Caring From a Distance - any meaningful ways I can help?

Hi Pugmalion 

I am sorry your mum has been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. It’s upsetting for family, but particularly when you live far away and can’t easily help. I have stage 4 breast cancer. My adult children are in the UK but not close by. To be totally frank about it, I wouldn’t have wanted them continually around me when I was going through treatment. It’s a time when you need to focus on yourself and not feel you also have to worry about other people. I wouldn’t have wanted them seeing the worst days and I wanted to have peace and quiet and freedom to lie in bed if I needed to. I particularly didn’t want to have to make up extra beds and clear up around people. I also didn’t want people trying to do things for me.

I am sure your mother will be delighted to see you but please check she really wants you there when she is just starting chemo. My chemo came in two halves, the first half involved an infusion every 3 weeks; the second every week. During the first half I was happy to have people visit during week 3 of each cycle. During the weekly treatment there were probably 2 days a week when I welcomed company. I think the most meaningful way you can help is to find out what she wants. She may not know until she has found out what the treatment is like.

I hope what I have said doesn’t come across as too blunt. I think sometimes it’s difficult to separate what you need from what your parent needs. Clearly you need to see her and need to be involved, but please make sure whatever you do is aimed at her needs. 

Thank you for your message. I hope you are getting the support you need, and appreciate your first-hand insights.

Hi,

My mum was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic lung cancer. And primary breast cancer at Xmas time. 

I live about a 4 hour drive each way away from my mum. 

I completely understand feeling helpless. It's not something that settles easily. 

Right now, the moat important thing I would suggest is asking what your mum wants. Hard as it might be this is her journey, and she will let you know what she needs.

Might be that you need to support your sister a bit too, as she is closer she might need time to vent, be open and honest. 

Make some time to go see her, maybe before the chemo, make plans, ask the things you want to, need to. 

What I've found helps, is a daily text chat, just as a check in but also about life still happening. 

Maybe something like that? Video call 2-3 times a week? 

I know for my mum she wouldn't want the whole world to stop because she is unwell. 

We've had the difficult conversation about wishes and needs/wants as my mum is palliative. 

Counselling for yourself- this has helped me massively. To have a safe place to ball my eyes out and talk about the deep painful emotions that would eat me up. 

But just keep talking to her. She'll know you're upset and worried, and will still want to be mum to her babies. Let her be mum and care/worry about you as she's done it her whole life. 

Hope you find a way that works 

I’m sorry you are are going through this. I also have some feelings of being powerless to help. My mum has had kidney cancer. I found out today that she is having a lung scan next week and not sure what after that.

I don’t live as far away but can’t drive and due to disability can’t give physical practical help. All I can do is try to support my father.