Hi everyone,
My 83-year old mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was caught early, thankfully, so she had a mastectomy and is about to begin radiotherapy. She didn't tell me and my brother (we're in our 40s) until the surgery was already scheduled, and that has sort of set the tone of my parents very much trying to handle the situation on their own, not availing themselves of the support systems in place.
On top of this, my mum had a hip replacement a couple of years ago and her mobility is poor (walks with a stick). She's struggling with personal care due to an extremely dated bathroom and inadequate over-the-bath shower facilities. She has fallen more than once getting in and out of the bath. At this point she's practically begging my dad to rip out the bath and install a walk-in shower but he's stubbornly resisting, saying that's something for the next owner of the house (it's a bungalow with one bathroom, so it would 100% be disruptive and staying with either me or my brother for the duration isn't really an option). It's starting to affect her emotionally, getting her down, because she's always been fiercely independent.
I want to create a united front with my brother to speak to dad about changing the bathroom to accommodate mum's needs, even smaller things like putting in hand rails. I guess I'm looking for advice about how to approach the conversation and what other practical measures could be taken to help mum. I'm aware her GP or clinic can make a referral to the council/social work for a care needs assessment and that outside, objective recommendations could convince them to take action, but I suspect my parents might be too proud to ask for/accept assistance. I don't think money is the concern and I would be happy to chip in, if needed.
Dad (at 86) has also taken on most of the housework, including caring for two house cats, and although he's fit and healthy for his age, I'm conscious he'll be having his own struggles dealing with that plus processing mum's diagnosis. My brother and I don't live nearby, he does shift work and I don't drive, so we can't pop round often to alleviate some of the burden.
As a family we never communicate about our feelings and avoid difficult conversations, so I'm anxious about a confrontation. My brother and I are planning to visit our parents this weekend to discuss what can be done to make things easier for both of them. I don't want my dad to feel like we're ganging up on him, but at the same time he's very set in his ways!
I am sorry your family are going through this. I do think it would be helpful to get a care needs assessment done. It’s dangerous to have your mum at risk of serious falls and injury and it may need an outside person to get this across to your dad. They might be able to install grab bars and the like.
I am more than a decade younger than your mum and am not happy climbing over a bath without any sort of hand rail to get me in and out. Shortly after I had had my second hip replaced, we had a holiday booked in a little cottage in Wales. I knew it only had a shower over a bath, so I bought a bath board to take with me. These sit over the bath and are stable so you can sit on the edge, bring your legs over and then either stand up or stay sitting down to shower. This might be an easy answer if no one can face the disruption of improvement works.
There are several companies that offer to take a bath out and put a pre fabricated shower in the space. These things usually come with fold down seats and grab rails. I have no experience of any of the, but their adverts say these things are usually fitted in a day with no need for re-tiling.
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I have metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer, in remission
