Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
Picked up your message of support to Mel about exercise and then read your biography of yourself, wife and two children. I found that through the writing was a great deal of humour which is a good coping strategy. I too am described as a waffler. I used to be a professional letter writer for a shoe company but my boss said my letters were too flowery, but thats just me. I didn't want to be a carer either, our lives were great then in June paul gets a brain tumour and the rest is history. Paul loves exercise, did 7 lengths at the pool on Friday but now shattered. We may go tomorrow but I am just a novice and in to support him in case he has a siezure. Worried about my dad at the moment as he has been a tower of strength, mum died of cancer back in 2001. He's been referred to the hospital urgently for an e.c.g. and heart scan/x-ray and awaits results midweek. Suspected leaking valves have been mentioned and a heart murmour. I have a heart murmour but live o.k. with it, without it I would not have survived intensive heart surgery at one year old. Some days I feel grateful for what I have had and sometimes I just want to go to sleep to sort my heat out, it won't stop thinking - analysis paralysis and as you so rightly say does it get us anywhere further?? I think we both know the anwer to this one. Am not a great fan of exercise, should do more as have two lovely dogs who love a run off lead in the country lanes or beach nearby. Have never had the feeling of endorphines so perhaps don't give enough to receive enough back?? All I know is that typing this has been most therapeutic and passed away some time. Hope that either you or some other kind soul may get back to me whenever they have a spare half hour as the clock ticks by. Keep up the good work everyone on this site and others similar - where else can we go? Kim
As you will now know, I don't use my wife's real name on Mac but if you take a look at your birth certificate, you'll find a three letter clue... Thanks for the feedback.
Dear MellyMoo,
I know my comment to you was a boring suggestion but please think about it. There are a lot of ways of carrying out exersice that do not involve the bordem of jogging. The fastest way of wearing yourself out is a thing called a cross trainer. It's low-impact (so you don't have your body pounding up and down) and it gives most of your body a run for its money. If you've never done it before, you'll only manage a few minutes but quite quickly you'll be able to do maybe 10 and then you can start ramping up the resistance. Please give it a try, you won't be disapointed but it might take a few sessions to get good enough to use enough energy to make you tired. I have managed to lower my cholesterol and my B/P to the point that I don't need medication (although I still monitor B/P daily just out of interest).
I know that you didn't ask me about this, but there are a lot of other bits and bobs to looking after yourself while looking after someone else (sorry if you know this already). For me, the biggest problem is loneliness and I'm fortunate enough to have found a small group of people (some touched by cancer, some not) and time spent with them is a key part of keeping on the straight and narrow. Also any time away from my family just sets my mind right about wanting to be with them; you need "MellyMoo" time too you know.
David x
PS: Actually, just thinking about it, all the folks that I'm friendly with have someone in their family that's got cancer or very similar. I don't know what this means but it's interesting... I'll have a think.
hello david again, thank you again for more suggestions they are gratefully received and i will give them some thought!! I hope your having a good day today and that everythings well at home? i find being lonely quite hard too, but after finding this site iv'e made so many new friends that i don't feel so bad and alone anymore! Darryl is still doing well and has only one lot of chemo left now to finish his 6 sessions. It will be nice when they have all finished and we can try to get back to normality for a while!!! hahaha if it can be called normality when you have a terminal illness! hope to hear from you soon take care keep smiling love and hugs mel xx
just to say it's 6.15am and still not sleeping!!!! thought i would just say hi incase you was about!!! how are you today? i hope you are well. Darryl has had a good last few days and seems to be getting better and better each day. i can't believe he has a terminal illness it doesn't seem possible sometimes. I read some of your posts on the 4am and wide awake club and sounds like you got a good bunch of pals on there!!! perhaps i could say a bit nutty sometimes without offending anyone!!!! hahaha Iv'e given up worrying about not sleeping and decided to just get up and do something instead or i just lie awake listening to darryl breathing! Well just wanted to say hello and hope you have a good day message me anytime i'm usually about somewhere hahaha love and hugs mel xxxx
Morning Mel, I surprised myself sleeping till six this morning, Thought something was wrong with the clocks. Then I see we have a white-out with frost, so probably the body decided to stay in the warm. Glad to hear Darryl is having an improvement in his condition. If he has some spare energy I have some DIY he can turn his hand to, that is if he runs out of something to do. Nice to hear a bit of good news to start the day. Have a specially good one Lots of love to you both Charles xxx
morning charles, so nice to hear from you again! I will send darryl over to you when he's finished here, i'm sure he'd enjoy that! hahaha it's frosty here today too so that means should be another nice sunny day today agin hopefully! hope you are well and keeping warm? i'm so pleased you slept well always makes you feel better doesn't it? I hope you have a lovely day today and do keep posting me as i like to hear how all my chikens are doing! hahaha thats the mother hen in me i think! you take care my friend love and big ((((((hug)))) mel xxx
hello my little chicken charles!, well i will give the list to darryl when he gets up and then arrange to fit you in!! hahaha i'm sure he'll be well chuffed to hear that and will keep him busy for a few weeks!!! i will willingly accept parsnips as payment as can make lots of stews to keep darryl going!! he said he likes to keep busy when he's well but iv'e a feeling he may regret that now!! hahaha if you think of anyhting else please feel free to say i'm sure he'd love any suggestions hahaha take care my friend love your mother hen mel xxx
The Maid has just said its not a shelf she wants fitting she wanted to know if she herself could be fitted in. I think these swedish girls are a bit too frisky.
