I don't know who I am anymore

Hi, these sound like really difficult thoughts and feelings and it’s great that you have reached out. 

We are all changed from our experiences and there will be times everyone struggles with their new identity and the trauma of what they have been through. 

Do you have good support around you? 

Hi Mrs. Nesbitt4b89dd and welcome to this corner of the Community.

Many community members will be nodding their heads as they read your post.

The unwanted journey we end on can be ever so challenging….. be it during diagnosis, during treatment and post treatment.

I have been on my journey with 2 very rare types of Non Hodgkin’s Lymphomas, one being in curable for ivermectin 25 years now…..

I have had significant treatment (see my story below) but here I am, turning 70 next month.

At times, living the post cancer journey is like living in a parallel universe - you can see your old life but regardless what you do you can’t get back on that same path.

Following my many years of treatment and now 10+ years into my post treatment life, a situation I was unwillingly put into. It did actually make me review life and everything that we once thought important.

So some things from our old life are still in our lives but various aspects of our old life that were once seen as important were put in the bin and we don’t miss them.

As a family we approach things differently…. I gave up my teaching job at 55….. as the stress was not helping my cancer….. we had to make significant financial and lifestyle changes……. reflecting be we have no regrets.

Finding the way forward takes time…… and some help. There are a few great course out there so check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area, do also check for a local Maggie's Centre as these folks are amazing and their Where Now? Course was excellent.

Some things are outside your control.

Some things are within your control.

Spending a little time figuring out the difference can help you feel more in control.

You may find it helpful to make a cuppa and have a look at this great paper After Treatment Finishes - Then What? by Dr Peter Harvey as it highlights the post treatment milestones.

Once you have read the arrival do come back with your thoughts.

…….. was my 25+ years journey worth it?….. when I was first diagnosed in 1999 our daughters were 14 and 18……. but we went on to see our daughters graduate, get married, set up very successful businesses and provide us with 4 beautiful granddaughters….. yes it was worth it ((hugs))

Thank you for replying to me. I only have one support person left, my mom, who is 75 years old and is not going to be around forever. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety since I was 24. Even with a therapist, psychiatrist, and medication, it never really helped. Then cancer hit at age 47, fall 2019, no one on either side of the family had ever been diagnosed with breast cancer (or mental health issues). I was going through a divorce, from a marriage that I should have never entered into in the first place (I was one of those "but I can change him") and he had already found someone else. At the time, I had support from my 2 best friends of over 20 years, my son, 16, and my daughter, 15 and all my co-workers. 2020 was not a year I want to remember, single, no child support, going through all the wonderful experiences of killing the cancer in me without killing me. 2021, still had support, trying to live day to day with this deformity of a breast that was left. I had to tried to date a few guys, but I was rejected by every single one of them as soon as they heard the word cancer. 2022, In April of 2022, I attempted suicide and was admitted to the psychiatric ward. Months after discharge, I found alcohol, my ex had been an alcoholic but I had never been, I had drinks here and there but could take it or leave it. 2023, drinking increased slowly to soon I was drinking every day, hard liquor, and I could not make it a day without drinking. I was still working full time, so I had to be careful how much I drank so I could still do my job. My son could no longer take my drinking and being passed out all the time, he moved in with his best friend. My daughter had a boyfriend and he moved in and she no longer spoke to me. I loved being drunk, my mind would stop hating myself and better yet, the more I drank, I would eventually pass out and then I had no worries about anything. It got to a point where I blacked out and broke my ankle. To this day, I have no clue how I did it. People wanted me to stop, "Think about your kids, what you are doing to them? You are doing the same thing their father did. You need to stop for them." I didn't care, I had never felt such relief in my life, the demeaning, degrading, hatred, stupidity, cruel thoughts, guilt, shame, ugliness, disgustingness - it all disappeared from my mind when I drank. 2024, I hardly remember. I missed a ton of days at work and had used all my leave time so I filed for anything I could for assistance. January 1, 2025, I quit drinking, cold turkey, it was like, ok I'm done. No epiphany. By this time, I no longer had support from my adult kids or my co-workers. They stopped speaking to me, not knowing anything about what I was going through and I am not one of those people that post my life on Facebook. In May of 2025, my best friend and I got into an argument. I sent her a letter apologizing (even though I felt it was not my fault) and had no response. Both of my adult kids are very close with her, as she and I had now been friends for over 25 years. They took her side, that I had made my own bed and I could lie in it. I was no longer included in any activities, cook outs, dinners, weekend trips, nothing, it was as is I never existed. To this day, her and her husband no longer speak to me. Irony, I was sober, and this is the time they chose to dessert me. I received a letter from work, to return, or termination. I knew I could not work, I couldn't even pull myself off the couch. One last support person left, my mom. When I was drinking, she came to my house 3 times or more a week because she was so worried about me. It's a 45 minute trip one way to my house from hers. I applied for SSDI, denied twice, apparently wanting to die everyday of your life, letters from your Dr., psychiatrist, and therapist aren't good enough reasons not to work. It has taken a tool on me physically, I'm weak, dizzy, have shortness of breath, coughing, vomiting, I can't even stand long enough to take a shower, but those things don't count either for SSDI. If you have 2 arms and 2 legs and can walk, you can work. I was terminated 9/6/2025, I had been living off my savings but it is not going to last much longer, and to be honest, I have no idea what to do. Suicide looks better every day. I am now seeing a new Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist. I have been referred to a couple of tests, so far have returned negative results. Everything in my life is one big mistake over and over. There is not one thing I am proud of, not even my adult kids because of the hell their father put them through - and I knew better, I just didn't want to be alone, such a lame excuse. Then I put them through the same thing. I am alone now, my daughter and her boyfriend moved out. My mom comes down about once a week. My depression, anxiety, and physical problems have gotten so severe, I don't leave the house unless I have an appointment. I imagine, in my head, being in a deep well, I can no longer see the sun, and I keep just digging and digging to get farther away. People that have no clue what I have and am going through, do not understand it, at all. "Just join a group. Get out there! Go to church and pray. Think positive. Write in a journal. Think of the good things in your life, stop dwelling on the negative." I want to take their head and bash it against a desk.

I am so sorry to just dump all this on you, you didn't ask for it. But sometimes it is easier to speak to a complete stranger of your deepest torments than it is to someone you know. I know there is nothing you can do for me, but you read it and you listened. There is no magic wand you can wave, no advice, no suggestions, and you can not fix it. Sometimes all you can do is say "I am so sorry you are going through this" and sit in silence.

Hi Mrs. Nesbitt4b89dd, 

It's Megan here from Macmillan's Online Community team. We have sent you a support message which we hope you will find helpful. 

If you have any questions or need additonal help, please don't hesitate to email community@macmillan.org.uk. 

I’m new here but just wanted to say, “ What a great result!” 

Hi 88Kitty8846405c indeed a great result…… there is always hope until hope runs out ((hugs))

Hi Mrs.Nesbitt4b89dd,  I read your post last night it really touched me.  I haven't posted on a cancer forum before but your post I wanted to respond to.  I came here because I too am 5 years post-diagnosis, also for breast cancer.  Still here, but still struggling.  I deeply appreciated alot of what you've said.  'Deformity of a breast' yes can tick that one.  Coping mechanisms (that's what the drinking did, didn't it?) yes but I did it by isolating and overworking.  Well, I kind of WAS isolated - my diagnosis came 2 days after the first pandemic lockdown ended and treatment went on through the next year.  I have been single and lived alone since 19 years now, no family of my own. I come from a family that never talked about feelings (my father was a brewer so I grew up surrounded by alcohol and understand how it is to use drink to survive, very well) There is only my brother and 2 elderly aunts left and the relationships are pretty much down to xmas cards only.  My brother did get in touch when I got diagnosed but mainly to find out the exact details of my diagnosis to reassure himself if it was genetic or not.  It wasn't bout caring about me.  These days, I live with an ongoing 'underground stream' of thoughts that are there all the time but which I hear mostly either when I'm particularly down, (yes also got the generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis) (and have had CPTSD since 30 years) or awake at night or not seen anyone in days and its raining and grey out.  This underground stream is something like 'I can't go on like this, something has to change - either I am going to die, or I have to DO something about my life.  Move house. Change friends. Whatever. But I don't change it.  I can't find my way to change it.  What's more, I keep on having to go back to the NHS for biopsies and repeated skin surgeries on my face, and I never seem to get free of that.  In the midst of this in 2023 I badly broke an ankle and couldn't walk for 6 months.

I came on this forum after a chat with one of the Information nurses yesterday. at the weekend a person I used to know many years ago got in touch 'sorry to hear your ill' etc - its a person I broke contact with,how did she even know?  Turns out that the housemate of an actual friend told her. And the actual friend said "yes, its true, we all haven't got much to talk about anymore except eachother's health problems"  People just gossip behind your back.  I am self-employed, My addiction has always been work.  But new customers don't come to ill workers (or ones that people SAY are ill).  So I have struggled to make ends meet since I got well enough to work part time again.  Well.  Back to you:  you talk about people not understanding, not knowing what you are going through, not supporting you.  Well, I think I do.  I have my own little version of your story.  It really hurts doesn't it?  Feeling like this.  I know drinking oneself to oblivion isn't the best thing to do -nor is being a isolating, withdrawing workaholic.  But, what it has done is have you write your very honest, incredibly descriptive, touching post.  Which I have read, and now you have got me writing a post too.  Because I wanted to reach out and tell you, you are not alone in these feelings.  And I thank you for that.   And I trust that you will find your way out of the deep dark hole you describe,and find your way forward. One last thing I want to say, is about suicide.  My sister did that, in 1987.  While I respect that it was her choice, what to do with her life, I cannot neglect to say about the effect that choice has on others:  it is devastating.  My parents never got over it.  For myself, it is not a choice, for that reason.  It's good to look at it, of course, and life certainly can make it feel like that's the best option.  I also feel it takes a courage that I know I do not possess.  But it's really hard on those around you.  I hope that your tremendous courage, shown in writing such an honest post about yourself, can help you, find a life-full way forward.  I am spending alot of time googling holidays at the moment.  I don't find anything I want to do, I didn't fly since my treatment and I'm scared to, and paying for it is another story.  But the looking it expands my mind beyond these four walls I live in.  It's nice looking at sunsets.  All the very best to you.  And again, thank you.

Hello Im recovering from having chemo this year after a Non Hodgkin’s Lymphomas was found in February. I’m emotional and exhausted and want to return to normality but don’t have the energy or drive to. Unfortunately, I need to return to work as a teacher due to financial reasons. I am looking for any teachers who have been through OH and can support me in this. Any help would be gratefully received.

Hi Deirdrebfbcf3 …… it’s a challenging journey having treatment for Lymphoma and the post treatment journey has its own challenges.

For some context I was diagnosed way back in 1999 at 43 with a rare (8 in a million) incurable but treatable type of Cutaneous T-Cell NHL (a type of slow growing Low-grade non-Hodgkin lymphoma) ……. and I continued to work in a challenging University Teaching job on a full timetable for the first 12 years after my diagnosis…… my employer OH arranged to fit my non-contact time in with my various treatments….. I would often have treatment at 7am and be in front of my class later on in the day,

I eventually reached Stage 4a in late 2013 when a second, also rare (4 in a million) type of aggressive Peripheral T-Cell NHL (a type of fast growing High-grade non-Hodgkin lymphoma) was then presenting

This triggered 2 years of treatments….. 6 cycles of R-EPOCH that had me in hospital for 6 days/5 nights per cycle on my 2 IV pumps 24/7 for 120hrs…… so 750hrs in total…. I also had 45 Radiotherapy zaps and 2 Allograft (Donor) Stem Cell Transplants…… but I am 10 years out from my last treatment and getting on in living my hard fought new life to the full.

Yes the fatigue can initially be hard to navigate but as my great CNS would keep saying…… the less I did the longer my recovery would be.

You need to sit and talk with OH highlight g your ongoing challenges and set up a plan for a reduced hours return….. ensuring that there is a review as to how you are getting on and only increasing hours as and when you are able.

Thank you for your reply, your support has been really helpful. Best wishes to you.