I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you

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I lost my life partner of 10 years on December 14th 2021.
I'm still immensely ruptured. And still trying to make sense of it all. I just feel I wasn't able to protect him, this stays with me from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. Life is futile now, I feel I have less reason to go on by myself day by day. I plough on, the body is willing but my spirit is no longer alligned.
I do hope you understand what I am feeling. I feel so sorry that my partner did not get to live his life, we had gentle simple plans ahead of us, these are gone forever now. I am just hemorrhaging inside by his absence, and his loss. He was such a wonderful man. Selfless, kind, kept it simple. Courageous till the end. I miss him terribly.
I wish we had never gone to Hospital. I truely feel had I wrapped him out of sight and out of mind during the two Covid stranglehold on the NHS, he would certainly still be alive today. I live with this feeling deep in my gut every day. I feel I failed him. I miss him more than words will ever portray. Mistakes cost his life. Snap decisions. I wish I hadn't been so trusting...
  • Oh Peaceful, I wish I had the words to take away the emotional pain you are still feeling. Grieving is a journey in itself but this phase and these feelings and emotions will ease in time.

    I guess everyone has moments of "what if" and "if only" but all any of us can do is make the best decision at the time for the right reasons. We can't beat ourselves up about them afterwards. We do our best and that's all any of us can do.

    I'm sure your partner wouldn't want you to be feeling this way. I'm confident that they knew you loved them and would never fail them. You have to trust in that love.

    Have you spoken to anyone about how your are feeling? It might be worth a chat with your GP about some grief counselling. Please remember that we are here to help and support you too so please remember you can call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week 

    sending you a huge virtual hug, love and light.

    Love n hugs

    Wee Me xx

    Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm