The ever lasting sleep

Hi PaulMichael,

I must admit  I sometimes have a daydream about dying and going to ‘the other side’ where I could suddenly do all the things I’ve never been able to get the hang of, like riding a bike or ice skating!   Also, it would be great to see one’s friends and family again, although not the ones you didn’t like.   I wouldn’t want to do it for all eternity though.  Neither do I want to drift around like a disembodied spirit for ever.

My own feeling is that the ego, or feeling of self awareness, ceases to exist at death (Sometimes if I’m really focussed on a job my self-awareness disappears for a short time, which is quite a relief).so there’s no more ‘you’ to experience things but one’s life force/energy goes off and becomes someone or something else, be it a human, tree, animal, bird, whatever.  (I don’t mean like in reincarnation, where the same soul or entity is said to go on from life to life.)   Still, I could be completely wrong!

When I was last on the operating table there was just this feeling of ‘what will be, will be’, although for my family’s sake I did rather hope that I would survive the op.  Having had that feeling of relief I hope you weren’t upset when you did come round.  After all, you've then got all the palaver of gradual recovery and the pain/discomfort that goes with it.

Chocaholic28, your reply is so beautiful !!!

I still have times that I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up, but for the love of others I’m here until I inevitably do. My cancer has gone along with my ear and the love of my life. An innocent beautiful 9 year old, who has never experienced sadness, looks to me with absolute love, I can’t take that away from her at this time. 
I choose to believe there’s no afterlife and no after death consciousness, it’s our minds fight for survival that tries to calm us, maybe I’m wrong , no one really knows , the sadness I feel now is like purgatory but things are fluid and run in any direction. I hope you are well .

"Death is an illusion, life is a dream and we are the creator of our own imagination. The present moment is the only moment available to us and is the doorway to all moments" - by Thich Nhat Hanh

Hi PaulMichael, I can certainly understand why you made that earlier comment about peace and relief.   The closer you are to your partner, the more devastating it is when you lose them and they can never be replaced.  Having cancer as well has been an extra blow for you, and yet you have to stay strong for your daughter.   It must be difficult for her too with all that’s been going on in your lives.

I know I’ll feel the same as you if my husband dies.   We’ve been married 50 years and only have each other now that our parents are gone.   He’s recovering from a lung lobectomy with a couple of complications and will also quite possibly need chemo in the future.   The anxiety has kicked in and the only thing that helps me is to focus on the present:  sights, sounds, physical feelings, instead of dwelling on those worrying thoughts.  I’m trying to persuade him to try the same.

Best wishes.

Thank you.  I follow the Buddhist path (though I don’t push it) and are familiar with Thich Naht Hanh’s teachings.  I’ve found the meditation so helpful over the years.   I know certain religions consider Buddhists to be atheists so didn’t feel awkward about joining this group!   I suppose I would actually label myself as an agnostic as nobody really knows what happens after death.

Hi PaulMichael, the last few lines you wrote above I keep thinking about- that for you the "sadness is purgatory"  feelings are "fluid and run in any direction"

I can only imagine how it must feel losing your life partner then getting cancer (there's no info on your profile to know if that's what you're saying so I'm presuming) meanwhile you have a very young daughter who depends totally on you and you alone.  The weight of what you're carrying is huge.  Do you let go of it ever for a little while or is it carried continually?  The human capacity for shouldering heavy burdens is limitless until you break, what is it they say? -- 'no person is an island' 

Some emotions are heavy, sadness is heavy and some say sadness is love turned upside down. So the weight of the grief is the weight of the love, that can be love for a person that's died or a lifestyle that's changed dramatically.  I'm not going to tell you to get counselling as you sound like you're probably aware of all that but I will say that you perhaps can share with someone before you break. 

I'm a humanist at heart, love gardening, have nursed people at the end of their lives and the human mind, it's strength and courage knows no bounds and it's humbling.  For me I've no fear of dying or the journey to death but have sadness especially as a single parent for my one child who is only 22 and who struggles with life. 

I would say keep talking anywhere and to anyone you are comfortable with, that in itself is just sharing a little of your burden.  Xx

Hi Chocoholic28 I think focusing on the present and taking one day at a time is a good path to take for you right now. To just concentrate on the everyday stuff and getting through it is plenty to deal with xx