Hi,
A friend got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer end of Jan and unfortunately it spread so he's on palliative care at home with week or two left. Then approx 8 weeks ago my best friend also got the diagnosis, luckily she had it caught early and has had part of her pancreas removed and so far no spread.
With my male friend, I've been supportive but also enjoyed still having normal conversations, remembering that he doesn't always want to talk about medical things. He's appreciated that balance and his reality means hes not having medical intervention anymore, he tried the ops and chemo. So its given him a certain freedom to just live.
With my best friend, she's so very different in her approach that I'm struggling to know how to be her friend and support.
I was the second person she told, tears and strength came from that chat. I kept offering to go and see her, especially as she wasn't telling anyone else and she felt sorry for her husband. So I offered to pop over, have a cuppa or take him out for a drink etc. Im approx 100 miles away. She refused it all. So I just messaged every few days, checking in and also keeping her updated with my kids who treat her like an Aunt. Which I hoped gave her a balance and a distraction when needed.
Then she went in for her op, not wanting visitors I just kept messaging daily. Then she tells me an acquaintance visited her twice in hospital and yet when I offered she refused.
We've not fallen out, we're so close i'm her executor in her will, have power of attorney incase of mental health decline in future. We are like sisters. But I feel like I've been pushed away and I'm feeling helpless. I have said i'm being guided by her in how I help and support her in this journey. I've not told her about male friend because her symptoms pre diagnosis were identical to his so I didn't share, incase of upset and I hoped it was just a coincidence. Now i really can't share. So life is really hard and I miss her. I just want a cuppa and a chat with her, but its like she's waiting to be better before seeing me.
Is there anything I am missing? Something I could do? I sent her a care package before hospital with some practical and thoughtful gifts. Friends of mine have said she is probably avoiding me as its just too hard for her to see me and it will be like admitting she has cancer all over again with me there its reality whilst she's currently in a bubble.
I hate feeling like im making it all about me, but I just miss her and want to be there however she wants our friendship
Hi
Welcome to our community, I hope you find it both informative and supportive.
Sorry to hear about both your friends, it must be difficult with them both have the same type of cancer but at very different stages.
You talk about your friend might be thinking that by you coming to visit it might make the cancer somehow seem more serious, that sounds quite possible to me.
You might not be suprised by how many people on here where a friend has cancer worry they are talking about the impact on themselves - it is really very common because it is quite hard so please do not worry about sharing on here as we all understand.
<<hugs>>
Steve
