My mother was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer last week. She's in her sixties, still works, and I'm deeply worried about what lies ahead for her and how treatment will affect her.
My sister lives nearby and will be a tremendous help, but I live in another country, which has left me feeling incredibly helpless.
I'm doing my best to support them both from a distance. I've been researching things that might make life a little easier, like finding a house cleaner and looking into pillows and other items that could help during treatment. Even so, I can't shake the guilt of not being able to be there in person. The time difference makes it even harder to stay connected.
I am struggling to focus because I have no where to channel my energy.
I've saved all of my leave so I can visit once her chemotherapy begins. In the meantime, I'd love to hear from others who have been in a similar situation. If you've supported a loved one from afar, what were the most meaningful ways you were able to help?
Hi Pugmalion
I am sorry your mum has been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. It’s upsetting for family, but particularly when you live far away and can’t easily help. I have stage 4 breast cancer. My adult children are in the UK but not close by. To be totally frank about it, I wouldn’t have wanted them continually around me when I was going through treatment. It’s a time when you need to focus on yourself and not feel you also have to worry about other people. I wouldn’t have wanted them seeing the worst days and I wanted to have peace and quiet and freedom to lie in bed if I needed to. I particularly didn’t want to have to make up extra beds and clear up around people. I also didn’t want people trying to do things for me.
I am sure your mother will be delighted to see you but please check she really wants you there when she is just starting chemo. My chemo came in two halves, the first half involved an infusion every 3 weeks; the second every week. During the first half I was happy to have people visit during week 3 of each cycle. During the weekly treatment there were probably 2 days a week when I welcomed company. I think the most meaningful way you can help is to find out what she wants. She may not know until she has found out what the treatment is like.
I hope what I have said doesn’t come across as too blunt. I think sometimes it’s difficult to separate what you need from what your parent needs. Clearly you need to see her and need to be involved, but please make sure whatever you do is aimed at her needs.
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I have metastatic Triple Negative Breast Cancer, in remission
