Struggling with Festive Season

Hi,

Sorry for the delay in replying to your post and question.

You're not alone in feeling the way you do. My depression has sunk to black over Christmas and I really don't know what to do. I have mentioned before, that every ache, pain, itch, bump or anything else, I automatically think back to before. Sadly, I can't seem to get out of the mind frame.

I usually look forward to Christmas but this year for some reason, I have really struggled. I suppose everything has got on top of me; I was admitted into hospital with a bowel obstruction caused by scar tissue and now I am afraid to eat; my mum was then admitted into hospital for 6 weeks with heart and lung problems and is now on oxygen; benefits have been on my case; lymphedema in my leg has flared up; I don't sleep properly.

I use to be positive but I am frightened most of the time. 

I saw my GP a few months ago, who told me it is normal to feel this way but that doesn't help me. He referred me for in house counselling but there is a 6 month waiting list, so I should be seeing a counsellor in about February/March. Again not much help to me. 

I think people forget how ill we have been and what we have been through and expect us to go back to being that person. Sadly, for myself, that person has gone and it makes me cry.

Anyway, I hope you are feeling better and not down or depressed or at least it has lifted.

Thinking about you,

Hi Epictetus70,I'm sorry that you are struggling with the festive season.I am 3months post surgery for bladder cancer and finding things hard.I can relate to a lot of what you have written.Do you think perhaps we have both been through so much this year that it's all hitting home now the year is coming to a close? I'm usually pretty tough mentally but am feeling quite low and not sleeping that well.I do hope that next year will be much better for you.Sending love and best wishes.Jane XX

Hi Lisa

Thank you for your kind reply and sorry for taking so long to come back to you. 

I hope your depression has lifted too. It sounds like you have really been through the mill, both with your health concerns and those of your mother. I think it is difficult for others to take in what we have been through. When that happens with people who we are otherwise close to, or with people we are supposed to be close to, that can feel very isolating. That effect is heightened at a time of year that focuses on togetherness and good cheer. That heightened contrast really knocked me sideways as I just didn’t really see it coming.  People do seem to forget how ill we have been too.

I also think you are right about people expecting us to go back to the person we were before. I’ve found that alienating too. I too am feeling grief for the loss of the person I once was and I’m struggling to know how to move forward, as I’m trying to work out who the new me is and what he wants - and what he can and can’t do.

I hope you manage to see a counsellor as soon as possible, hopefully in February or sooner. Are there any survivor groups that you could join in your area? I was on a well-being course that also acted as a support group and I found it invaluable. 

Unfortunately there was also a disclosure by a family member over Christmas of childhood abuse, which is deeply upsetting and worrying, added to which my employment situation is very precarious and stressful and since returning from seeing my extended family, my partner and I have had several arguments. In a nutshell, my illness has led to an imbalance in the relationship. It feels a bit like the wheels are coming off every area of my life and I’m running out of people or places to turn to.

I really do hope that both your health and your mother’s health improves and that it becomes less difficult with time when you experience aches, pains, bumps etc. I also wish you both a happy new year, with improved health and happiness. 

Thinking about you too.

Hi Jane

Thank you for your kind reply and sorry for the delay in replying. I hope that things are progressing well for you health-wise following your surgery.

I think that you are right - the festive season is a time for reflection and looking back on the year, so when you’ve been through so much like we have, there is a lot to process. For some reason too, maybe because it’s a marker for the passing of each year, maybe because of thoughts of absent friends and relatives, the festive season does in some way bring up thoughts of mortality. 

I’m having problems sleeping too - I’ve suffered with insomnia most of my life but it’s often 5 or 6 a.m. before I can get to sleep. That’s got to be making it tough for us too, especially if it means that sleeping later in the day cuts down on the amount of daylight we get. 

I hope that this year is a happy one for you and that it brings you improved health and happiness.

Sending love and best wishes to you too xx 

Hi Epictectus70,Thank you very much for your reply.It sounds as if you have a lot to deal with at the moment.I do hate the way cancer affects relationships with others.My younger sister has been brilliant in supporting me but I am aware that I have caused her enormous extra stress.I hope that the issues with your partner and your work worries can be resolved.I find it so helpful to have the support of the Macmillan community,there always seems to be someone here with words of wisdom and comfort.Fingers crossed that 2020 is a much better year for us both in every way.Love and best wishes Jane XX