Literally do not know what to do, think or say??

Jk21 1 month ago

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Hi. Im totally new and totally lost right now

My husband (early 50s) got his cancer diagnosis yesterday! Im honestly still in shock. It feels like im watching someone else's life when I replay in my mind the conversation with the dr then cancer nurse.... I couldn't look at my husband as I felt so useless like i would burst into tears. I really thought this was a false alarm and he would be fine!!

Then that blur of so much information and the what ifs?? A pet scan to come to determine if its spread. So no treatment plan yet. So the fear and waiting....

Im trying to be strong for him but inside im crying. I wont cry infront of him as I know he is scared. I broke down with a friend earlier - then back to being ok infront of my husband. I dont know what im meant to say or do??

So angry - why him? Why our family? I know that sounds so selfish. I just feel like I dont know how to keep putting one foot infront of the other and keep moving right now!!??

My work have kindly given me a few days off to try to process & come to terms as best as i can for now. I have a job where I cant be sad or tearful infront of people. My husband is going into work today (i cannot understand why and feel he should say he needs a day to process as its not even 24 hours since diagnosis!!) All I want to do is be together and keep him with me! Irrational I know - but i feel we need time to talk and process.

I live with a disability and my husband is the fit, healthy reliable partner and parent!? He is never sick.....so his diagnosis has rocked our family to its core!! Im sorry if I sound a bit crazy and emotional but I cant sleep and my mind is going into over drive. One minute im feeling upbeat reading people's blogs etc - then im convinced he is going to die because of something else ive read or watched!!

Please can anyone offer any advice on how to get through this awful first few days/weeks after diagnosis? And how to cope with the waiting for further scans and then the wait for results (if spread) and treatment plan??

But most of all - please can someone tell me what im suposed to do or say right now to support my devastated/scared husband (who is trying to carry on as if yesterday didnt happen in my opinion??)

We have a gorgeous 2 month old baby grandson & we went for cuddles with him after the hospital. It was the distraction we needed. But as soon as we left (hours later) that feeling of gloom, dread and reality hit us both and we said as much to each other on the car journey home. This is the reality of our life now.

Thank you for taking the time to read this x

teaaddict 1 month ago

Hi! I’m not you or you’re partners age but i am the daughter of someone similar!

I thought i’d respond because no one has, and sometimes you just need soemthing to hold on to. When my dad first got told, he had literally been for a run that day, washed cars etc so we were all in shock, you’re so right to feel that way.

Similar with wanting to hold on to him and keep a close eye. I would say that it’s difficult to read stuff online because you’re going to see hope, but you can’t have hope without seeing the good, bad and the ugly, cause i’ve learnt frankly that’s what life is! the cost of love is grief and we wouldn’t change the love we have for our humans!

Id also say to you, i really struggled with that weight you’re on about, the distraction of your grandson, but after that the dust settles. I found myself needing to be around people who were not holding the same shock/ pain i was, and slowly tried to get used to my own company again, doing mindful things that make you happy. It sounds simple but you won’t be the same, so learning to be kind to that version of yourself is the best thing you can do for your partner.

My mum was in total zombie mode walking round the house, you’re right to let the feelings out, but i remember saying to her, if you let yourself practically go to the worse situation and grieve, the version you think your life was going to be, without this in it, you’re actually not going to make anything easier if the worst case does happen, you’re still going to be just as sad.

So feel it all, let yourself feel robbed and that the world is unfair, but make sure you let yourself feel the good of the world, because i’m sure you wouldn’t swap anything that led to you and you’re partner, or the fact you have, and can go visit your lovely grandson!!!

sorry if that is completely irrelevant- i just know what it’s like to be searching for the answer early on that no one quite has the words for

Jk21 1 month ago in reply to teaaddict

Thank you x You made me feel 'normal' about the way I was feeling. Its literally just passed the 24 hr mark since we got the news. I appreciate everything you said and im going to take it on board. I am so grateful for any advice and support, as i know I need to be strong for husband. Your words have helped a lot! The shock was the worst bit.

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Literally do not know what to do, think or say??