I work from home, and my husband works outside the home. He's often the only person I see during the day. At the end of the day, I often offload to him a bit - work troubles, health niggles, whatever. He's always been a good problem-solver, and I listen to his troubles too. We are close.
Now, he has cancer (currently recovering from surgery at home) and every sentence from me that starts with "I" feels selfish. I have tried stopping myself, shutting up about my feelings (whether related to his health or to other matters), but it feels unnatural and secretive.
A couple of times, I've got irritated with him and he hasn't quite said "It's not about you" but he's implied it. That really upsets me. I'm doing my best to make him the focus but I still have feelings and I still have problems, and keeping them from him makes our relationship feel weird and incomplete.
It was almost easier when we were in crisis mode - then I genuinely did put all my stuff on hold. But currently we're in limbo between surgery and the verdict as to whether he needs chemo. We're both on edge and real life is creeping back in.
He's recovering brilliantly - his health is currently improving visibly every day, while mine (physical and mental) is noticeably deteriorating due to stress, lack of productivity, lack of exercise and lack of sleep.
The other day we both held something back: I shut up about my feelings of stress and exhaustion, and because he could sense my low mood he held back his feelings of optimism and strength. The same evening, we ended up exploding at each other in a way that's totally unfamiliar for us.
We have talked about this at length, and with great kindness and openness towards each other.
I have good friends and family but to an extent I'm protecting their feelings too and there's a limit to how much I can share with them.
I have found a therapist and hope this will help. I have a journal but don't have the time or energy to write in it. And I still worry about what this weird new chapter is doing to us as a couple.
