my beautiful mum has gone page 2

Hi Louise

You don’t have to apologise for not getting back, I felt better after putting it all down on here, well….. for a while anyway.  I was going out clothes shopping but couldn’t bring myself to do it, so started cleaning, but then I got worse!!!  I cleaned our glass cabinets out and half the ornaments in them are mums, and as I was cleaning them and putting each one back, I was remembering where everything came from and what it meant to Mum, so I got upset again didn’t I.  So after I'd done that I went into the bedroom and just sat on the bed where Mum used to sit looking at the blue tits in and out of their box.  Then I did a silly thing and got mums handbag out the wardrobe and started going through it again.  I've done it so many times, I don’t know why because theres hardly anything in it, a few pens, a hankie, couple of nail files and a carrier bag which she used to keep in there ??????  for ‘emergencies’ I suppose, you never know when you might need a carrier bag !!  Then I got her little slippers out (she only had size 4 feet), and I just sat and held them for ages, how stupid of me.  I was in the bedroom for over an hour, then hubby came home and could see I'd been crying again, I looked awful. So today I made the effort and went out and bought loads of new clothes, I only went for a couple of T shirts but ended up getting all sorts of stuff, so feel better for treating myself.

Anyway ENOUGH of me.  You little devil Louise, you’ve been out again clothes shopping, but its good to treat yourself isn't it, we deserve it don’t we.  Glad you got a pair of shoes, and I prefer flatties these days too, only have one pair of high heels which go with my suit (trousers too long), and theres loads of nice flip flop type shoes out now as well, I love em.  I know what you mean about shopping with Mum, I used to as well, its so strange without them isn't it.  my Mum used to make me laugh because whenever I bought something and she liked it too, she would buy one the same.  I used to say ‘oh Mum, we’ll look like a couple of bookends when we go out together’.  She would say ‘well I wont wear it when you wear yours will I’??  She was funny bless her.  M & S have some lovely things in now don’t they?  I was looking on their web site earlier. 

I think it’s a bit weird what your doctor said.  Can you get trapped nerves in the chest???  I've never heard of that before.  If you're not happy with him Louise, get another opinion from another doctor.  Its not nice when they have students with them is it.  you can ask them to leave if you want, but I know what it feels like, you just end up saying nothing don’t you.  I hope the medication helps you more if it is increased, if not, just keep going back, its his job to make you feel better so don’t worry about how many times you go.

No, there weren’t any interesting jobs in last weeks paper (phew !), but I'm still hoping to hear from one that I applied for before easter.  You sound very busy Louise, here there and everywhere.  Do your relatives live far from you?  You never know, you might get some dishy gas man turn up tomorrow, if you do, keep him talking.

Hi Karen

And thanks for your post.  How are you today? I hope you're feeling better.  Yes these special times are so difficult aren’t they.  Its my mums birthday next month too, May 23^rd.  Bless her, last year on her 77^th birthday I gave her a bath in the bath lift, it was the first and only time she got to use it.  when she was drying herself, I noticed she had purple spots on her legs so I phoned the hospital and they said to bring her down immediately.  They turned out to be just a rash, but when she went to get off the bed she nearly collapsed, so they kept her in and tried ANOTHER blood transfusion, which AGAIN didn’t work.  They kept her in for 4 days, so she was in hospital for her last ever birthday, it makes me so sad Karen, I've cried so much just lately, I have to snap out of it, its not nice for my husband all the while.  What date is your mums birthday on Karen?  Your Mum was so young wasn’t she, it just isn't fair.  It will also be the 13^th anniversary of my Dad passing on 31^st May, so its not a good month really.

Karen, don’t worry about crying in front of your neighbour, they will understand one day what its like, unfortunately for them.  We just can't help it can we?  One minute we feel ok then wham it just hits you again doesn’t it?  I've never felt anything like this in my life and I never want to feel like this again.  I know its such a selfish thing to say, but sometimes I worry in case my husband goes before me, I just couldn’t bear it, I hope I go first.  I know I shouldn’t think like this, but just lately I can't help it, I seem to be losing control and getting worse instead of better sometimes.  I don’t know what's wrong with me.

I wish you all the luck for the interview tomorrow, what time is it.  it’s a bit nerve racking isn't it?  I hope your hubby got on ok today and likes his new job.  That’s weird about your dream Karen, I don’t know what to think about your Mum marrying an old boyfriend.  Is the old boyfriend still with us or has he gone to the other side?  Maybe she's seen him there, or maybe she's just keeping an eye on him to see what hes up to now, I don’t know what to think.  Dreams are strange sometimes.  You’ve just reminded me about Colin Fry, I keep forgetting that we’re going in May.  We go on 27^th Sunday afternoon, it will be just after mums birthday and a month before her first anniversary on 28^th June, I really do hope Mum or Dad come through, but I'm not building my hopes up so I don’t get disappointed.  You’ve also reminded me about my mums plaque, it must be ready soon, I will have to phone them before we go away, it would be nice to get it next week if possible.  Did you take flowers yesterday Karen? The weather has been so lovely hasn’t it, I hope it lasts.  Marie must be having a good time with everyone, she picked a good week didn’t she? 

Hi Karen, thanks for your message. I'm not quite so down as I have been, maybe because I've been out and talking to people.  I think that’s half the trouble really, I just sit here all day and things just get to me.  It will do me good to get back to some sort of job.  I'm sorry you don’t feel any better, I really wish there was some way I could make things better for all of us.  Its daft really because every Wednesday and Saturday I always wish to win the lottery, but money is nothing is it.  I just wish I could go back and change everything for everyone and make things right again, far better than a lottery win.  I will be thinking of you on the 10^th May Karen, a very sad day for you.  Its so hard isn't it.

I'm going to phone about mums plaque tomorrow, I hope you hear about your mums stone very soon.  I'm sure it will be beautiful and your Mum will be very pleased with what you’ve done for her.  I know it must be hard for you Karen but your Mum and Dad would be so pleased with the photos you have on the stones, they will be really happy.  I've been talking to my Mum and dads photo a lot lately, silly really, but I just do.

You asked about my Dad and it being easier over the years.  Yes I do find it easier, but I still cry for him.  Its not like the feeling for Mum.  when I think of Mum I sometimes feel physically sick and I get a tight feeling across my chest, just like the day of the funeral.  I get a physical ache when I think of her.  but with Dad I just feel sad.  The years have made it easier.  People always say times a healer, but its not what you want to hear just months after losing the love of your life is it.  But I promise you Karen, it will get easier in time, it takes a long long time, but it does.  I miss my parents so much, and the strange thing is, I miss my Dad more so now mums gone than I did last year or the year before that.  Maybe its because they’ve both gone now, I don’t know.  Perhaps I'm not explaining it very well, sorry.  I can remember when Dad passed saying to Mum that in a way we were lucky.  She said to me LUCKY????  How do you work that one out.  But what I meant was, that we were lucky to have been with him when he went, and to be able to say all the things we wanted to say.  Some people say goodbye in the morning, and don’t see their loved ones alive again do they? (car accidents etc).  But I feel that I've been lucky with both my parents because I said all the things I needed to say and that’s a blessing I suppose.