The love of my life is gone......... but certainly will never be forgotten
FormerMember
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Ray, my best friend, soul mate life long partner, lover has gone. He had non-small cell lung cancer diagnosed in June 2008. What a dreadful day that was. We were absolutely devastated as you would understand. He fought so hard to beat this evil illness but nature had other ideas and he died on 1st March 2009. Myself and two of our three children (all grown up) were with him at the end. I wanted it to be just me and him but how can you deny your children that right? (How selfish of me to even contemplate such a thing). On that day I found myself thinking that I did not want to go on without him. It is now 16 weeks since he went and just as I thought I was coming to terms with things I find myself crying all the time (again). I know I will never forget him but I just want to be able to talk to him and hold him in my arms. He was in too much pain prior to his death for me to be able to do that so I feel that we were robbed of that long before he died. The feelings of guilt are tremendous even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty for. I say this to other people when they talk to me about their loved ones but it is so different when it is yourself going through it. "Do as I say not as I do" seems to be my motto these days. I am embarrassed to say that I oftyen find myself wishing that I was with him wherever he is now but then I think "don't be selfish, your family don't need to be put through more grief at this point". I have no desire to end things it is just an overwhelming urge to be with my dearest darling who I never really realised meant so much to me. There is a song with the words "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" and in my case that is so true. So Ray, if you can see this just know that I miss you more than you could ever know. I will love you always and forever and I am forever yours. Love Patricia x x
Well my darling, we got through the day. It was difficult as we all knew it would be but I didn't realise just how hard it would be. The 'boys' and J were very upset but tried to be brave for me. I was upset and tried to be brave for them. How silly we all are. We all miss you terribly and talk about you every day. We think about you constantly and hardly a conversation goes by that you are not mentioned or talked about.
Love you more than life itself.
Love always and forever your heartbroken and devastated wife x x x Patricia x x x
Dear Ray, I have been across to Stuart's hose this evening to help Kayo to finalise a few of the wedding arrangements. Things are just about sorted now so I am hoping that she can relax a little now. Kayo wanted some pictures of Stuart from varius stages in his life so I have been trawling my way throught he mound of photos that we took pover the years. That was very difficult as it dredged up all sorts of memories. It also made me aware of how many family members are now gone fgorm this life. In one photo there were four of you who had now gone. How very, very sad.
I miss you more and more each day and when I was driving home this evening I began thinking about all the concerts we used to go to. How you loved them.
Well my darling I will close now but just want yu to know that I love you more than you will ever know. Please wait for me.
Love always and forever your heartbroken and devastated wife x x x patricia x x x
My darling Ray, Just wnat to tell you that I fulfilled my promise to you and gave Stuart the fob watch on his wedding day. it was veryhard to do and very emotional and we both cried. But I promised you I would do it so I did. He wore it on the day and apparently the medalion attatched to it is from the masonic lodge. How about that! The wedding went well and you would have had a great time. My speech went down well. You would have been proud of me I am sure. Stuart is soooo happy it shine out of him. Richard performed his usher duties admirably and Jennifer di a reading at the service. I did the speech and I made the weding cake. Each flowe trhat went on it was put there with love from you and me. All the time I was decorating it I cpould feel you with me telling me not to overdo it.
We went to a memorial service yesterday where yoiu were being remembered. The remberance book was opened and you were first on the page and the only name for that date. You always liked to be special didn;t you.
I may not be back on for a while but will be thinking of yo each and every day. We are setting off tomorrow for the Japanese part of the wedding celebrations.
Love always and forever, your heartbroken and devastated wife x x x patricia x x x
Well Ray, I have been back a week now from the trip to Japan. I was so upset to be going there without you. After all, it was always your dream to go there not mine. Kayo's parents made us very welcome. The wedding reception was very interesting and held in a 5 star hotel. Way too posh for me lol.
The cherry blossom was in full bloom and the mountains by the hotel would have been an absolute dream for you when you were well. There would have been no stopping you once you saw them. You would have taken yourself off exploring.
I miss you so much and since I came home I cannot settle. It is soooo hard to be here without you. I feel so lost and so alone. I always knew that this was going to be a difficult time but was not sure how I was going to feel. I go through the motions of life and let everyone think I am fine when in truth I am a total train wreck inside.
I love you my darling and miss you more than you could ever imagine.
Love always and forever, your heartbroken and devastated wife x x x Patricia x x x
Ray, today has been miserable. I don't know why but I have been very restless and unable to settle to anything. Margaret came to visit and I tried my best to keep my feelings under wraps but once again I cried. Just when am I going to sort myself out? I am writing this through a mist of tears and just not able to control it. I guess the train wreck just became a major disaster. I miss you so much and don't know how to go on without you. I know that is ridiculous because I have no choice but I am finding it is getting harder instead of easier. I have to go to work tomorrow and I am dreading it because I am unsure whether I can keep my emotions in check. Oh well, time will tell.
Missing you more and more as time goes by.
Your devastated and extremely heartbroken wife x x x Patricia x x x
Well Ray, a lot has happened since May. The most important event is that your son (our son) is to become a daddy. He is so excited by it all. The baby is due around 31st December so Christmas/New Year will have a whole new excitement about it from now on. I feel so sad that you will not see this child although I feel certain that you already know it. If Stuart is half the father to his child that you were to yours then he will do fine.
Today is my second birthday since your passing. It has been very pleasant and the family have kept me well occupied. Whether by accident or design I am not sure but I have not spent much time alone over the past three days. I thought I had got away without any tears but here they come now. Oh dear.
I wanted to visit your special place today. I was going to come and sit with my lunch and a book but the weather turned and it was too wet. Oh well, I will try again another day.
I miss you soooo much and I am extremely sad that you are not here with me. I know I perhaps didn't always let you know how much you meant to me but I hope that you knew.
Wait for me my darling. Your heartbroken and devastated wife. x x x Patricia x x x
My darling Ray, on the 30th July I set off with Richard and Louise on an epic drive to Cornwall. We travelled down at the same time as Matt and Jennifer. We did an overnight journey as it cut down the travelling time. Stuart and Kayo met us there and we spent a lovely week each doing our own thing and meeting up at various points throughout the day. I took myself off on few jaunts which I dedicated to you as they were things you would have beern sure to do. Of course a holiday is not a holiday unless you have climbed 'cardiac hill' so I did that one especially for you.
I missed you so very much on that holiday because we always walked along the sea front on an evening, wherever we went. Life is soooo cruel my darling. Even now I am sitting here in absolute despair witht the tears streaming down my face. I miss you so much and just cannot envisage the years ahead without you. I am looking at your face smiling at me from your 'happy' photograph and I cannot begin to tell you how distraught I am. I thought by now I would have started to feel a bit better but it appears not. It is 17 months and 12 days since you departed from this life and I just feel so lonely and devastated by the whole process. I feel sure that people are fed up of me by now and so I try so desperately hard to keep my negative emotions hidden but not very successfully. Sleep is still very elusive and I am so desperately tired. I love you with all of my being and lookj forward to the day when we are reunited.
Love and angel hugs my darling x x Your heartbroken and devasted wife x x Patricia x x x
Well Ray, I have kept my promise to your mum and taken her to see Michael in Ireland. Unfortunately she had an accident whilst we were in Dublin and in spoiled the trip for her. She was in so much pain by the time we got to Michael's that we had to make her go to the hospital. She damaged the knee and now has to have follow up in the hospital here.
It is now 18 months and 20 days since you left us and we all miss you more than ever.
I am at the moment awaiting the results of my recent blood tests. I am a little worried though as the GP surgery rang me tpo make an appointment for me to see the doc about them.
I love you Ray and wish we were still together.
Love and angelhugs, your heartbroken and devastated wife x x x Patricia x x x
Well my darling, 36 years ago today we vowed to spend the rest of our lives together. It was a cold day and ot snowed briefly. (not like the snow we have today). We had our ups and downs just like anyone else but we had a happy marriage all in all. We were preparing to renew our wedding vows when you were taken, but I renewed mine to you while you were asleep. I will be yours always and forever. I miss you so much and feel so robbed of the years we should have still had together. There are so many things we wanted to do but will now never accomplish. This day is now so sad for me and I feel so deserted and alone. The family are lovely but it is just not the same as having your true love beside you to share the ups and downs of life. Pur first grandchild will soon be here and again I feel so sad that you will not experience the joy of holding him or her (or maybe you already did).
It is now 21 months since you were taken from me and it does not get any less painful. I get on with life because I have to and it would be terrible not to embrace the life I have. A bit like disrespecting the fact that the life you wanted was taken from you. I guess I have been left here for a purpose (not quite sure what that is yet) so I better make the most of it.
Well my darling, if you can see this just know that my love for you knows no bounds and I will love you always and forever.
Your heartbroken and completely and utterly devastated wife x x x Patricia x x x
