Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
Hi Mel I'm so sorry to hear things have taken a bad turn for you. It's so scary when things start to happen like that. But I don't think there's a single person here who would be mad at you for taking time out to spend with Daz! If there is, they shouldn't be here anyway! Nothing for you to be ashamed about!! It's great that you managed to have so many good times when you could, like you've said, those memories you will have forever, and will keep you going in any dark times you might have in the future. I'm thinking of you, and I really hope you'll be ok Lots and lots of love, hugs and kisses Debbie x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
please dont apologise for spending time with Daz we all understand you have nothing to feel except love for everyone its your and Daz time and im sorry things have gone down in the last week i wish i could wave a wand and make it all better for you............... you have always been here to support others its now our time to support you and listen to you and love you like you have done for many of us for a long time now please dont feel ashamed MHM as we all know you are there we are holding your hand tightly hugging you gently and walking every step with you sending you lots of love and strengh for Thursday will be thinking of you we all love you very much MHM always remember that we are not going anywhere and will be here for you like you have been for us love you loads Love and Hugs Little twin sis chickie sue flat butty mophead madwomanxxxxxxxxxx
dear chickie debbie Thank you so much for your reply. It was so nice to hear from you. I rang the onco today and he is seeing Daz tomorrow at 2.15pm. He has to have a chest xray and blood test before the consultation too. He is still much the same today still very breathless and his face is puffy too, which is worrying me quite a lot. Thank you so much for your kind words they were really heartfelt and i really appreciate all the support at this time. I hope you are having a better day today and hope to hear from you again very soon Thank you again. Peace out. Love and hugs MHM xxxxxxxxxx
My dear chickie sue flat butty mophead mad woman!!!! So very nice to hear from you sweet i have missed you and all my chickies loads! Thank you for understanding why i haven't been around your really are so very nice. I still feel guilty though. Daz is much the same today still very breathless and his face has gone puffy too. I'm bit worried about that. I rang his onco today and he is seeing Daz tomorrow now at 2.15pm. He said for Daz to have a chest xray and blood test before the consultation tomorrow. So we will have to go about 12pm for the results of the blood test to be back in time. They usually take about an hour anf a half to get the results. I keep thinking maybe this is something else and not the cancer, as it has happened again so quickly but maybe this is just wishful thinking on my part eh? I really don't know anymore. I don't know what to think or what to say. Maybe if i don't say it out loud it won't be true? Does that sound crazy to you? Daz has fought so very bravely twice before but what if he can't fight anymore? He has told me on no account will he have any more chemo he hates how ill it makes him. Obviously i stand by whatever he decides, but i'm not sure how i feel about that. When i do think about it i then feel guilty for wanting him to have more chemo but that is selfish of me and i have no right to want that.Daz has the right to do whatever he wants with his own body guess i'm just a selfish woman for wanting him here forever!! I'm very ashamed for feeling that.
I hope you are having a better day today babe and that things are a little more copeable for you (really stupid thing to say i know) How are them lovely kids of yours? Hope they are all well and not being too demanding. I have always been holding your hand sweet and always will be. Thank you babe have to go get some shopping now but will try to get back later this eve. You take care babe Love you loads Peace out Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Please stop feeling guilty (im on my knees) you have nothing to feel guilty for everyone of your chickies and roosters understand, and each of us im sure does not want you to feel guilty for anything. You are the most unselfish person there is around i for one felt and still feel the same as you do which he could he here forever its not selfish its your love that you have for each other I will be thinking of you both tomorrow holding your hand sending you big hugs and walking with you as for me i kind of ok still stuggling but you know plodding along im going to be a nan in april 2 weeks after kev's 50th birthday but something to look forward, michael is now working with gordan ramsay and is really enjoying it he has even meet him the others are struggling at the moment. anyway i am thinking of you sending you lots of love and Hugs from your little chickie sue flat butty mophead madwoman xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
hey my chickie sue flat butty mophead madwoman! What a name eh? lol Still makes me smile that name does. It really suits you too my little chickie! Thanks again for your yet again lovely reply. You have been and still going through so much and still have time for me. Just goes to show what a wonderful lady you really are. Bet you ain't been called a lady in a long time eh? lol I'm glad things are okish for you and so proud of you for still plodding on sweet when i know you have been through hell and back. I just hope i'm as strong and brave as you when i need to be. Michael still working for Gorden Ramsey how cool is that! Is Gorden as moany in real life as on the TV? Or is that all a front eh? lol You're gonna be a Nan too wow bet that's exciting and will give you something to look forward to especially next April when it will be a sad time for all the family. I hope the other kids find some peace and comfort soon bless them it must be so hard for you all. My heart goes out to you all. I'm always here for you babes and will try not to be away for so long next time. I have always still held all your hands and thought of you still everyday. Take care babes hope to here from you again very soon Peace out Love and the biggest hugs ever love your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear MHM, You are a strong person and you will be a strong person when you need to be believe i know you will be thinking what is she going on about but you will and with the love and support of all your macfamily we will be there the name makes me smile still and im glad it makes you smile too, :) it will stick with me forever now! me a lady erm nope havent been called that for a while lots of different things but nothing like a lady lol (blushing im a ladeeeeeeee) thats not what the kids would say lol. as for Michael he is having a great time and no gordan isnt like he is on tv Michael said he was nice (maybe because it was his first day) he finds out in december what his baby is everyone already thinks it will be a boy will just have to wait and see my new generation of my family something my lot didnt have it will be interesting Did you have your teeth done in the end? i did stupid dentist man was meant to knock me out but he didnt it hurt like ..............lol i start my counselling on friday dreading it ..............but i know its got to be done its got to help me see things i know im rambling now i will be thinking of you tomorrow as always i will be holding your hand hugging you from afar love you loads shout scream at us thats what we are here for loads of love and hugs chickie sue flat butty mophead madwoman xxxxxxxx
hey all my chickies and anyone else reading this Just wanted to see if anyone was around for a chat? I'm feeling rather alone and worried about tomorrow with the onco appointment for Daz. Trying to think of what to ask the onco so any ideas would be gratefully received? I'm so alone at the moment and want so desperately to hear some good news for Daz tomorrow but i have this bad feeling that it's not gonna be what we want to hear. I hope you are all ok and i am about if any of you want a chat. I'm so very sorry for everything just hope i can get mmy chickies back to me and i haven't blown them away, though i will understand. Love you all so very much Peace out Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Love ya loads xxxxx
