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Its hard for me to write something here to be honest.  Its almost (how i would feel is actually quite sad that I would even have to admit to this). 

Im (well i feel) older than what i am,but Im a 37 year old who over the last year has undergone chemoradiation treatment for stage 4 cancer (sqamous cell circoma), suffering (i really dont think people could ever imagine the pain that someone with cancer goes through (physically, but then mainly after you try recovering from all the effects of said treatments)mentally. 

Honestly being told i was going to die, having to get use to a cancer diagnosis, within weeks going into treatment during this time then having to have bowel operations and a stoma fitted, 14 days of 24 hour chnmotherapy and daily radiation treatment for 6 weeks because my tumour was taking up most of my pelvis (and being a gay man, who still wants to date or have fun) being almost isolated for years (years was (dealing with the pain and an undiagnosis, but be labelled as if my pain was a mental health issue and being put into psychiatric wards because of this; hasnt really done much for my menatl health, my physical health, my relationships with people in any way, and my level of trust i have in people is difficult. 

Having this heavy treatment, I had the all clear about a month ago, but actually i was prepared to die, and now have to live.  People pressuring me because they expect me to be grateful for a second chance? but i was ready to die, now i have to get use to the idea that i have to live and how do i live.  Im finacially broke after having to sell my house, i lost contact with friends beacuse of other issues but all related somewhat.  So what do i do?  How does someone go on living after this without holding a heavy burden on their shoulders, when people around you have absolutely no idea of what youve been through, think your a fraud or belive that you should just be grateful. 

Would love to do some networking with people, anyone out therre fancy a chat?

Best regards and look forward to hearing from someone.


  • Hi 

    I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling right now. I think that you're right that only people who have been through what you have can truly understand how you feel. 

    Looking back through your previous activity I can see that you're a member of the anal cancer group and I'm sure if you copy and paste your post there you'll find lots of people who will identify with the same, or similar, feelings. Clicking on the link I've created will take you to the group.

    There is also a life after cancer group which you could join and post in as well, although it's quieter than the anal cancer group.

    When you have a minute it would be really useful if could pop something about your journey so far into your profile as it helps others when answering or looking for someone with a similar diagnosis. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Edit Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.


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     "Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"

  • You've been through some tough times. I can really identify with what you said about being prepared to die - this time last year I had just been told I had stage 4 cancer and it was incurable, so I didn't expect to be still around and feeling physically not bad.

    Try to contact your old friends again. I found that some people are freaked out about cancer and keep a distance because they are scared and also don't want to see you looking ill and possibly dying.

    online groups help too as it makes you feel a bit less alone and the other people here have some empathy as they can identify with what you are going through.