it badly and be very angry that I have left her. She is already making a list of things she has to remember to move as her first actions will be to destroy everything that reminds her of me then cry and regret it. 

I too get very low temperatures I am often under 35 you have to be careful as I am more likely to have very low temps than a high one when I have an infection. Sometimes it is just like a vampire has sucked the blood out of you and you get colder and tired. Sometimes I wonder if that is how it will end and it is not too bad a thought although we all want time. 

To end on a happier note even feeling so cold and tired my bloods came back yesterday fine, I can continue my cycle. Also heard my scan results are back but they cannot tell me the results, it has to go to the oncologist first. Hopefully he will let me know next week and all will be on track. 

Hi Maz

thanks for your kind words. It seems we are always a mum no matter how old they get. It sounds like a tricky situation with your grand daughter. Have you thought about making a scrap book wit her - photos and momentoes and stories? I’m doing this with my girls. We are NOT calling it a memory book. Far too loaded and sad. It’s a scrapbook of our lives together.

I am so pleased to hear about your bloods. I hope your scan results hold no surprises

My hair is gone - I was leaving a trail in my wake so asked my neighbour to bring her clippers over. Hats and headscarves here I come! 

Xx