One year on

Dear Phebee

I’m so sorry to hear it is feeling hard for you now. I find cancer related anniversaries tough as well. It’s one reason I came back to the forum now and your post also resonated with me. 

Acknowledging what we have lost and allowing ourselves to feel sad about that is very important. It is a form of grief. Anger is part of that too.

My job is also vocational, but a tip I picked up a while ago is to think of myself as “someone who likes to do interesting things” rather than by my vocational job title and I find this frees me up to follow my curiosity and have faith in that direction, when I start to think about the stage when I will be giving up career.

I’m currently working two days, over three short days, as working two long days was just too tiring. On good days, I think “what am I worried about, as I’m doing ok” and on bad days I think “how can I possibly continue as I’m so tired, can’t keep up, finding it so hard to concentrate, who am I trying to kid that I’m coping, etc”. I’m learning to ride those peaks and troughs of fatigue and emotions by focusing on my self care and practicing self compassion. And as soon as I start using the word “should” in my thinking about where I am at, then that is a useful trigger to help me realise I now need to use kinder words instead. Post cancer, I’m aiming to get entirely rid of the word “should” when I’m judging/assessing myself, because it immediately helps to take the pressure off. I had 6 months off work this year and much of that I spent on actively rebuilding myself emotionally. I’m so glad I did.

Wishing you a happy new year and perhaps some exciting and rewarding times in 2020 as you start to take some steps towards developing your new interests (when you feel ready) ....or maybe you have begun to already...

Dear Sam, 

Thank you for your kind words and advice.

Knowing I am not alone in feeling like this, is a great relief.

Best wishes to you for 2020 

Phebee x

I’m also just over a year after surgery. I’m not the same person I was before. I am now waiting to be dismissed from my job after almost 40 years but it’s made me realise I’ve had enough and don’t want to go back. It will be hard financially but we will manage.

Maybe I will work again at something but I’m not in a hurry. I’m still not fully recovered and want to spend time on the things that interest me.

Its an adjustment for everyone that has been on this journey. My Dr said the first year is the worst... I just wish someone had said to me at the beginning that it would be like this. They only tell you about the treatment, not about the emotional effects.

So true Galanthophile re emotional effects

Sue 

Hi Galanthophile, 

You are quite right about only being told about the treatment it's self and not the emotional effects you will be left with. I tried to make sure I had all the information and knew what could happen with the side effects.

Still, it is a new year and a new day. Onwards.... 

Hello Pheebee,

Well done on the all clear. It is fantastic news.

 I was given the official all clear 3 years ago and the unofficial all clear nearly 5 years ago. I was put into early retirement (for health reasons) at the age of 50. I wish I am positive, like the people on this site, but I panic over every ache and pain, I look up everything on Dr. Google and panic even more. I also think of what Mike The Highlander told me, did we panic before? Which helps but I then go back into panic mode. I get on my own nerves.

When I was going through treatment and having a colostomy and an urostomy, I was great, I rarely gave it a thought. But for ages I panic, stress and worry.

 I can’t seem to get into my groove anymore and I don’t know how. I hold onto to the thought I was given the all clear.

Anyway, I hope you feel brighter and I haven’t been much use. I hope you get your groove back.

With much kindness,

Hi Lisa, 

Thank you for replying to my post. Just knowing that others are feeling the same is help enough. 

I am trying to find the positives at the moment, such as the fact I don't have to sit through hours of staff meetings and pointless insets on Monday! Definitely a big plus!

I guess the hardest part is admitting to still struggling after the treatment has finished, people expect you to be back to normal and we are not. 

I wish you a happy and healthy New year and all positive things 

Xx

Hi

Dont forget there's a group called "Life after cancer", which u might want to think about joining eventually.

Sue x

Hi everyone, my wife and I have been out and about this afternoon, I did see your post Lisa and so had time to mill it over.

As you know, I am over 4 years post treatments and for the past three winters I have been paranoid - read stressed, about catching infections as my treatments have left me with a much reduced immune system so catching 'things' can happen.

So the last 3 winters I have been 5 times back in hospital (31 days total) with Chest Infections, Lung Fungal Infections, the RSV Virus, Pneumonia x2, Septicaemia x2 and A Fib so some long days and nights on IV Antibiotics and in isolation........ not a fun time.

Coming into this winter I made a very clear commitment to myself and the family that I would not get paranoid and stressed about infections. This winter more than any, my wife, two daughters, two son in laws and four granddaughters.... and a number of friends have had multiple bacterial, fungal and viral infections and I have not been paranoid, stressed and am infection free.... result.

A few month back I talked with my Specialist Nurse about living in a 'stress bubble' and she suggested that living like this would make me more open to infections...... as stress reduces the functionality of the immune system and I think she was spot on.

I do have a life out-with the Community (I do) and work on a few project's along with a couple of psychologists in a none cancer environment so its was interesting to talk through my journey with them and it did make a difference although I did not have any real 'battles between my ears' but it was good to unpack all the stuff that had went on around us especially the times in ICU when living was 50/50.

I was sent this a few weeks back and thought it would be good to post it in this discussion.