I don't want to 'go back to normal'!

I'm so touched by all your replies, Mike, Lisa and Kareno62, and your advice and encouragement has given me much to think about.

I returned to work a few weeks ago having been off for 12 months. I'm lucky to be on a phased return and I'm not doing any 'real work' just yet. So before I commit myself to anything else, I need to see how I go with being back and working more to capacity, otherwise I'll start to do what I've done so often in the past and try and take on too much. I will think about the Community Champion idea. I think I need to get more experience of having an ileostomy again before I start supporting other people, though!

Mike, I find I'm really thinking about your rucksack analogy - it's an interesting way to think about all we've been through and how to deal with it. I'm so glad you got such good support even if it required travelling long distances and it's lovely that you're able to give back so much - for the friends you've lost, for the people you support now, as well as yourself. 

Karen, I hope your move is a good one. Being close to your grandchild  is such a fab thing for her as much as for you. I think grandparents' relationship with children can be so special and important. 

Lisa, I think you're dead right to focus on your degree work - it deserves all your energy! I think I need to take a leaf out of your book and try doing a few things well, rather than lots of things not well enough!

I'm feel very positive now thanks to your support - thank you again  

Hugs

Osboz X

Hi, Osboz, I can totally relate to your question, as I am beginning to think I am reinventing myself every few months when the next curve ball comes along. This path of trying to find our new selves is a puzzling one, but I have found good help, encouragement, sympathy and a kick up the bum on this site. Stay safe

I'd love to hear more about what you say about regularly reinventing yourself, Gemmary, if you're willing to share?

Thanks for replying. It's good to know you can relate to what I'm trying to describe!  Sometimes I'm not sure myself if I know what I'm trying to say!

Osboz

If you click on my name you will see my journey! Briefly my hip seized and I finally got a replacement, yipee I can live again with no pain. Then at 6 weeks both my knees got condemned, gutted. Then follows 2 knee ops. Yipee again I can get on with life..... Whoops no, get diagnosed with rectal cancer. 4 major ops in 2 years, not recommended. Then follows chemo, 30 weeks which wipes out the rest of that year. Right, give myself until Easter to recover, then get on with life.......oh no not that easy. Caught covid in the march. Boo hiss. No tests and not the recognized symptoms, mostly lack of breath. Until they start adding symptoms, and I go tick, tick. 

Need things to do on autopilot. So start sewing scrubs. Yey things improving. Nope, then get a relapse, and long covid sets in. Which is just beginning to lift. See  "Mary’s experience of Living with Cancer and coronavirus" as Macmillan made a blog of my experiences.

So at each setback I readjust, and eventually start to reinvent a new normal, and it gets very tiring!

My outlook on life has changed. From accepting that's it between diagnosis and operation (I didn't think I'd wake up after the operation, no idea why) and making peace with myself. It is still a struggle, and I really don't want another setback, but hey, I'll somehow cope if it does. Money and things don't really have any import any more, I have just enough. Difficult to describe really. I still sew for the group, as it turned into a charity to sew/knit etc things for hospitals, cancer groups, refuge, etc etc.. Don't do as much as I'd like at times, but I still work, one day in a high school, the rest for myself. This latter is a godsend as I can work when I'm able, and when the fatigue hits, stop.

So the rollercoaster keeps going up and down, and yes there have been more downs than ups, but the drift is up.

Hope that helps, as you say, difficult to describe!! Stay safe.

OMG, Gemmary, that's some rollercoaster! You sound so positive even after all these huge ups and downs, but I think I can understand the acceptance you've reached, the celebration of each hurdle crossed and the re-ordering of your priorities. I admire you for this. I hope a little more stability is yours now but that you continue on the up (a bit of a contradiction, but I'm sure you get what I mean!). Thanks for sharing your story - I learn such a lot from other people's experiences in so many ways.

How are you doing, Osboz?

Just thought I'd mention that I did the race for life on Sunday, and it has been a landmark in my journey. I slashed my time from last year from 1hr40 to just an hour! My breathing was adequate and physically I did ok. I am soo chuffed! The reason I'm telling you this, is that a sudden landmark can come out of the blue, and you realise you are on the right path. And it feels good!

Wow, Gemmary, well done! I love what you've done and feel so proud of yourself - as well you might! It's also given me food for thought, for which I thank you

It actually fits really well with what I've started to realise, which is that I don't have to figure all this out in a hurry - it'll come in its own time. Your recent achievement and comment about landmarks coming out of the blue confirms that. 

I realise that I was anxious that once i returned to work it would confirm what I didn't want, that I am 'back to normal', as though the last 18 months of my life didn't count for much beyond it being a bad experience. I recognise that I have already made some changes, in a good way, and that I won't stop thinking about what has happened to me and my body and making meaning of this just because I'm back at work and getting on with life much as it used to be. 

Making the experience of cancer diagnosis, surgery and recovery count for something is a process, not an event!

I look forward to finding opportunities (and/or letting them find me) that will help me on my way, just like you with your new race for life record (though I don't think mine will take the form of a run!)!

Thank you for sharing this and well done on that great achievement 

Osboz

Hi Osboz I do like this update,

I find it encouraging as to the steps you are making to navigate the steppingstones to move life forward, to discover the new and exciting places some of the stone can take you and yes, allow your cancer journey to be a catalyst for carving out the new future.

I actually find this discussion so uplifting and encouraging

Osboz, I agree with Thehighlander, that you are making good steps. And no I don't/can't run!!

Just keep your mind open, and I agree that this is a process not an event. I remembered that very early in my cancer journey a good friend gave me this card, and I thought you would like it.

As well as friends and family, this forum will help you, it has me.