My family and marriage is crumbling. Really need advice x

Good morning  and so sorry to read through your post. A cancer journey does indeed bring so many challenges and some end up not being in areas of life that would have imagined.

My 20 year cancer was very different from your husbands and I have to say that my wife and I were very open during the whole time, talking, dealing with issues, dealing with emotions and basically trying to understand where we were at. But we were also open with family and friends and with this came the support we needed.

From the people I have meet who have been through Prostate Treatments, mood swings are normal and at times unexplainable.

From what you are saying you do need some professional advice and support for both of you to get through this. This may be difficult to talk about with your husband but may need to be raised. The post treatment journey can be as hard as the treatment its self.

This paper by Dr Peter Harvey - Life after Treatment will in some way highlight the journey your husband is on.

You may find our various Macmillan Support Line Services on 0808 808 00 00 to be very helpful even if all you just want to do is talk with friendly person that can help in lots of ways including being able to direct you to places where you can get help.

We also have our ‘Ask an Expert’ section so you could post some questions - but please allow a few days to get an reply.

Talking to people face to face can help a lot so check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support Groups in your area or a Maggie’s Centre as these folks are amazing.

I also see that you have posted in the Prostate Cancer Forum before, I think that you could post what you have put in this post on a new post on that Forum as these folks understand the challenges of this type of treatments. I would also try our Carers Forum and Friends and Family Forum to throw that net out far and wide.

I may not have been any help but keep looking for this to move in a positive way.

((hugs))

Hi Claudia71.  What a difficult time for all of you. Your husband of course, but also you and your boys. I am not an expert on prostate cancer and I am not the wife of a cancer survivor, but I have been through 4 years of treatement and recovery from Leukaemia and I am a wife and mother. Please take what I have to say with all of this in mind and keep what helps and ignore what doesn't. Thie cancer experience is different for everyone.

What I do know is this. Cancer impacts the whole family and often in ways and at times you don't anticipate. I was able to push away so much of my fear and wrap myself in the positivity I believed I needed for survival. After treatment (during which I got very good at living in the moment and the tiniest joys) however, the emotional rollercoaster began. Some mornings I don't know who I am waking up as. Some days I have wonderful energy and enthusiasm and others I just feel so anxious because my confidence in my physical and mental resilience has been so shaken, and others I am just tired and blah and wonder if I will ever really belly laugh again.

I know that,like the physical healing from cancer, the emotional healing takes time. A lot of time. A frustrating amount of time.

My husband also shut off the possibility of my death while I was going through 12+ months of treatment. And now I am no longer fighting for my life have seen him struggle with anger at our changed circumstances, sadness at what has been lost, frustration with my mood and energy swings. Perhaps you too have understandable pain and disappointment for the change in your life and those of your sons. It is a change. And all changes have emotional impact. So be kind to yourself if you don't always feel filled with hope and invincibility and joy. I will keep you in my thoughts. 

Hello Claudia,

I wasn't sure where to start but you have moved forward in that your husband is going to actually speak to someone outside the family.  He is only 47 which is no age to be getting prostate cancer.  Of course he is depressed, upset, angry and frustrated with life but his mistake is taking it out on you.  The trouble is that you are the nearest punchbag for his emotions so you are suffering far more than you need to.  I think I may have advised him (through you) previously to come on the forum himself and talk to us.  Bottling it all up and keeping it secret is the lsat thing he should be doing.  The fact he is going to speak to someone else is a really big step for him (and you) so be as supportive as you can even in these strained times.  Please remember that those on here writing their replies have been there and do know what it is like. 

I admit I am not always the easiest person to get on with and do not suffer fools gladly, am forthright in my views but the effects of the hormone therapy were devastating resulting in clinical depression.  This is not a place for anyone.  I could not believe how easy it would be to simply step off Beachy Head - something I thought about a lot - despite my usual fear of heights.  At this time I was in foul moods and although only married a few months just wanted to jack it all in.  I caused my wife a huge amount of grief and distress but when I was doing it, my attitude was one of couldn't-care-less which made it worse.  She was very patient and managed to get me to the consultant and the therapy was stopped early (at 2 years instead of 3).  Just knowing it was going to stop changed my mood a great deal and after the last injection the depression, mood swings, bad attitude and thoughtlessness just disappeared over the following weeks.

Your husband has been successfully treated it seems from your post and fingers crossed the PSA tests all remain below 0.2.  Yes of course there are issues to be dealt with like erectile dysfunction and incontinence (possibly) but with the right support these should diminish.  He may be feeling less of a man which is understandable but he is alive, he has the chance of a long healthy life and he has you and he has the family.  He probably doesn't know it, but he is a very lucky man especially if he is 'cured'.    He must stop thinking of the word cancer with its terminal implications and accept that he now has a chronic condition that he will live with and adapt to. 

Here's hoping for some positive news after he has taken these first steps to open up about his fears with the counselling.

Regards