Effects of cancer treatment 20 years on

Annese,

I have no outrage or any kind of rage for you. I honestly feel bad that you are so angry with everything, I just don't agree with you belittling other people's offers of help. You are free to say that you did not find counselling helpful, in fact I put it in my post that you are free to share your experiences and advice, just do not flippantly discount others. As mentioned before, your experience is yours, our experience is ours, we share what we can in hope of helping, and it helps no one to demean someone else's experience. I have seen people get upset with your posts, and find your attitude abrasive, but that is not what I am doing. Your advice is yours to give, and give it if you want, but do not disregard my experience or my sharing, and I will not respond to yours, it really is as simple as that. 

Hi again everyone and thank you all so much for your words of advice....some of them i can try and some of them i cant.  I do realise that even though i am on antidepressants i am still depressed so i will go and see my gp to see what he suggest to help me.   One thing i must make clear is that my daughter ' could not' help  me during my cancer as she was working long full time hours, i hardly saw her because of this and after having a chat with her when i was better, she admitted to  me that she could not cope with seeing me so ill, she really thought i was going to die and she was having terrible panick attacks at work every day, she would go in to work nearly every day crying her eyes out because she could  not cope with me being so ill, and she didnt want to see me like this, so she kept away as it was too painful for her.  I also didn't want her to see me so ill and i prefered her to stay away also, but she did help when she could.   My hubby was working long hours, and doing everythign in the house, and he started getting chest pains and i was terrified he was having a heart attack with all the work he was doing,  but i guess i still felt bitter that when he did have time to sit and do nothing, he never once came and sat with me, i was so lonely in a house full of people!!! But maybe that was his way of coping.

Some of the advice given to me is sometimes impossible to do though, to  make myself get up and get one with it because we can't leave it all to hubby who has worked a 40 hr week or we can't leave our kids to live in a pig sty,  When my heart is bad i can't stand up,  for example tonight i can feel myself going down hill, i feel faint, dizzy and i have to sit down.  I have sat here and i can't keep my eyes open, no matter how much i fight it i can't keep them open. So i lay back in my armchair and i have this overwhelming need to sleep, its so powerful.....i get out my oxymeter and my oxygen levels are down to 91% so i know now why i'm feeling like this.  I can't move to save my life, i had a phone call from my daughter and i'm talking to her and i start to talk rubbish, its almost like hallucinating, shes talking to me about her friend and im answerign her about a holiday we had ten years ago?? It is honestly like i am not with it, next minute i'm asleep whilst still on the phone to her, she shouts at  me and i wake up and as soon as she's talking to me again i'm answering her about a film i want to see on tv? All the tiime i have my eyes shut and i can't move, i can only put this down to my low oxygen levels, if i do manage to stand up my heart can't cope and its racing at 130bpm, so i can honestly say that even though i don't really know whats going on, i cannot do anything at all when i'm feeling like this.

I must admit i have totally lost my confidence in all this, especially with the weight gain, and i do find what someone suggested about the eating anything, this must stop i know.   I also have an adult daughter who has severe special needs and i talk to her every day on the phone trying to help her with all her problems and also visit her every week and do her shopping for her, she has great difficulty with life and i help her as much as i can every day.  
I always seem to be looking after people, i have a caring nature like that, but no one looks after me!  I went to the shop today and was in a queue to pay, my feet went completely dead because of the nerve damage and i struggle to walk home again but i made myself, i was offered a lift but i forced myself to do this little bit of walking as i know it does me good....but it is such a huge struggle to do these every day things,  no matter what i do around the house, it hurts each time i do it. I can't bend down because of  my intestines pushing through my muscle wall, but i do bend down to do the hoovering, to clean the floor  etc and it hurts, and because i have done this my stomach will hurt for the rest of the day and night, i suffer for doing one simple thing.  I guess my problem is im sick of it all, im tired, im exhuasted and i'm struggling and no one is taking a blind bit of notice and on one wants to help.  I seriously feel that maybe i should move out into a small place of my own, because that way i can do things when 'I' want to do them, i can eat when 'I' want to eat, i will do my housework when  ' I' feel i can do it and not when it is expected of me.  I won't have people moaning at me and telling me i'm lazy, or getting angry because i havn't done what they wanted me to do at the time they wanted me to do it....i can relax and do it in my time.  I feel i'm full of anger and i know i am, because i want to scream and shout to them and say, have you any idea how bloody miserable it is to live like this every single day, the pain is awful....but im thankful i have my life so i carry on, but i DON'T need people telling me i should be ok now and over it, or to get on with my life, im in pain and unhappy xx

Hi Bea,

Have you contacted a Macmillan Nurse, or one of their helplines? You need help, and I agree, as a mother and a wife, and a person who is naturally a carer, you feel like you can't ask people who all ready have very busy lives or needs of their own. But maybe you could contact Macmillan to see about what help there may be for you? There are those of us who seem to react more extremely than others to the treatment, and when you were talking about having conversations with your daughter where she was talking about one thing and you were talking about another, it brought back so many memories! I used to carry on conversations with people, as though they were other people. Asking people who had no kids how their daughter was doing, that sort of thing, and when you realise what you did, it's so embarrassing, I think it must be something innate in us that doesn't like people seeing us weak and vulnerable, but people are much more understanding than we give them credit for. 

I was angry for about 8 years after I finished treatment, and every time a new health problem or complaint came up it would make it worse, and then I cracked. I took an overdose and ended up in hospital, but it got me to finally see a psychiatrist, and it helped me move on, of course it moved me on to the "WHY ME!?" stage, which was not  much fun, either. I think maybe if you speak ti Macmillan, it will make you feel like you are back in control, finding out what help is out there, and being able to decide what sort of help you want, they can even get you in touch with therapists, or different support groups as well, if that is a road you want to take. But YOU need to take the step, you need to ask for help, admitting you need help is sometimes a huge weight off your shoulder. 

Hi Honey Bea,

I really really relate to what you are saying.  I just have a couple of thoughts that I'd like to share with you in case they help.  These are things I've done for myself.

I eat out of anxiety.  I used to be a healthy size 12 (I don't weight myself) and now I'm a 16.  The problem for me now is that if I eat too much I get breathless so I've had to try and control myself.  I found out that the anti anxiety medication I was taking, venlafaxine, made my anxiety worse (and it increased my heart rate) so I've been off of that for the past couple of months having weaned off it slowly over a few months.  I also now meditate - a guided meditation using a technique called mindfulness.  It has also helped me and my partner helps me to stay on track with it because he notices an improvement in my calmness when I regularly do it.  I use a website called www.headspace.com.  The man there has a very peaceful yet "normal" voice and he is encouraging.

When my partner and friends are "helping" me with my coping with all the crap I feel, I tell them what I need from them.  I say something like, "it would really help me if you wouldn't say that", "instead, could you please say ........  "

I get tired doing housework so I have a friend come over once a week to do some of the more difficult chores like scrubbing the bathroom, floor scrubbing, etc.  She spends a couple of hours - I feel guilty - but I'm learning to accept help.  I can't do everything.

The pain in my neck and arms and in particular, my feet (I can't walk sometimes for the pain of it) are helped by weekly massage.  This is very expensive but I cannot do without it.  I pay for it privately because I see a specialist masseuse who understands the mechanics of what I'm going through.  We do a "trade" and I teach her daughter music as part exchange.

Lately, I have forced myself to get into better shape and some days it is very hard because my feet hurt so much but I go walking - not very fast - but it is hard work.  I feel that if I didn't do this I might as well give up living because I cannot just lie around and live with my pain.  I take paracetamol when I need it and an occasional diazepam before I go to bed so that I can sleep with the pain issues.

Beta blockers are helping me.  I know you take these too.

Counselling helped me tremendously but there were issues I needed to deal with on my own.  Mindfullness and meditation has worked for me.  There are some good books out there but Andy Puddicome's book is very approachable.

These are some of the things I do to cope.  I have had to give up a lot of my work but I can still teach several hours a week so I do have some spending money.  I don't need much these days though because I have a lot of hobbies like crotchet, music, jewellery making, cooking, gardening.  It helps me keep my mind off of how crappy I feel.

Bea, I really hope you find some peace.  We all know how you feel but you are in a scary place right now.  I wish I could give you big hugs and help you somehow.

Please PM me if you want to talk.

xxxx

Mindfulness is an age-old practice that's been shown to help us become more balanced, mentally alert, and fully present. Basically, it's about being in the moment instead of living in our heads. Meditation is the key to mindfulness. Mindfulness is about absorbing all that is happening now, and letting yourself BE in every moment. With meditation, you can retrain your brain so that it's easier to be mindful. The SOS Method (https://sosmethod.co/) is a meditation app designed to help facilitate that process and in an easy, enjoyable way that takes just a few minutes a day. It's free to download on the iTunes and Google Play stores, so it's a great way to get started with mindfulness.