my beautiful mum has gone page 2

FormerMember over 18 years ago

1810 replies
3 subscribers
741686 views

hi susan and amanda, been having problems posting on the other post so thought i would carry on here and see if it works!! how has your weekend been? susan do things feel a little easier for you this year or not really? i feel so sorry for you having all those people around you last year when i bet all you wanted to do was run didnt you? its awful with christmas coming isnt it i even go shopping online as to not have to go shopping with all the xmas things about. i feel so selfish and bitter at the moment and dont want to, i can hear my mum saying come on karen dont be like that but its hard isnt it. i feel so lonely tonight i just want to talk and have a cuddle and a kiss with my mum, sometimes it really hits even harder doesnt it? speak to you both soon, and hope you are bearing up. we all need each other dont we? my love and thoughts are with you love karen xxxxx

FormerMember over 18 years ago

Hi Louise and Susan,

Thanks for your messages, sorry i didnt get back, we had a late dinner and then just slobbed.

Yes I am still going to the interview Louise, but not bothered about it really. I will be back later to tell you the details (if any). Speak later, love jayne xxx

FormerMember over 18 years ago

Hi Louise

How are you? I hope you're having a better day. Its good to have you back here, we miss you when you're not around. As everyone keeps saying, you shouldn’t stay away because you're worried about how you feel and how you think its going to affect any of us. That’s why we’re all here, to help each other through these bad days. By staying away it just all bottles up inside and I think its far better to just let it out and share it, you know there’s always someone who will listen. What flowers did you take to your Mum and Dad on Saturday? It was bitter cold here, I hope it was better for you at the cemetery. So you have over 2 weeks off for easter, do you have any plans? I think you deserve a well earned rest, just take it easy. My hubby has the Friday and Monday off and he asked if I wanted to go to Lamport Hall, they usually have an antique fare on, but I told him I don’t think I could go because we always took Mum and it just wouldn’t be the same without her. I suppose at some point I will go, but I just know I will get upset when we get there, so not this easter I don’t think.

I had a little cry this morning, a lady called Lou who I've been talking to on the ‘My Dad’ site sent me a post. Her Mum lost her battle on Thursday and it got to me because over the last few weeks I felt that I'd got to know her. She sounded a very brave lady, but this awful disease has taken yet another precious Mum. I hope Lou will come here and talk if she needs to.

I hope you’ve had a good day Louise, just keep looking forward to your break and better days ahead. Take care, speak soon, love jayne xxx

Hi Susan

How are you? Thanks for your post. I don’t know what to say about the sponsoring a child, it’s a lovely idea to do that for someone. How does it work then? The only thing I've ever sponsored was a shire horse for my Dad!! Well it wasn’t so much sponsored as adopted really. But its hardly the same as a child is it. I would be interested to know all about it if you go ahead with it.

The interview !!!! well, what can I say really. It wasn’t quite as bad inside as out, although a bit dingy. I was there an hour and was shown around, so I think that’s always a good sign. It’s a small place, about 15 people in total. I would be the only woman there and the lady who interviewed me would be doing mornings. I think she does full time at the minute, but wants to cut her hours down. The job seems ok, quite easy and the money was more than I was expecting and would go up even more after 3 months, but money isn’t everything is it. She had seen a couple of people already and had 2 more to see. She will be letting people know next week, so will have to wait and see. I'm not sure if I would like it, I just don’t know what to think. I took my cv into another place today, think I would prefer it to the first one, but probably wont even get an interview. Well I’d better start preparing some dinner, I hope to get back later. Hope you’ve had a good day Susan, speak soon, take care, love jayne xxx

FormerMember over 18 years ago

Hi Jayne-- at least you know that you can do the job, so if you do get offered it you'll not have any worries.It's just wether or not you do want to accept.Is it a company that makes and sells something? Anything interesting?!!

i have had a rotten day today.I found some video footage of mum at the weekend whilst looking for something else that a friend wanted,and its really upset me.I sat and watched it,and it did make me cry-but i thought it was just a little upset that i would get over.Somehow, yesterday and today have been filled more than ever with sad thoughts,and i've been totally pre-occupied with mums loss,and i have to put that down to having watched the videos.One was of about ten years ago,when mum and dad came on holiday with us,and the other was just a few christmases back.I don't know why it has upset me as much as this-but it has.I just feel as if theres not much point to life anymore,and i'm plodding through the motions and not getting any enjoyment at all from life.Everything seems one big chore,and i really can't be bothered. I shall have to give myself a pep talk and snap out of how i'm feeling but this weekend has been absolutely the worst ive had since mum died.

We're going away with dad for a short break over easter so i should be looking forward to that,but i'm not.its just yet another reminder that mum is no longer with us. Sorry to be all fed up and gloomy-but this site is an excellent place for us to put down our feelings,and have them read by others who understand.I think it does help to do that because they're better out than in-and putting stuff down can help to shuffle things back into perspective again.

I dont know what to wish for you as far as this job goes.Its good to be happy at work,so going for a few other interviews may be very helpful-even if you do take this job,it doesn't mean that you can't still look for something else if you're not entirely happy.Anyway-i'd better go and wash up.we had an early dinner and everyone else is out practicing their football skills,so at least ive got a bit of time to myself!!! see you soon,love marie XXXXx

FormerMember over 18 years ago

Susan,Sharon,Karen,Louise and Amanda-- just wanted to say hi.Have put down how i'm feeling in my posting to Jayne-so i've not got a lot else to say,but just thought i'd let you guys know that i'm thinking of you all and hoping that you're doing ok.I'm in a bit of a downward spiral at the moment,but i guess that i will come out of it again--you lot all know how hard it can be,but we're all getting there slowly aren't we.We have to accept good and bad times and try not to let the bad take over too much.There's plenty in life to be thankful for,but its only human to sink in our own despair sometimes.Take care all of you,lots of love,marie XXXXX

FormerMember over 18 years ago

Hi Jayne & Susan

Thank you for your lovely caring messages again. I know we’re all here for each other but at the moment I’m the one doing all the “not coping” and I just hate coming here and sounding so weak. You are the only ones I talk to nowadays. On the good days I can see that things have improved over the last year and for my dear mum and dad’s sake, I must continue to move on. Wow, this journey can be so difficult though, can’t it? I only ask to be happy again but I suppose being on my own, my parents were such a big part of my life and it will just take as long as it takes and I’ll just have to accept that. (I thought I had-perhaps not!!!) The void they have left for us all is still enormous.

Well I’m glad the interview wasn’t too bad, Jayne. Now that you’ve had time to take it in, do you think you’ll take it if offered or do you fancy waiting to see what the other applications may bring? Of course there’s absolutely no harm in still looking even if you accept. Whatever you decide, Jayne, I’m sure it will all work out and be just fine.

I hope your day has gone well, Susan. Do you finish on Friday too? How long for? I wish we had a half term break like you. I find this term so long and tiring. ( Oh, I’m such a moan –and you want me here!!!)

I’ve nothing specific planned for the hols, just catching up really. I have friends to visit, the car to get serviced, CLOTHES shopping, oh and counselling and the doctor too. (he is on holiday for two weeks just now but the pains have subsided tonight so I’m not so worried again) I also want to go and see my auntie( Mum’s sister) who stays near Inverness. She wants me to stay for a few days but I’m not sure. Lucky Jonathan-he’ll love his ski-ing trip. My cousin stays in Austria and has two little girls who are fluent in both German and English. They are 2 & 3 and really quite funny because they just seem to know who’ll understand which language.

My sister in law went into hospital today and I’m still not being told very much. My brother phoned just now and said not to worry. She may have to have a hysterectomy but they’ll decide tomorrow! My nephew (step nephew actually- my brother was mad marrying someone who already had 3 kids) has Spondylitis and has to go York Hill Hospital in Glasgow for intense physiotherapy in a couple of weeks so I can see my holidays may also include a fair amount of babysitting-just what a teacher loves!

Better go and prepare for tomorrow. We had a Teddy Bears Picnic today. I’m going to try and put the photos on our web site tomorrow so you’ll be able to have a look-exciting eh??

Thank you for everything- and a big hug for keeping me going {{{{{}}}}}

Lots of love
Louise
xxx

PS Just been on the World Vision site and been looking at the little faces of children with same birthday as Mum's. I wonder what she'd say???

Marie- Sorry your day hasn’t been too great. You’ve done well looking at videos. I'm such a wimp, I can’t really face any of that yet. I have looked at photos and that is getting easier but they still just upset me and don’t make me happy the way they should.

You take care and I hope tomorrow’s better for you.
Louise
xxx

I hope everyone else is OK too. Karen, you haven't been here for a while either!

Sending you my love
Louise
xxx

FormerMember over 18 years ago

hi everyone

i hope your all ok.

it looks like everyone is having a hard time at the moment, i know how you all feel and my love goes out to you all, it is so very hard isnt it?

i dont want to keep moaning to you all as your all going through the same as i am, so i stay away while i feel like this, but i still dont feel any better at all, things just seem to be getting even worse if anything. i am moaning and arguing with my hubby and boys, if not i just walk round not saying a word, i feel like i am not coping at all now, i was a bit better a month or so ago i cant understand whats going on and why i have gone so far down hill the last few weeks, i though the longer time went on i would be feeling better.

still havent managed to get an appointment with doc, will keep trying though.

i have been reading all of your messages and i am thinking of you all all the time please dont think i am not.

speak very soon, take care, lots of love and hugs karen xxx

FormerMember over 18 years ago

Hi Marie, Thanks for asking, but sod the job, all of you on here are far more important than a job. Besides, even if I did get offered it, I'm not sure I would want it anyway, so I've put it to the back of my mind…… filed it, so to speak!!!

Anyway, now to you. I absolutely understand about the video thing. It breaks your heart doesn’t it. I did EXACTLY the same thing a few weeks ago. I was looking for something and found the video of my nieces wedding, so put it on, then sat and cried. My Mum looked so beautiful in it. I did have lots of smiles as well, but overall, the sadness took over, as it usually does. But WHY do we watch them Marie??? Especially when we know damn well its going to upset us?? I think we just have to do it to prove to ourselves that we really do still hurt so much. Perhaps we think that by watching them we will not feel as bad, but we still do don’t we, but we just have to see to make sure. But the only good thing Marie, is that at least we DO have videos of them, so they're there any time we want to look at them. Some people don’t even have that, they will have to rely on photos and memories. I remember watching a video of Mum when she went to Australia in 2004, she spent her 75^th birthday there. I watched it not long after she had passed and I didn’t cry once, I just sat and smiled and laughed at things. She actually sits and talks to me in it. I arranged for a bouquet of flowers for her birthday and she sits and thanks me for them. But it’s the first and only time I've been able to watch it since she left us. I'm not sure I could watch it again. I can also relate to you feeling worse now than you did before. When I first came on this site I must have seemed that I was always happy and laughing and joking, but that’s how I felt….. happy !!! and I don’t know why I felt like that. But as the weeks and months have gone on, I actually feel worse too. Your Mum hasn’t been gone long Marie and you’ve been like a bloody tower of strength to so many people on these sites, but now its all probably starting to hit you….. big time. The only thing I can think of is, it has to get worse before it gets better, I don’t know. I can also relate to what you say about there not being much point in life, that’s how I felt last week. I just couldn’t seem to see what the point was of even getting up. Why should I even bother. Afterall, what do I do when I get up??? Nothing!! Just sit and think about Mum, cry, do a bit of housework (come on here and talk to you!!), do another bit of housework. For Christ’s sake Marie, theres only so much housework we can do isnt there? So like you say, what's the point??? But then I come on here and there YOU are, along with everyone else that’s telling me things to make me see what the point is. We all have a point in life, we are all important people and mean something to someone, so therefore we do have to carry on for the people that love us, we owe them that much surely?? I feel like I'm talking complete and utter crap now, so I'd better go. I hope you feel better tomorrow Marie, I’ll be here if you want to have a good moan or just talk. See you soon Marie, and thanks for all your support. Take care, love jayne xxx

FormerMember over 18 years ago

Hi Louise

Good to see you and you really should come, I think the only one that thinks you're not coping is you, so much of this I think is being able to take a step and see how far you have come and of course you have. You're working fullt ime in a difficult and challenging job that requires a great deal of effort and concentration, but you're doing it and that is real progress. You do need to take a step back and appreciate how much you have achieved and please don't be so hard on yourself. You need to come here if only because we can remind you that you're doing very well, and hopefully move onto more of the good days. You're right the void is enormous and it cannot be filled so we just have to find other ways around that. I'm so pleased to hear that at least your chest pain is a little easier, if that because you feel perhaps better in yourself.

Thanks Louise yes I also finish Friday, just for a week although Jonathan as 2!! You'r right this is the longest term and everybody is tired so roll on the holidays!

I hope you can just enjoy the break from routine and that you enjoy catching up with friends and relatives and who knows even NEXT!! Jonathan is really looking forward to going and leaving us behind!!

I do hope you can soon find out all about your sister-in-law so you can stop worrying, especially about the babysitting - goodness your brother did take on a challenge!! Have they any children of their own?

I'll be sure to check the website later and see how you get on!! So any furter thoughts about world vision, I keepl ooking , funnily enough Susan keeps appearing!! wonder if someone is trying to tell me something. Now if it was Margaret (my mum's name) then I may just move it forward!

Hope your day goes well tomorrow Louise and you're nearly there!!

Lots of love

Susanxx

FormerMember over 18 years ago

Hi Karen

Good to see you but I'm sorry you're not feeling any better. It is very hard but you do need to come here Karen and share how you're feeling. Your experiences and thoughts are of so much value to everyone and as I said to Louise, no matter how you are feeling, we really want you here!!

I can identify with the sadness reflecting as moaning, sometimes I think my family think I'm constantly pre-menstrual!! Jonathan has told me in no uncertain terms that I cannot cry or be sad forever as Grandma would be cross!! He is right but ten that does'nt really make any difference to the way I feel.

No matter what you think Karen, there will be little slippages and they're to be expected but we need to look at the wider, broader picture and you're especially given all the extra challenges you've had to face! So any job news for your husband?

Hope you manage to get the appt you want with yoru GP this week. Do all the boys finish on Friday for their holidays?

Better go now, we've not had dinner yet as my husband is just in from work.

Look after yourself and keep your chin up!

Lots of love

Susan x

FormerMember over 18 years ago

HI Jayne and thanks,

Well quite a day, you have a lot of different irons in the fire, as one door closes so any one wil open and sooner of lter, you'll find just what you need. It'll be good to give it a try whatever it is, althiugh, of course, we'll miss you here!!

As for sponsoring a child, you pay a sum each month and that goes directly to the child, you get regulat reports on how the child is doing, they can write to you and you can follow their growth and development. I quite like the idea of doing that for mum and dad, a bit like having a plant but in real life. You have the opportunity to see how much a difference you can make-I'm not sure it's something my mum would have wnated and whether a better option is for me to just increase our monthly payment to Cancer Research. I'm sure I will make a decision but as yet, I'm still undecided!!

Hope the rest of the week goes well Jayne, actually how is your back??

See you soon, with love

Susan x

More from this forum

my beautiful mum has gone page 2