BOB JK My diary of kidney cancer (to be continued)

Hi Moomy and Mario

Sorry Mario I did get your message and thought I had replied.Another pitfall of this new site is that its not easy to track sent messages (not for me anyway) I have sent you a private message.Glad your weekend was peacefull and glad you managed to escape xfactor and those terrible twins. I did see the race and a great rsult indeed. As I have said in your message I would go for a Ford or Vauxhall so spares are readily available should they be needed.

Moomy, I am trying to do as im told but im not very good at it, although I have been really good today, I dare not be. Linda is just about talking to me (lol) and I am having to rest up. I was banging on about going to work tomorrow so she called my bluff by suggesting that I tried to work from home which I did, I felt bloody awfull after only a short time so work does seem to be out of the question for a bit. I tried to get a doctors appointment but gave up and will try again tomorrow if needed. I also really want to go to my friends funeral if im well enough and if I can get there. Linda cannot face going, which is fair enough, I can really understand that. It would be like a dress rehearsal for my funeral. I will have to see how things pan out. Its on Wednesday so I have a couple of days to improve health wise. Linda , who is out picking up the car from garage has suggested I ring London for advice so thats what im going to do, right now boss.

Again I cannot sleep so here  I sit watching extreme makeover once again.  We were in bed soon after ten and as I am wide awake I presume I do not need any more sleep.  I have just been on my farm and done all the harvesting, level 30 lol.  I spoke to my local doctor yesterday and he seems pretty confident that my problems lie with my middle ear and he has booked me an appointment to see him today. Apparently it could take a while to clear up and it probably feels worse because of my brain complications. I do think, on the whole, i am better but still feel pretty grotty when the dizzyness and tinitus kick in badly.  My colour at best looks dubious, I am rather light and greyish in colour so have definately looked better. The tinitus is the worse thing as it never goes away, only lessens at times. I am going to see if I can take a couple of weeks holiday as I am owed some time from work. I would still like to go tomy friends funeral tomorrow but will have to see how I am. It will be hard but I really feel I should go. My stepson, Justin, bless him has offered to take the afternoon off work and take me so getting there shouldnt be too much of a problem. oh well I need to give Mollie a gentle nudge as she is dreaming and kicking away at some imaginary something and is in danger of waking Linda up. If she does that then neither of our lives will be worth living.

Ive been to the doctors today and he gave me a real good check over. Blood pressure is good and no external sign of infection. He thinks my problems do lie with the inner ear  but also could be linked to the recent gamma surgery. He has prescribed some pills (yes, yet more of the bloody things) to hopefully inprove things and I wasted no time in popping the first one. If these do not work then it will be  another MRI scan to see whats going on.  Inflamation is likely to be the next area to look out which would have been caused by the radiation and the treatment for that would be steroids. One day at a time!!. After doing my earlier blog I went on chat and spoke for quite a while to some lovely people, one of who is going through quite a tough time, so if you do find me on here, good luck and keep those positive thoughts comming.

A really good nights sleep and I didnt get up until half past four ( a big improvement on half two). I  started  new tablets yesterday for fuzzy head and  do feel quite a bit better this morning. Its early days and im likely to feel worse again as the day goes on. I started week two, second cycle 2nd phase Of Sutent today along with my usual coctail of drugs. I have this funeral to go to this afternoon which I am not looking foreward to as its a cremation, which is what ill be having and its will seem like a dress rehersal for my funeral but I have to go.  Justin, bless him has taken the day off work to take me and come with me. He has only been to a cremation a long time ago, when he was young, so at least it will help prepare him for my own send off.  Linda and all my kids are  hurting like mad and I so want to try and protect them from what is happening to me but i know I cant. I had a lovely message from my daughter in law, Katie who was replying to me on her birthday yesterday. . She said her one birthday wish was for me to have just one day feeling well and free of pain. How lovely is that.

Hi Bob, I read your posts but don't often reply.  However, after reading your last post I felt compelled to let you know how inspirational your strength of character is.  You are amazing ! My dad is fighting his illness with similar courage and humour.  May you both have many more happy times with your families.

Elaine x

Thanks Elaine

Yesterday went ok and I did manage to go to the funeral. It was a bit tough but im so glad I went. We set of to Enfield at one and after being stuck in traffic for the last part of the journey, managed to miss the crem turning and we had to go around this rather long one way effort to find it again, anyway we got there with time to spare. It was a nice simple service and one which Pauline would have been proud of.  Her husband, kids and parents were especially pleased that I managed to get there and it was quite emotional as they entered the church and we saw each other. Im sure Justin also benefited from being their and , just perhaps, it will make things that little bit easier when its my turn. We even managed a drink and a quick bite to eat at the wake before returning home.  After a bit of a lazy evening we went to bed about ten but I awoke at two feeling really tired but unable to sleep, so again, I went downstairs and watched a bit of tv and even went online on chat for a bit. It was good to talk to Oldandgrey (charles) and swap humour with a few of the others. We ended up talking about spiders and I think we had everyone looking under their beds by the time we had finished. My plan today is to go in to work but only for a shortish time as I know my capabilities are limited. At the moment work does seem to be getting harder and harder and I do wonder how much longer I am able to carry on for.  Linda found yesterday rather difficult with me going to the funeral and I can really understand that. It brings home the mortallity of the illness. This morning I have been compiling some photos which Tom and Katie asked me to do a while ago but its only now I feel able to do it. The end result looks rather good and I hope they will be pleased with it. My big sis from America is talking about visiting in November along with Emily, her daughter who is the same age as Kate.  That will be really good and I am so looking foreward to it. Kate and Emily get on really well and im sure that will do Kate no end of good to have a bit of company her own age for a bit. Linda has gone to the gym, I thought about going and running a few miles on the treadmill with her (only kidding). As each day passes I do feel im getting a bit better again and really hope that it coninues to be the case.

Bob, I hope that you are feeling better too, have kept an eye on your thread even if sometimes I don't post, I do still read it each day! 

Glad you chatted to Charles, it must be horrid in the wee small hours and that's often the time he is awake, being down under! 

Love and hugs to you all

Thanks Helen, I am feeling better at least that was until i got to work,

I arrived about 09.30 to be hauled straight in to the managers office and told about lots of changes taking place at our branch, then he casually said about dropping my hours to one day as they were worried about me, what a load of ****ocks.  All they are interested in doing is getting rid of, what they see, is a noose around their neck to save money.  I have always made money for the company and put in lots of hard work, for what??  If only we could manage on one day a weeks money. what bloody world do they live in, but hey, thats buisiness I suppose, and after all im only a number. What a kick in the teeth.

Sorry and outraged to hear about your situation at work Bob.  They should hang their heads in shame.

Elaine x

Bob check out the disability discrimination rules I'm pretty sure they can't do this to you!

Glad you're feeling better though in yourself,  this sutent kicks in sometimes,I am having dizzy spells and bloodpressure problems at the mo. Hoping my next ct scan in next week or two shows positive results to make it all worth it!

Take care Jackie x