I saw on social media 'cancer ghosting' and maybe this is me... I had already upset a family member again this time because I didn't ask them to do something with me and a mutual friend as at the time I was asked my loved one was in hospital having a major operation and I just kind of then didn't feel it was sensitive to mention it and then hoped I could go without mentioning it just because I didn't know how to and also the person concerned changes their mind ..it sounds ridiculous when I type it now , why didn't I just say ? I don't know to not hurt their feelings which I did explain , anyway the mutual friend said and my family member was not happy, to put it mildly. The person said some quite horrible things and I apologised although I don't feel I did anything wrong as such, I just cannot seem to win whatever I say or do is somehow not quite right, even saying I really don't know what to say or do has just left me in the same position. I am just one person with another family member being ill too and my partners family needing things too I feel under a big weight but expected to be perfect and supportive and say all the right things and I just seem to not be able too. I have a full time job and I can't just get time off to meet up at the times that are convenient for them and that seems to be an issue too as they have now retired through ill health.
I have been with this person and supporting them in the way they have said they want to be even though it has been hard when they say they don't want me to visit or go around but I have been listening but I have to tell someone who doesn't know me which is why I am here.
My family member are very, blunt open about what their diagnosis is and it isn't very hopeful. It is said in such literal terms and graphic details sometimes I just almost can't bear to listen, I know what the score is, I have read everything I can about it. but this person will keep saying each time they ring and each time they say I find myself then almost retreating away, I come off the phone and cry, I can't even take it in still although I know all the facts and it is almost one year since it happened initially.
I am a really strong person, I have cared or been caring in jobs and caring for my own family, pretty much my entire life and my mum passed from cancer many years ago so it isn't that I know nothing about illness or caring. If I listen and say to my loved one they change their mind and then I am wrong again , I know they are angry , they are younger than me and they must be frightened beyond belief I can feel that but I just want to say that I am not ghosting anyone I literally cannot bear to hear I am not going to be around for retirement, It might come back well it will come back those are the stats, and all the other really blunt and graphic details that my loved one tells me... does that make me a bad person? because that is how I feel today that I lack something I don't know to give and then when I give it it then gets twisted around and its wrong....It doesn't make it okay to take it out on other people either? Does this make any sense I thought writing it down might help?
Hi Angela
I am sorry to hear that your family member has cancer and that you are having such a tough time at the moment. I hope that it has helped to write things out. I know for me sometimes putting things down on paper can be cathartic.
Supporting someone through cancer is hard and it is really important to remember your own needs and health in all of this. The person does need support but this is not just down to you. They should have a cancer nurse specialist and support from her hospital team and GP etc.
It sounds like your family member is having a tough time going through this all and is trying to process it all and make sense of things by talking to you. Working through it, it is perhaps natural that they are up and down and unclear about how to handle things. I wonder if they would be able to talk to their CNS and be referred for some counselling through the hospital/or via GP.
Having a full time job and also having other family who need you, you should not feel guilty that you can not do it all yourself. It sounds to me that you have a very good understanding of what your family member is going through but if it is affecting you like this then you also need support yourself. If you notice that you are retreating from it and are becoming tearful and not coping then perhaps its time for you to yourself get some support from your own GP.
We do have the Support Line available and you are very welcome to give it a call and talk things through with someone neutral. Perhaps it would help to talk through what your own needs and feelings are and work out what you can do personally to support your family member whilst also looking at other sources of support for them. This might be that you need some breathing space for yourself and time to put some boundaries in place so you feel that you can cope with the support you are giving. If you are able to give your area to the support line they can also have a look to see if there is any support for you all in your local area. I wonder if there may be a Maggies centre near you. Maggie's | Everyone's home of cancer care
Please do not feel that you need to cope with this alone. We are here when you need us. It sounds like you have tried to do everything possible and that now it is naturally become hard to cope. I hope that your family member can get the support they need and that some of the pressure is shared to others.
Do give the Support Line a call- they are there to help and will understand.
Jane
