Distant Relationship Issue

I'm going through the exact same thing with my sister having cancer now. We used to be a close family when we were all younger, I'm one of 7 siblings. Over the years everyone grew up, had families and doing their own things and communication has just never been great between us all. Where do we start? How do we strike up a conversation without feeling bad or guilty that the only reason we've started talking more is because they have cancer? 

Its so hard to 'reconnect' what was previously 'broken' it feels so 'fake' and 'strained' like no conversation is natural and that we're both holding back.

I've tried to strike a balance between talking more and not talking too much (if that even makes sense) but I feel guilty no matter what I do and as a result feel like im not doing enough and in some ways not properly facing up to what's really going on.

Its hard enough for those with close relationships let alone those in out positions

I know exactly how you feel. My emotions are all over the place fleeting between anger, guilt, positivity. There'll be days where I'm telling myself to get a grip and think "she's the one with cancer, she's the one who needs family and the support no matter what!"

I'm not going to pry but it all depends on the reason for thr distance with your dad as to how you can close it I guess. 

My trouble is I'm the youngest of all the siblings and have never been good at communicating emotions and sensitivity as I was always sheltered from it. Since adulthood we've all grown apart but not in a bad way. Just all busy doing our own things I guess. 

My parents divorced when I was 6 and I lived with my Mum and her new husband. I saw my Dad regularly for a while initially but was a very confused little girl who cried when I had to go to Dads and then cried when I had to come back.

As a result it was decided by the adults i'd mainly stay with Mum and so my relationship with her has become more solid than that with Dad.

I'm nearly 51 now and Dad and I have always kept in contact but mainly just birthdays and christmas and then occasional chats about mainly mundane subjects such as the weather and what we are having for dinner.

So now this relative stranger who is my Dad has cancer and I dont know what to do with this information. Im struggling and I dont want to make it about me like you say he (or in your sisters case she) is the one with the cancer.

Is your sister receptive to your help? or do you feel (like me) that theres some resistance to her opening up and an unspoken elephant in the room where I just think he wants to ask where were you before?

• Yeah that's a tough situation. As sad as the reason may be I'm sure he would still love to hear from you more often and plan some nice visits to do things even if it's just sit and have a tea/coffee or go out and do something specific. I share the same "guilt" though as we never used to do these sorts of things before so it feels almost fake to start asking out of the blue to start hanging out with her. Unfortunately she's having chemo every week at the minute so there's not much room for anything between her hospital visits and then feeling ill from the treatment. I just hope I havent left it all too late if the worst happens. 

I totally get the feeling 'fake' feeling.

I turn up round his place with about a million things food, drink, a special pillow, herbal remedy to help him sleep. This all sounds good right? but I know im using these things as 'props' as its easier than talking.

Dad has a cancerous tumor in his spine and depending on how fast it grows depends how much longer he'll have to live. Its inoperable and hes been given the option of proton beam to shrink it but is refusing this saying he wont put himself through all that at 76.

Guessing you're sister is way younger and that hopefully that will give you more time to be able to negioate your tricky relationship.

Props or no props you're being there for him when he needs it and I'm sure he appreciates everything you are doing for him. You could always bite the bullet and start up a conversation on his feelings and see where that leads but I'm no expert on these things as I say.

My sister is 49 and got stage 3 breast cancer. She's been telling me she's taking the chemo like a boss and I'm so proud of her and I'm trying to be strong for her but I feel I could be doing more.