Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
hey my chickie karen Thank you babe for being here. My chickie sue flat butty mophead madwoman was here earlier but think she may have gone now bless her. I have had such a lovely time with daz and to hear him laughing and joking was bliss but this last week has been hard. Does this mean all our good times are over now? Why has this happened so quickly? He went from being fine to going downhill so quickly it's scaring the crap out of me!!! I thought i was strong but i'm not sure now. We have been here twice before and somehow got through it but what if we can't this time? I'm so very sorry babe i wish i had good news for my chickies. I wish this crap disease was obliterated from the whole universe!!! I feel angry too but not sure why? Feel bad about that though. Sign of weakness maybe on my part. What is it they say? "don't get mad get even"? How ca you get even at this disease?
Love you loads sweet and always will. My chickie forever Peace out Love and hugs MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
of course your scared hun and worried about tomorrow, i will be keeping everything crossed that all ok, mel, youv'e been here before mate this could be anything couldnt it? a blip maybe....i really hope so, as you know with this ba....d disease its a bloody roller coaster aint it? one minute up the next down, i'm not saying dont worry cos i know you will, i wish there was something more i could say to help you. i wil be holding your hand tomorrow and standing right beside you ok babe
hey my chickie karen Thanks babe. I know we have been here before and got through it, but i also remember that i tried to stay positive before and then we found out that daz tumour had returned with a vengence! I keep thinking what if it's that again. Infact, i'm pretty certain it has regrown again. I know we won't know for certain till tomorrow but i can't stop thinking about it. You know when you just know these things, for some strange reason i know this. god i sound so awful and cruel don't i? But babe you should know me by now and i truely don't mean this how it is coming accross!! It's just so god damn hard for everyone i haven't a clue how anyone ever gets through this!
I'm gonna have to stay strong and upbeat for daz he needs me and i have to be strong for him i know that. God i love this man so very much why is this so cruel to everyone?
I love you sweet and will always be here for you. Thank you so much for all your kindness you really are my little shining star! Hope work has been going ok and that you haven't been too busy bless you? When i'm old you can come be my carer anytime! I'll book you in ok! lol Love and biggest hugs ever Your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
you are such a wonderful person/wife/mum, you love daz so very much and it must hurt like hell to see him like this, my heart goes out to you babe it really does, i'm not much help to you hun i wish i could say or do more for you. i know your so worried about tomorrow sweet, i wish i could be there with you, but i will be with you in your heart, and holding your hands from afar. is daz asleep at the moment? bless him hope he has a good nights rest. hope daz will feel bit better so he can go and watch the match bless him
i will book you in now to be your carer, poor you!!....lol i hope kirsty, daley and essie are all ok bless them.
always thinking about you all hun, love ya tons love and hugs, your chickie karen xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi melly I know exactly how ur feeling, it must something about tommorow me and my mum are trying very hard to prepare ourselve 4 tommorw, you see my lilttle sister cookie (her nickname) has been in the itu for 1 month and she had an MRI done to confirm or clearfiy Whats happening in her head and i know i shouldn't have done this but i read my sister notes 2day which confirms regrowth of lymphoma, so i guess this leaves us waiting 2 hear if chemo is going 2 b an option or not till 2morrow. i'm pretty sure none us will be sleep much 2nite. I hope your Daz's appointment goes as well as can be.
hey my chickie karen babe you help me more than you would ever know! Just being here is enough for me this disease is so lonely isn't it? Daz is dozing on the sofa at the mo. He's been doing that alot again recently. He has cancelled the footie game for wednesday as he said he really doesn't feel well enough. It's such a shame as he was really looking forward to going and that was one of his wishes he had.
Kirsty and Daley are okish i guess they are worried about their dad but they stay quiet alot of the time bless them Guess that's their way of coping with all this. It's hard for me so god knows how hard it must be for them. My heart breaks just thinking about it. I look forward to you being my care when i'm old and grey! lol Best book you in for next week then! My Essien has been adopted by a lvely family in Yorkshire. It was a hard decision but best for him as we really couldn't take him for the long walks he needed. His new home they own a farm and he goes for 10 mile walks every day!!! He has done so well i'm so very pleased for him as he deserved the best. I get regular emails and photo's of him from his new family and he's doing great. We had him adopted in August. Has it really been that long already?
Thank you for being here as usual. Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxx
yes this disease is very lonely isnt it hunni? its so very hard for you all, and its hard to say the things you want to your family isnt it? for fear of upsetting them, yes a very lonely place to be, but am always here or at the end of the phone if you ever want me ok babe??
am booking you in for next week ok hun? no bed baths though ok?.....lol
how lovely essie has gone to a wonderful family, it must have been such a hard decision for you to make, am so proud of you!! its lovely there sending you emails and piccies
hope you will manage some sleep tonight babe, even a little will make you feel better
hi my little chickie Mimi Babe i'm so very sorry your family are going through this. I hope you have some better news for your lil sis tomorrow bless you all. I have requested you as a friend incase you want to p/m me anytime ok? Hope that was ok? My heart goes out to you your lil sis and the rest of your family but stay strong sweet we are here holding your hand and satnding besides you for strenght and comfort. Please do let us know how tomorrow goes and i will be thinking of you. Take care sweetie Peace out Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
