Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
not that bad thanks for asking I just tryin to get my flat ready to move in been stayin with sister from 6 april got flat 16july but still not got it done yet between work hospital and all the other stuff my arm still swollen lymphodema so a cant do all that I used to so have to do it bit at a time and when have the cash 2 bedroom done livingroom needed plasterd so a done 2 walls myself but had to get some1 in to do the other 2 and the celing .and then me and my nephew painted it so gettin there slowly but surly xxxx ha ha
Thanks for the kind words Paul. I sort of know what you mean shell. From the minuet my mother-in –law found out I had breast cancer she has never once asked me how I am. Even to this day. All she ever goes on about is her other daughter-in-law. Wouldn’t mind but there’s nothing bloody wrong with her. In some ways now that Jeff has gone I don’t have to put up with it.
Ill make this quick. The day I found out, i was at the hospital in the morning. I was stunned to say the least. I picked my sister-in-law up in the afternoon so we could go and see Jeff. Then I took her home, go in at 5.30 a quick cuppa and out to pick up his mom. By the time I got back to the hospital I was a bit tearful. As we got out the car his mom said to me “what you snivelling at you have nothing to worry about THAT’S MY SON lying in that bed” I was speechless. Told her I was going to the loo. I cried my eyes up. But it was at that point I decided to keep it to myself for as long as I could.
So I managed to have all the treatment only had radio every day for 6 weeks was so very very lucky. (Thank god for a cyst) so every morning I would go to the hospital. Come home then pick up his sister. Than take her home, than pick up his mom then take her home for 6 weeks I did that. Except for the first couple of day I was having treatment it made me really sick so was able to say I could go as I didn’t know if I had a bug or not, and no one came round to see me anyway. It was not until the 23rd of December that I told anyone. And that was the first Jeff knew about it. It was the day I was told they had got it all and I would have to have an operation. I was so glad Jeff was so angry for me keeping it to myself. But when I told him what had happened he was worse but he did agree to keep it to himself, like is said to him it’s over and done with now so why tell any one. Well Jeff was never one to keep anything to himself for very long. So in Feb. when he was told the aml was back. He went to tell him mom and told her about me at the same time. 2 days later I was picking her up so she could go and see Jeff. And all she talked about was my sister-in-law been ill. She had been sick did go to hospital. Turned out it was food poisoning. But at no point did she ask me if I was ok.
And I don’t care I haven’t seen or heard from her since Jeffs funeral. In fact the day off the funeral she came into our house and never spoke to me. So all I do now is think sod her in fact sod the dam lot of them.
Ok had me moan for the night.
Am off to bed in a moan, one of these nights I will say something to make people laugh not more unhappy.
hi my name is paul I have had melanoma for allmost three years now stage three lyphnodes remove has burst through told it hadent then it had .rollercoaster but my main worry is my family I watched my sister pass away the day after my birthday over 10 years ago to multple sc .she fought till the end and I no how I felt that day and dont want my family to go through that again .I was so scared I wanted to run and hide but I just wanted to be with lynn till the end .I dont want to be alone but I dont want them to gothrough it all again I am back at work light dutys have been from jan .as it helps me take my mind off it and I think it helps my family to think everythings ok .I am still the person I have always been but I look on everyday I am here as a bonus .thats a quote from a very nice man I net in hospital thank you .and it made a huge change for me and i try to be possitive but am great just now.I have been trying to get my life back together my wife couldnt handle it and I couldnt hide the fact her family had been more in need of help when going through this that I could not take anymore I had been asked to help her family whined up a fail buisness her brother abd brother in law had started and brother in law already owed her mother over 50,thousand pound over 4 years as he was supposed to be getting some claim although we all told her mum not to give them any more money she told us including her son and other 2 daughters to but out .and when she eventually new she would not get a penny we were all draughted in to help including me running them about till it eventually became clear they were at it and the buisness folded when her brother found out he wasnt even none at there joint bank I helped going to lawyers going to police going to the bank and acuntant to empty there workshop to sell off their stuff as they were totally wiped out .and to paint and decorate her mothers second home that was rented to her daughter so it could be sold to pay off the debts only to find my wife who knew that a lawyers office that they were told had closed was in fact still open and that her brother in law was lieing to her mother she still gave her mother 10 thousand off our saving wile I was in hospital .and all this when I was still going through radiotheraphy .I had done everthig I could even paid for a drivway that had been put down at her mothers second home by her sister and bro in law so they could go back to there home as the company who laid this had threatend them if they didnt pay ,I fell out with her brother who found another job and took me for a thank you pint but he was going on about paying all this money back and I just could not listen anymore and laughed I said why would you open a buisness with someone you knew owed you mother50 thousand pound and had been caught lieing even he himself had said he was at it with his mum and also told her not to give them any more .he went mad said I was blaming him on all that had happend . to this I said you have all your life to pay this 10 thousand back all I am woried about is if I will be here to look after my family(reiss ethan wife debs ) by it started a hugh rammy and the upshot was after christmass was over my wife told me she wanted me to leave and I have been effectively homeless since april 6 stay at my sisters have had flat from 16 july but been trying to go to work lawyers hospital doctors houseing council tax and still not got work done so I can move in not to mention I only get to see my kids now and again I sometime s I just think is it worth it I had five bags off clothes when I left and have had to start all over again but gettig there .my wife is now staying with a person I thought was a freind and the house that was bought and paid for is lying empty .you just dont no what will happen next if my illness was to come back now I dont know what I would do as I have been spending every penny on the flat and all my time including some off my family trying to get all the thing done in flat .I am so tired all the time so many appointment so many forms so many thing to do I have even missed appointments at hospital because off not getting mail from old house in time and there are so many I cant keep track now .Each day I have at least 10 thing wrote down that need done and it never goes down if anythig it get more because I am at work for 48 hour s a week working tax credit want money for backdated no adress to send them now council tax and rent utilitys to sort stat sick owe them money as they say they never got last sign off line car insurance needs renewed more becuse I had to change adress just paid car tax not even moved in yet tv licence letter through paid rent since 16july council tax want me to send in there form . I looking for a secretary with the patience of an angel the exsperience of a magician .can only see my welfare officer on a thursday but I work rotating shift days and night s 4 on 4 off different days each week cant even get hols when I need them from work as no cover . yes I just want to scream but I might not stop so best not to I do no it will get better but its taking forever he he suppose I cant complain it takes my mind off everything else good luck to you all out there keep your chin up and good health
sorry folks a still cant get the hang off this its a bit of a rant realy but it feels good to get it off my chest havent even told my mum dad family most of this .it hard seing I hid most off this from them for years xxxxxsoz again all be giving you all a sore head to
Paul sorry to intrude but none of all this will matter in 100 years time. A saying from an old boss of mine. It is good to get it off your chest and have a good old rant. I think a lot of cancer is aggravated by stress from unresolved problems in life and one of the best ways of relieving that stress is to talk about the problems. Problems are there to be solved. If they cannot be solved they are probably facts and if they are facts they can be worked around. My best wishes Charles
