Here's my story. We met and were married before people could believe, and we had the most amazing perfect existence together. Like everyone we had lots of ups and downs, but our foundations were so strong, the downs were small and short lived.
A few years back we found out she had a gene defect and needed preventative surgery (a radical hysterectomy). It was done via keyhole and her recovery was quick. And then things became even better… astonishingly so. We were like newly-weds. Utterly in love and devoted to each other.
Then a few months after there was a swift and dramatic change. I describe it to people that it was as if part of her had been switched off. Her personality became cold, as if her heart had turned to ice. They changed her HRT but nothing made any difference.
We coped best we could but there was clearly a huge problem. One night I searched “my wife is a robot” on Google because this is what I felt she’d become. I discovered something called Alexithymia which is a condition where you lose your emotions and empathy, or have trouble identifying with them. I managed to convince my wife to take an online test (I did it too) and she scored so poorly it was a shock to both of us. I felt we were making some progress as now we had something to focus on.
And then cancer struck and threw us down a different path. She had a huge 11 hour life changing operation and she survived which is obviously fantastic news. Her mood didn’t really change so much this time, but physically it was devastating for her.
And so we continue. Even worse than before.
To make matters worse, her public side is unchanged. We go out and we’re still the comedy double act, everyone still thinks we are the love birds we used to be. However put her in front of a doctor and within 20 seconds she’s in floods of tears. I’ve tried so many times to talk but she can’t do it, she can’t express how she feels. Her moods have become wildly simplistic, she’s angry, she’s calm or she’s euphoric – there is nothing inbetween. The complex and vibrant woman she used to be has gone. It feels like she’s been abducted by aliens and they’ve replaced her with a carbon copy, which is almost right, but not quite.
I know that this is her time and she is the main focus. She's been through an utter hell and my job is to care and protect her and I absolutely get that, but I spend every minute of everyday thinking ‘who the hell are you?’. It’s starting to affect my mental health. My voice never gets heard and nobody ever asks if I’m ok. I just slip from day to day in a lonely no man’s land wondering who stole my wife. Thanks for listening.
