Hey everyone
Nearly 1 month ago, my partner was suddenly diagnosed with very aggressive AML. He is 21, and I'm 19. For the first 2 weeks, I stayed with him at the hospital and didn't spend a night at home. After finishing his first round of chemo, I decided that i really needed a night at home. He also supported this, as he was worried about my overall health. I wasn't sleeping or eating, and I was very stressed as I had to sort out everything (communication with friends/jobs/etc) for the both of us.
After I had gone home, slept, and woken up, I got a call from his mum (who was also staying at the hospital). Unfortunately, due to his low neutrophiles, he had become quite sick, and wasn't allowed any visitors for a few days. I was very upset and stressed by this, but I understood and just wanted him to be healthy and safe, so I didn't express this and planned to come back to see him shortly.
However, things only got worse. The side effects of chemo were increasing every day, and he was getting sicker and sicker. I haven't been able to see him in 2 weeks now. Due to his extreme fatigue, we hardly talk aswell. Every 5 days or so he will send me a text, but I don't get any other communication than this. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. We were living together and worked together, and so I am used to seeing him all the time.
Because of this, I have deteriorated to an extreme degree. I have restless nights, and don't sleep or eat for 2-3 days at a time, before sleeping for around 8 hours one night, and repeating this cycle. I'm experiencing heart palpitations, and I had a haemoraging in my eye from stress. I'm trying to stay productive, and I have set up a campaign for his cause so that I feel like I am helping, but it isn't helping me feel even a tiny bit better. I am trying to spend time with family and friends, but there is a deep sense of emptiness that I cannot shift, wherever I am. I know that it is normal to feel awful after an event like this happens, but I can't cope with it.
I don't know how i am meant to cope. I feel like I am doing everything correctly - I have a therapist, I'm talking to family and friends and trying to attend social events, I have been signed off from work to decrease my mental load. I'm trying to eat and sleep even when its difficult. However nothing seems to help. I don't want to do anything. I have no motivation to do things for myself, and when I force myself to, I don't enjoy them. I'm worried about my mental state, but I also feel incredibly selfish expressing this - I'm not the one with cancer.
I feel an added guilt when I recognise these feelings, because he helped me to become a healthier person. He helped me with drug addiction and self harm, and whenever I have urges regarding these things, I feel as if I am betraying him, making me an awful person. I'm worried that if he finds out about how badly I am coping, he will feel stress and guilt. I know he would, because that's just how his mind works.
He was always where I went when I needed support, because he made everything feel okay and reminded me that we were a team, and that it was us against everything. I'm really scared for him, but I'm also really scared for myself. I don't know what to do anymore.
Hi Slater
I’m Emma, a member of the team here at Macmillan’s Online Community.
I’m really sorry to read of what you are going through. It sounds like you are having a really difficult time and so I wanted to reach out with some support.
Firstly, please know our Macmillan Support Line is there if you ever want to talk things through with someone over the phone. Our Support Line teams are available 7 days a week, 8am-8pm on freephone 0808 808 00 00 for advice, emotional support or even just a listening ear.
Secondly, supporting a loved one with cancer can be isolating and there is no right or wrong way to deal with your partner's cancer experience. I would recommend joining the Carer's Only Forum - there you will be able to ask questions to those in similar positions to yourself and it can be a great place to get tips and emotional support from other people whose partners are living with cancer. Additionally, our booklet Cancer and Relationships discusses relationships in more detail which may be helpful at this time.
It is positive to read you have come a long way regarding your mental health and are in therapy. However, it sounds like you are still having a really difficult time with your mental health, especially mentioning having urges surrounding self harm. You deserve to have support through these feelings so I’d encourage you to talk to your GP about how you are feeling. They are there to help you with your mental health alongside his cancer. In the UK you can also contact the Samaritans on 116 123 (24/7), or NHS 111 if you feel you are in a mental health crisis.
I’m really sorry to read of how you are feeling and I hope that one of these support options can help you today.
Take care,
Emma (she/her)
Online Community Team
