Colleague's death

Hi Donna , I just had a look through your post and it did ring a few bells with me,

I was diagnosed with my Lymphoma in 1999 but only started my ‘full on’ treatment in late 2013. In 2014 two very good friends were both diagnosed with their type of cancers, we walked our journey together but they both died in 2016...... but I had survived and just following both their deaths I was told I was officially in remission........ I felt so guilty that they only lasted 2 years and I had survived 17 years and was clear...... I had survivors guilt - yes it’s a real thing.

I decided to try and unpack the rucksack of stuff that I had acquired over the years and went on the 7 week (one afternoon a week) Maggie’s Centre ‘where now?’ course, this helped me unpack my stuff and gave me a good foundation to move forward and at the same time deal with the ‘survivors guilt’

What I had initially forgotten was that the three of us had made an agreement that who ever was last to survive was to enjoy life to the full and not to see themselves as being the lucky one.

So my ‘tip’ and this is from a man!! is to talk with someone, a treated friend or even check out if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area or a Maggie’s Centre as this can help a lot.

Supportive ((hugs))

Hi 

thank you so much for your reply. It helped a lot just putting my feelings ‘out there. I thinking talking is a good idea. We do have Maggie’s so I will have a look. 

Thanks again 

Hi again, great that you have a Maggie’s Centre near you. They do run various support groups but you can also get time ‘one to one’ with one of the support worker.

All the best 

Hi Donna,

We haven't spoken on the site before and, in fact, I don’t often post on the site these days but I regularly check in to see how people are doing and happened upon your post, which really resonated with me.

I lost my only sister and best friend in the world to bowel cancer in 2016. She was very young and was diagnosed at stage four and, even though I haven’t been diagnosed myself, I live in a constant state of being highly aware that I’m lucky to be alive and the need to make the best of each and every day but this runs in parallel with a constant fear that this could happen to me too. Like you, I am deeply affected by the news of others affected by this disease and I can completely understand why you feel the way you do. I remember talking to one of the hospice nurses about this shortly after we lost Sophie and she told me that this is natural and that eventually, the fear subsides but I have to say that I find it hard to shift my mindset. 

I have followed the fortunes of many people whose journeys I have shared on this site, many of these with happy outcomes and a few where this wasn’t the case and everyday I consciously remind myself that I’ve so much to be thankful for and that there is no point living in fear of something that may never happen. I am tested regularly and, again know that I should feel grateful for this as I know that Sophie probably could’ve been saved if she’d had this opportunity but still I live in fear.

I suspect I’m rambling and I fully appreciate it’s far worse for you having previously been diagnosed yourself but I just wanted to tell you that I get it and I think it’s a natural response to a traumatic event. I wish I could tell you how to stop feeling like this or had some wise words to share with you but all I can say is that I’ve got through the past three years by taking one day at a time and forcing myself to try to live in the moment as much as possible, because, after all, the present is all that any of us can be sure of I guess. 

For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s bad of you at all to have these feelings and I can completely understand how you might. I admit that I once felt angry when I heard that a lady with a similar diagnosis who was being treated alongside Sophie, was still alive and doing well almost three years on. I remember feeling very ashamed about these thoughts and my wishing that Sophie had had these extra three years with her young children instead of her. Such a dreadful thing to think and this other lady was lovely and of course deserved to be doing well.  I think it’s just our brains trying to process the unprocessable! What I do know though is that I’m still putting one foot in front of the other and still finding some joys to be had in each day, even though life’s not the same, and look at you, almost five years clear! That’s amazing!

So, please try to be kinder to yourself and don’t give yourself a hard time about having these feelings.

I really hope that you don’t mind me replying to your message as I appreciate that my experience is different but I just wanted to say that I hear you and I absolutely get it and, sometimes, just knowing that can help I think.

Lucy x

Hi Lucy

thank you so much for taking the time to write such a personal reply. I am sorry to hear what you and your family have been through. Please know that your reply has helped me enormously and reassures me that how I feel is normal. 

Cancer really is the toughest thing anyone will face as the Macmillan advert says. And that is true regardless of whether it is you or a loved one facing it. 

It’s lovely that you come on here to help others. I’m afraid I don’t much anymore as I find it too upsetting.

I wish you all the best, good health and strength. 

Donna x