Quick Background: Hubs, rectal cancer diagnosed end of July, APR surgery mid September, Ken butt and permanent colostomy. Cancer had spread through 3 layers of the bowel, gone into ‘some’ nearby blood vessels and 3/19 removed lymph nodes. Offered and accepted chemotherapy as a precautionary measure to ensure it doesn’t come back elsewhere. Two weeks on, one week off, for 4 cycles. Each one starting with a 2hr IV infusion and then 14 days of tablets with 3 days of steroids.
Today is Day 5 of round 1.
And it’s bloody hard. I was expecting it to be. I knew it wouldn’t be a walk in the park. He is constantly feeling nauseous - but doesn’t want to take the anti-sickness tablets because his head associates them with feeling sick (he retches at just the thought of taking tablets on a normal day let alone all of these). He is extremely tired. Totally and utterly understandable. He’s struggling to eat and drink.
The worst part is he’s my absolute favourite person in the world and I can’t fix this. All I can do is show him he’s not alone - which rationally I know is enough, but emotionally it feels like it’s not enough. I can’t be strong for him, when I see him struggling it breaks my heart. I don’t want to put my emotional need onto him, he has enough to deal with.
But yea - this absolutely bloody sucks right now. Thank you for listening
